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Saturday, April 9, 2016

Funny: Some jokes

A woman, whose fondness for the good life had taken its toll in added pounds - and girth -was being shown a Jeep by a salesman at an auto dealership.

When the salesman's pitch had run its course, he sought to close with the typical line, "Now what would it take to get you into one of these?"

Looking at the Jeep's high front seat, the woman replied, "Probably a crowbar."


Two deaf men were talking on their coffee break about being out late the night before.
The first man signed to his friend, "My wife was asleep when I got home, so I was able to sneak into bed and not get into trouble."
The second deaf man signed back, "Boy you're lucky. My wife was wide awake, waiting for me in bed, and she started swearing at me for being out so late."
The first deaf man asked, "So, what did you do?"
The second man replied, "I turned out the light."


One of my friends was sitting at the bar and complaining to the sweet young thing working there, "Yesterday, I thought I'd solved all my problems. I thought I'd found a quick way to forget my mother-in-law. I came here and got drunk."

"Did it work?", she giggled.

He moaned, "No, cuz when I got home I found two of her waiting."


One day there was a priest sitting in a pew with a very worried and nervous look, and a another priest saw him a wondered what was wrong. The second priest thought he should try to help, so he approached his
distraught associate and asked him what was wrong.

"Well" the first priest said, "have you ever heard of a Freudian Slip?"

"No," said the other.

"Well" said the first, "it's when one slips and says something one is thinking usually when it is the least opportune time,"

"Oh," said the third, "so, what happened."

"Well, today I performed a wedding and you know the part when you say  'I now pronounce you man and wife'? asked the first.

"Yes" said the second.

"Well that is what I meant to say, and what I actually said was ' I now sentence you to death.'

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