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Monday, August 5, 2013

Joke: Small jokes about husband and wife


A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.
The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.
The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'
Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'
Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'
So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says . 'HEBREWS'

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, 

'Please wake me at 5:00 AM .' He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM .. Wake up..'
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Sunday, August 4, 2013

Small jokes: Wife and Husband


'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.
An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position..
As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?' 'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'


A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day.
30,000 to a man's 15,000.
The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

2 small jokes

In one small rural town the sheriff also fulfilled the role of the town's animal Vet.

One night the phone rang, and his wife answered.

An agitated voice inquired, "Is your husband there?"

"Well, do you need him as the sheriff or the vet?" the wife asked.

"Both!" was the reply. "We can't get our dog's mouth open, and there's a burglar in it."

A patient limped into his doctor's office.

The doctor handed him a large pill.

Just then, the nurse called the doctor out of the room to ask him a question.

While the doctor was gone, the patient hobbled over to the sink, ran some water in a paper cup and swallowed the pill.

Just then the doctor returned with a bucket and said, "Now, drop the pill into the bucket and we'll soak your foot."

Monday, July 29, 2013

Humor: Some basic questions

When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If a lawyer and an Inland Revenue inspector were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Why is there always one in every crowd?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?

Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

When you discover a missing buttonhole...where did it go ?

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

Joke: The pigeon and the parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.

David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."

David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

Monday, July 22, 2013

Humor: Some quotes from the airline industry

Occasionally, airline attendants make an effort to make the "in-flight safety lecture" a bit more entertaining. Here are some supposedly "real" examples that have been heard or reported:

As we prepare for takeoff, please make sure your tray tables and seat backs are fully upright in their most uncomfortable position."

"There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."

Your seat cushions can be used for floatation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."

We do feature a smoking section on this flight; if you must smoke, contact a member of the flight crew and we will escort you to the wing of the airplane."

Smoking in the lavatories is prohibited. Any person caught smoking in the lavatories will be asked to leave the plane immediately."

Good morning. As we leave Dallas, it's warm, the sun is shining, and the birds are singing. We are going to Charlotte, where it's dark, windy and raining. Why in the world y'all wanna go there I really don't know."

Pilot - "Folks, we have reached our cruising altitude now, so I am going to switch the seat belt sign off. Feel free to move about as you wish, but please stay inside the plane till we's a bit cold outside, and if you walk on the wings it affects the flight pattern."

And, after landing: "Thank you for flying Delta Business Express. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."

As the passengers waited just off the runway for another airliner to cross in front of us, some of the passengers were beginning to retrieve luggage from the overhead bins. The head steward announced
on the intercom, "This aircraft is equipped with a video surveillance system that monitors the cabin during taxiing. Any passengers not remaining in their seats until the aircraft comes to a full and
complete stop at the gate will be strip-searched as they leave the aircraft.

As the plane landed and was coming to a stop at Washington National, a lone voice comes over the loudspeaker: "Whoa, big fella...WHOA

Here are a few heard from Northwest: "Should the cabin lose pressure, oxygen masks will drop from the overhead area. Please place the bag over your own mouth and nose before assisting children or adults
acting like children."

As you exit the plane, please make sure to gather all of your belongings. Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses."

And from the pilot during his welcome message: "We are pleased to have some of the best flight attendants in the industry...Unfortunately none of them is on this flight!"

Sunday, July 21, 2013

Humor: 22 similarities between men and dogs

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.

2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.

3. Both mark their territory.

4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.

5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous

6. Neither understands what you see in cats.

7. Neither does any dishes.

8. Both break wind shamelessly.

9. Neither of them notices when you get your hair cut.

10. Both like dominance games.

11. Both are suspicious of the postman.

12. Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.

13. Dogs miss you when you're gone.

14. Dogs feel guilty when they've done something wrong.

15. Dogs are very direct about wanting to go out.

16. Dogs do not play games with you -- except fetch (and they never laugh at how you throw).

17. You can train a dog.

18. Dogs are easy to buy for.

19. The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas.

10. Dogs understand what "no" means.

21. Dogs mean it when they kiss you.

22. Dogs admit when they're jealous.

Saturday, July 20, 2013

Humor: Some quotes from the military

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S...!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

Friday, July 19, 2013

Joke: How many enemies

The Korean War, in which the Marine Corps fought and won some of its most brutal battles, was not without its gallows humor.

During one such conflict a ROK (Republic of Korea) commander, whose unit was fighting along with the Marines, called to report a major Chinese attack in his sector.

"How many Chinese are attacking you?" he was asked by the command Colonel.

"Many, many Chinese!" replied the excited Korean officer.

When asked for another, more specific, count, the colonel got the same, vague answer, "Many, many Chinese!"

"X*#dammit!," screamed the colonel, "put my Marine liaison officer on the radio."

A moment later, an American voice came over the air "Yes sir?"

"Lieutenant, exactly how many Chinese you got up there?"

"Colonel, we got a whole shitload of Chinese up here!"

"Thank God," exclaimed the colonel, "At least there's one person up there who knows how to count!"

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Joke: The phone is being in use

The other day I needed to call home, but the only pay phone I could find was in use...

So I stood to the side and politely waited until it was free, thinking it would only be a couple of minutes. Five minutes went by, and still the man was on the phone.

I noticed he was just standing there, not saying a word. Two more minutes went by, and he still wasn't saying anything...

Finally, I tapped him on the shoulder and asked if I could use the phone; just for minute... I really wouldn't be long, but needed to make an important call.

"Just hold on, buddy!" he responded, covering the receiver. "I'm talking to my wife."

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Humor: "You Know It's Your Last Day At Work When......"

You hand a bank teller an envelope, and when she asks, "What's this?", you realize you just dropped the company's deposit in a mailbox.

A woman comes into the store, you turn to the other salesman and say, "I waited on the last fat ugly old lady. This one's your turn". Your boss is standing behind you. It's his wife.

While your boss is at lunch, you sneak in and look at some confidential information on his computer. You spill coffee on the keyboard. It shorts out.

You return from a week's vacation to find that you had scheduled *this* week as vacation, not last week.

You take a "sick" day. The next morning the boss asks you, "So, how was the fishing on Rock Creek yesterday?".

You wake up hung over. You have a black eye and barked knuckles. You're in jail. Last night was the company Christmas party.

Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Joke: Who stole the TV

A witness is testifying before the court, and the prosecuting attorney is asking him questions:

The Prosecutor: "You witnessed the robbery, sir?"

The Eyewitness: "Yes"

The Prosecutor: "What was stolen?"

The Eyewitness: "Two televisions"

The Prosecutor: "Did you see the thieves?"

The Eyewitness: "Yes"

The Prosecutor: "Could you identify them?"

The Eyewitness: "Yes"

The Prosecutor: "Are the two men who stole the televisions in this courtroom?"

At this point, the two defendants raised their hands.

Monday, July 15, 2013

Humor: How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?

LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.

LOVE - when intercourse is called making love.
LUST - all other times.
MARRIAGE - what's intercourse?

LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - when you argue over money.

LOVE - when you share everything you own.
LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything.

LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - what's a climax?

LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".
LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.

LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.
LUST - when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - when all you write is cheques.

LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST - when you couldn't give a damm.
MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV.

LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent.

LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake.

LOVE - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties every time you see them.

LOVE - when nobody else matters.
LUST - when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.

LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - when it's just the same mushy old thing.
MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music.

LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think bout.
MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought.

LOVE - when you're interested in everything your partner does.
LUST - when you're only interested in one thing.
MARRIAGE - when you're not interested in what your partner does and the one thing you're interested in is your golf score.

Sunday, July 14, 2013

Humor: Some answers from a children's science exam

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour? (brilliant, love this!)
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? ( e.g., abdomen)
A: The body is consisted into three parts -- the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does 'varicose' mean? (I do love this one...)
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarian Section.'
A: The Caesarian Section is a district in Rome

Q: What does the word 'benign' mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.

Friday, July 5, 2013

Business humor: Checking meaning in different languages

Language hassles in International Marketing

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations.
It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences.
For example, observe the following examples below.

The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la.
Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect.
Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."

In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."

Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."

The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."

When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.

When Parker Pen marketed a ball point pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the Spanish word "embarazar"
meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."

An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the Spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."

Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.

In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

Thursday, July 4, 2013

Joke: How business is done

Jack, a smart businessman, talks to his son

Jack: I want you to marry a girl of my choice
Son : "I will choose my own bride".
Jack: "But the girl is Bill Gates's daughter."
Son : "Well, in that case..."

Next Jack approaches Bill Gates

Jack: "I have a husband for your daughter."
Bill Gates : "But my daughter is too young to marry."
Jack: "But this young man is a vice-president of the World Bank."
Bill Gates : "Ah, in that case..."

Finally Jack goes to see the president of the World Bank.

Jack: "I have a young man to be recommended as a vice-president."
President : "But I already have more vice-presidents than I need."
Jack: "But this young man is Bill Gates's son-in-law."
President : "Ah, in that case....."

This is how business is done!!

Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Adult joke: Not everything is fair

An Irishman, an Italian, and a Polish guy are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Irishman says, "Aye, this is a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Dublin, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, you buy a drink, you buy another drink, and MacDougal himself will buy your third drink!"

The others agree that sounds like a nice place. Then the Italian says, "Yeah, that's a nice bar, but where I come from, there's a better one. Over in Brooklyn, there's this place, Vinny's. At Vinny's, you buy a drink, Vinny buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vinny buys you anudda drink."

Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar. Then the Polish guy says, "You think that's great? Where I come from, there's this place, Warshowski's. At Warshowski's, they buy you your first drink, they buy you your second drink, they buy you your third drink, and then, they take you in the back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" said the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," he replied, "but it happened to my sister!"

Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Humor: Too much of political correctness right now ..

A Politically Correct School

* No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."

* You don't have detention, you're just one of the "exit delayed."

* Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."

* These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."

* Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."

* Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

*Your homework isn't missing, it’s just having an "out-of notebook experience."

* You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."

* You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time. "

* You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

* You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-retentive athletic footwear."

* No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."

* You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

* You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

* You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."

* You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

* It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."

* The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

Friday, June 28, 2013

Adult humour: Condom found in a burger

In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a MacDonald's hamburger a couple of years ago.

Here is David Letterman's top ten MacDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac:

10. We were test marketing the new "McRibbed."

9. Condom, Condiment.....What's the damned difference.

8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.

7. It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.

6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.

5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier meal.

4. Employees too embarrassed to ask "Would you like a condom with that?"

3. So what? A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.

2. Drive-thru speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounds like "Prophylactic device."

And the number one MacDonald's Excuse for the Condom in the Big Mac:

1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Adult joke: Dog is in heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Joke: Drinking capabilities of an Irishman

An American walks into a crowded pub in Dublin, Ireland, clears his voice and loudly announces to the crowd of drinkers, "I hear you Irish are hard drinkers. I'll give $500 U.S. greenbacks to anyone in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Yank's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gent that left, returns and taps the Yank on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Yank says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all down one after the other, back-to-back.

The pub patrons cheer as the Yank sits in amazement.
The gent gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Humor: A description of how America works

Let's see if I understand how America works lately . . .

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. 

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK??

Monday, June 24, 2013

Excuses For Wearing Your Wife's Underwear

10. I must have put them on by mistake in the dark.
9. I didn't have any clean ones left
8. They make me feel closer to you.
7. I grew up getting my older sister's hand-me-downs.
6. Boxers don't come in pink.
5. There must have been a crease in the name, I thought it said Hanes for men.
4. It gives me greater empathy for the plight of women.
3. Men's underwear chafes my skin.
2. Sorry, I thought they were your mom's.
1. Does my butt look good in these?

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Joke: What is a blonde man

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the
walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says: "Well it's like this Sheriff...
I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... " And here I am.

See, Blonde Men do exist.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Joke: Horrible clause to be in a relationship

Application for having a night out with the boys

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:

Time of return

Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to
another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no
valid reason whatsoever.

Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total

Locations to be visited

Females with whom conversation is permitted

IMPORTANT - STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it's not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in
chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a Michael Bolton concert, should I not return home by the approved time.
On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:


This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.

" .........................................

Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:

Date: Time of departure: Time of return:

Signed - Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:


Joke: Knowing the person since he was so small

A wagon trail was heading west, and the wagon master send a scout
ahead to watch out for Indians. The man was gone for a few hours and
came back to report that he saw an Indian on a hill.

"How big was he? " the wagon master asked.

"About one inch", the scout replied as he show with his two fingers.

"Go out again and keep your eyes on him" ordered the wagon master,
and the scout complied.

A few hours later, he came back and reported that he saw the Indian

"How big was he?" the wagon master asked. By showing with his hand,
the scout said that he was bigger than the length from his fingertip
to the end of his wrist

"Keep and eye out for him and report back" said the wagon master

The scout came back after a few hours and reported that the Indian
was now as tall as his arm up to the elbow.

"Go out and shoot the SOB!" ordered the wagon master.

"I can't" replied the scout.

"Why not?' asked the wagon master

I've known him ever since when he was this big" the scout said,
showing the wagon master with his two fingers an inch apart as

Friday, June 21, 2013

Joke: Joke that makes you gash your teeth

There once was a sailor returning to his ship. Just as he approached
the edge of the dock, he slipped and fell into the water between
ship and dockside. As he hit the water, the ship began to swing
toward the harbour wall, and he would have been crushed to death
had not a little man, with great presence of mind, thrown a rope
and hauled him to safety.

"Whew, thanks!" said the sailor. "You saved my life. Tell me,
is there anything I can do for you in return?"

"Well actually," said the man, "there is something. I'd dearly
like to work aboard ship and, in fact, I was just on my way to
look for a job when I saw you in the water. If you could put in
a word for me. I'd be greatly obliged."

"Done!" said the sailor. He took the little man on board and tracked
down his immediate superior. "This man saved my life just now,
and he really would very much like to have a job on the ship."

"Well, I don't know," said the Petty Officer. "We have a full
ship's complement, but I'll certainly put in a word on his behalf
to my superior. What does he do?"

"I'm a Gloop Maker," said the little man eagerly.

Not wishing to appear ignorant in front of his subordinate, the
Petty Officer didn't like to ask what exactly a Gloop Maker was,
so he went to see the Chief Petty Officer.

"This man saved the life of one of my seamen," he told the
Chief. "Do you think we could find him a job aboard? He's a
Gloop Maker."

Not wishing to appear ignorant in front of his subordinate, the
Chief asked the Warrant Officer, who asked the Sub-Lieutenant and
so on, all the way through the chain of command until the request
reached the Captain.

After congratulating the little man, the Captain, not wanting
to appear ignorant, named him ship's Gloop Maker and ordered the
Supply Officer to provide whatever materials were necessary for
work to commence.

The little man asked for a strong block and tackle fitted up on
the afterdeck, a small stool, a hammer and chisel, a portable
furnace, a lump of iron measuring four metres by four metres,
several kilograms of copper and several more of silver.

As the ship sailed, the little man set his stool alongside the
huge chunk of iron, lit the furnace and began to melt down the
copper and silver.

Then, with much hammering and chiselling, he began to add blobs
of copper and curlicues of silver to the sides of the lump of iron.

Each day crew members stopped and stared at the wondrously strange
thing taking shape at the ship's stern. But not wishing to appear
ignorant, nobody asked the Gloop Maker what he actually was making.

"Coming along nicely," said the captain as he made his daily rounds.
"Any idea precisely when it will be --ah-- ready?"

"Oh yes," said the man. "At 1400 hrs. on July 15 we shall sail
through the centre of the Bermuda Triangle. That's when it'll
be ready, and I'd like the crew assembled on deck at that hour,
if you please, sir."

And so, the great day dawned, the men assembled and the Gloop
Maker put down his hammer and chisel.

Proudly he stood back and indicated that the block and tackle should
be lowered onto his masterpiece, whose copper and silver curlicues
gleamed in the sun. Carefully he directed it to be lifted from the
deck and swung round until it hung over the sea at the ship's stern.

"Ready, steady, go!" he cried, and he cut it free.

And, as it fell into the deep blue waters of the Atlantic, it went,

Humour: What do children say about their mother

Following are answers given by young school children when asked about Moms:

Why did God create mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background.
Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer?
Does he make at least $800 a year?
Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms
don't even have bread on them.

Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Joke: Magician in the family

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school teacher.
"He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" asked the teacher.

"He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny.

"Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the teacher.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

And Little Johnny said, "One half brother and two half sisters."

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Joke: Jumping from a cliff

Long time ago, a man and a woman were madly in love.

They wanted to marry, but parents didn’t approve.

So they decided to suicide together, and planned to jump from a mountain.

The man could not bear to see his Sweet Heart Fall, so he convinced her that he will jump first, and he jumped.
But the girl never jumped.

Thereafter all men decided to say…..

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Recipe: Kale Soup with Soy & Lime

The quantities in this recipe makes 4 servings
Time: This recipe takes about 20 minutes

An Asian-spiced soup that is fast and really delicious.

2 Tablespoon peanut oil
1 Cup minced onion
2 Tablespoon minced garlic
4 Cups chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, preferably warmed
1 T soy sauce
Salt to taste
About 3 Cups roughly chopped kale leaves (stripped from the stalks & well rinsed)
Minced cilantro leaves for garnish
1 fresh jalapeno chili, stemmed and mined (optional)
1 lime, cut into eighths

  1. Place the oil in a large, deep saucepan and turn the heat to medium-high.   Add the onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until it begins to brown, 5 to 8 minutes.
  2. When the onion is tender and golden, add the garlic.  Cook 1 minute, and then add the stock or water.  Bring to a boil, turn the heat to low, add the soy sauce, and taste for salt; add some if necessary.
Add the kale to the simmering broth and cook until it is nice and tender, about 10 minutes.   (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point.  Cover refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.)  Correct the seasoning (you may prefer to add more soy sauce rather than more salt), garnish, and serve, passing the minced jalapeno and pieces of lime at the table. 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Joke: Who pays for everything ?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Mecedes I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your football season tickets.

HE paid for our house on that rich hill

HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cab driver and says "What would you do?"

The cab driver replies, "I'd cover him quickly  with that blanket before he catches cold!!" 

Monday, June 10, 2013

Joke: What about the wife left behind ...

A golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Dan," he replied.

"Dan forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Dan answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Dan finally agreed, And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Dan thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know anything. By the way, where is she?"

Dan Replied, .................."Under the cart!"

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Humour: IT'S TIME TO DIET AND EXERCISE WHEN... try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.

...your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy's first wife was. get winded just saying the words "six-kilometer run." come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees. analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor. step on a talking scale and it says, "Come back when you're alone." you, "Itsy-Bitsy Teenie-Weenie Yellow Polka dot Bikini" and "The Impossible Dream" become the same song. accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but not while you're wearing a bathing suit.

Wednesday, February 6, 2013

Joke: Moral of the story

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and began to tell their stories.

Ashley said, "My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg laying hens. One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs went flying and broke and made a mess."

"What's the moral of the story?" asked the teacher.

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket!"

"Very good," said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, "Our family are farmers too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs one time, but when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story is don't count your chickens before they're hatched."

"That was a fine story Sarah, said the teacher. "Johnny, do you have a story to share?"

"Yes, my daddy told me this story about my Aunt Karen.

Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.

She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops.

She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets.

Then she killed twenty more with the machete until the blade broke.

And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good heavens," said the horrified teacher.

"What kind of moral did your daddy tell you from that horrible story?"

"Stay away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."


An application was for employment
A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano.
Memory was something that you lost with age
And if you had a 3-1/2 floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to the garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for a while!
Log on was adding wood to the fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens, they wish they were dead!