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Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Funny: Some jokes

A woman brought a very limp duck into a vet's surgery.

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened To the bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said 'I'm so sorry, your Duck, "Cuddles" has passed away'

The distressed owner wailed 'Are you sure ?'

'Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead' he replied.

'How can you be so sure,' she protested. ' I mean, you haven't done any testing On him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something'

The Vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a few Minutes later with a black Labrador retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, Put his paws on the table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then Looked at the Vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog, and took it out, and returned a few minutes later with A cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird from Head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly And strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, 'I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most Definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck'.

The vet turned to his PC, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed To the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill '$150!', she cried, $150 just To tell me my duck is dead!'

The vet just shrugged, and said 'I'm sorry.

If you'd taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab report and the Cat scan, it's now $150 
Bubba took his old duck to the Doctor, concerned because the duck wouldn't eat.

The Doctor explained to Bubba that as ducks age their upper bills grow down over their lower bills and make it difficult for the animal to pick up it's food. "What you need to do is gently file the upper
bill down even with the lower bill. But you must be extra careful because the duck's nostrils are located in the upper bill and if you file down too far, when the duck takes a drink of water it'll drown."

Bubba goes about his business and about a week later the Doctor runs into his patient.

"Well, how is that duck of yours?" the Doctor inquires.

"He's dead." declared the heartbroken Bubba. "I told you not to file his upper bill down too far! He took a drink of water and drowned didn't he?" insisted the Doctor.

"No." lamented Bubba. "I think he was dead before I took him out of the vise."

Funny: Some jokes

A man with a long history of migraine headaches goes to the doctor. When the doctor does his history and physical, he discovers that his poor patient has had practically every therapy known to man for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the Doc, "I have migraines too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school, but it's advice that I've learned from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while. Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the
bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in six weeks."

Six weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for 17 years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "you have a REALLY nice house."


All evening long four card players had been pestered by Morris, a self-proclaimed genius who commented on everyone's poker hand and style of play. When Morris went out of the room for a moment, they hit on a plan to silence him.

"Let's make up a game no one ever heard of," one of them said. "Then he'll have to shut up."

The busybody Morris returned. The dealer tore two cards in half and gave them to the man on his left. He tore the corners off three cards and spread them out in front of the man opposite him. Then he tore five cards in quarters, gave 15 pieces to the man on his right and kept five himself.

"I have a mingle," he said. "I'll bet a dollar."

"I have a snazzle," the next man announced. "I'll raise you two dollars."

The third man folded without betting, and the fourth, after much deliberation, said, "I've got a farfle. I'll raise you five dollars."

Morris shook his head vehemently. "You're crazy," he said. " You're never going to beat a mingle and a snazzle with a lousy farfle!"


Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Funny: Some jokes

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

"Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!", and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.

"Who are you?" he asked him.

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,........ "Those little pests."


When Debbie was in high school she had a crush on this one guy ever since she had been 12 years old. The guy never paid her any attention.

Every year Debbie would try to get the boy to notice her, but he just wasn't interested. Finally, when Debbie turned 18, she began to come of age, and sure enough, the guy noticed.

Debbie was very pretty, had filled out and looked quite grown-up and the boy asked her for a date on a Friday night!!

Debbie was so excited all week, and could hardly wait for Friday.

Finally, Friday came. As soon as she got home from school, she began getting ready for her date at 7.

She spent four hours primping and prepping her hair, make-up, and deciding what to wear, wanting everything to be perfect for the night she had waited years for.

Finally, 7 o'clock came around. Looking out the window, she saw her hero pull up in his shiny black car.

Debbie became so nervous and excited, that she opened the door before he even got to it. "Hi!" she said, nervous as hell, when he replied, "Debbie you look beautiful!!"

She was so pleased when she walked out the door, and then halfway down the steps- IT hit her. Debbie realized in horror that she had to FART!!

Oh my God she thought, I should have gone to the bathroom, walking along, Debbie pondered, what am I going to do??

Being a quick thinker, Debbie got an idea: She would let him open her door for her, hurry in, fart, roll down the window real quick, and by the time he came around and got in, all would be O.K.

So they get to the car, her guy opens the door, Debbie gets in, tryin' to keep her legs crossed as she scoots across the seat, he closes the door, then she really rips one!

Debbie quickly rolls down the window, and seeing that he's just getting around to his door, she relaxes a little now, she smiles at him as he gets in the car.

Then her beau turns to her, points to the back seat, and says, "Debbie, I'd like you to meet my parents, I'm dropping them off at the theatre!"

Funny: Some jokes

A guy meets a childhood pal. "What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman," his old friend replies.

"Yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman," says the guy.

"Well," says his friend, "if you want some good advice, you've got to install a pole in your house that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, because the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again. "Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No," says the guy, "but I have two daughters who are dancers."


A drunk man who smelled like gin sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."


Once upon a time there was a Prince who, through no fault of his own was cast under a spell by an evil witch. The curse was that the Prince could speak only one word each year. However, he could save up the words so that if he did not speak for a whole year, then the following year he was allowed to speak two words.

One day he met a beautiful princess. She had ruby lips, golden hair and sapphire eyes. He fell madly in love. With the greatest difficulty he decided to refrain from speaking for two whole years so that he could look at her and say "my darling". But at the end of the two years he wished to tell her that he loved her. So he waited three more years without speaking, bringing the total number of silent years to 5.

But at the end of these five years he realized that he had to ask her to marry him. So he waited ANOTHER four years without speaking.

Finally as the ninth year of silence ended, his joy knew no bounds. Leading the lovely princess to the most secluded and romantic place in that beautiful royal garden the prince heaped a hundred red roses on her lap, knelt before her, and taking her hand in his, said huskily, "My darling, I love you! Will you marry me?"

The princess tucked a strand of golden hair behind a dainty ear, opened her sapphire eyes in wonder, and parting her ruby lips, said, "Pardon?"

Monday, December 29, 2014

Humor: Lessons for men

How to Fill Up the Ice Cube Trays. Step by step, with slide presentations.

The Toilet Paper Roll: Do They Grow on the Holders? Round table discussion.

Is it Possible to Urinate Using the Technique of Lifting the Seat Up and Avoiding the Floors/Walls and Nearby Bathtub? Group practice.

Fundamental Differences Between the Laundry Hamper and the Floor. Pictures and explanatory graphics.

The After-Dinner Dishes and Silverware: Can They Levitate and Fly into the Kitchen Sink? Examples on video.

Loss of Identity: Losing the Remote to Your Significant Other. Helpline support and support groups.

Learning How to Find Things, Starting With Looking in the Right Place Instead of Turning the House Upside Down While Screaming. Open forum.

Health Watch: Bringing Her Flowers is NOT Harmful to Your Health. Graphics and audio tape.

Real Men Ask for Directions When Lost. Real life testimonials.

TOPIC 10 -
Is It Genetically Impossible to Sit Quietly as She Parallel Parks? Driving simulation.

TOPIC 11 -
Learning to Live: Base Differences Between Mother and Wife. On-line class and role playing.

TOPIC 12 -
How to be the Ideal Shopping Companion. Relaxation exercises,meditation, and breathing techniques.

TOPIC 13 -
How to Fight Cerebral Atrophy: Remembering Birthdays, Anniversaries, Other Important Dates, and Calling When You're Going to Be Late. Cerebral shock therapy sessions and full lobotomies offered. *

* Upon completion of the course, diplomas will be issued - to the few survivors.

Humor: Responding to an official demand

This is a bit long, but pretty dam cute.

This is an actual letter sent to a man named Ryan DeVries by the Michigan Department of Environmental Quality, State of Michigan. This guy's response is hilarious, but read the State's letter before you get to the response letter.

SUBJECT: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec.

20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams across the outlet stream of Spring Pond. A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations. We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2003.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may
result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full co-operation in this matter. Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.


David L. Price District Representative Land and Water Management Division

** This is the actual response sent back: **

Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 12/17/02 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan. A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of
constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their
skilful use of nature's building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way
you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is: (1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers or (2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request? If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is... aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation, so the State will have to
provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event causing flooding is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers, but if you are going to arrest them, they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter... they being unable to read

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2003? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears!

Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone. If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not
careful where they dump!)

Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

Sunday, December 28, 2014

Funny: Some jokes

A psychology student was to help a professor in conducting a personality test. The room was set up with various props in order to move through the assessment quickly. The first person to enter the room started through the test.

"How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 1: It is half empty.

Student writes 'pessimist' in his report.

Person 2 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 2: It is half full.

Student writes 'optimist' in his report.

Person 3 enters the room. "How does this glass of water look to you?"

Person 3: Looks like you have twice as much glass as you need there.

The student looks totally blank and goes to consult with the professor.

"Oh them!", the professor says, "I forgot to warn you about the engineers! They have no personality."


The visiting minister was surprised when he went into the pulpit to find just one person in the congregation - an old farmer.

He went down to him and said, "Is it worth proceeding?"

"What do you mean?" said the farmer.

"Well" said the minister, "is it worth having a service for such a small congregation?"

"When I take the bucket of food to the hens and only one turns up I don't send it away hungry."

Moved by this simple analogy, the minister went back to the pulpit and went through the whole service including a long and very forceful sermon.

When he had finished he went down to the farmer and asked, "Was that alright?"

The farmer rather tersely replied, "When I take the bucket to the hens and only one turns up I don't give it the whole bucket".

Funny: Some jokes

A Londoner, pinched for drunken driving, was submitted to a new testing machine which registered a staggering percentage of alcohol in his breath.

"Your machine must be on the blink," insisted the Londoner.

"My wife's a teetotaler. Try it on her."

The police obliged and again the machine showed alcoholic content far above the allowable level.

"Now I KNOW your machine's out of order," cried the driver. "To prove it, let our little baby blow into the thing." The baby's breath was sampled, and sure enough, proved high on the alcoholic side.

Sheepishly, the police tore up the complaint.

Driving triumphantly away, the Londoner told his wife, "That was one wonderful idea of yours to give the baby those two slugs of gin before we left the pub."


Michael was an extremely avid golfer with a cynical attitude and arrogance, that when he passed away, few people shed a tear. Michael approached the Pearly Gates where St. Peter was waiting for him. Rather than pass through the gates as normal people had done, Michael stopped to ask a question.

"Before I agree to come in, I want to know exactly what kind of golf course you have here" he said to St. Peter.

"That shouldn't matter to you." said St. Peter.

"But it does. And then in his arrogant manner exclaimed "Well if I can't see it, then I'm not coming in!"

"Very well Michael. As you wish.look through the gates." He looked and saw the poorest, most rundown, excuse for a golf course that it made him sick to his stomach.

"Forget it. There is no way in Hell I'm going to spend eternity playing on that course!"

Just then, Michael heard the Devil calling him over the gate. "Come over here and see what I have to offer." Michael peers through the gate and he is elated! There is the most absolutely fabulous golf course he has ever seen! He turns to the Devil and says "I want to play THAT course!"

"Ok. Step on through and it's yours forever."

St. Peter pleaded with Michael as he headed off with the Devil and the gates closed behind him. Michael walked up to the first tee and said "I can't wait to play! Where are my clubs and ball? The Devil roared with laughter. "Oh, there aren't any."

Saturday, December 27, 2014

Humor: Some pregnancy jokes

Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.

Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.

Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q. Since I became pregnant, my breasts, rear-end, and even my feet have grown. Is there anything that gets smaller during pregnancy?
A. Yes, your bladder.

Q. What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A. For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A. Childbirth.

Q. The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A. 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q.. My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A. So what's your question?

Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a model?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.

Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.

Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q. When is the best time to get an epidural?
A. Right after you find out you're pregnant.

Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Humor: Some sarcastic quotes

-- Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back

-- Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research

-- A day without sunshine is like night.

-- Don't give other people a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.

-- Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.

-- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

-- If you hear an onion ring, answer it.

-- Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

-- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change

-- A metaphor is like a simile.

-- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

-- Roses are red, Violets are blue, Some poems rhyme.

-- Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

-- Good friends will help you move. REALLY good friends will help you move bodies."

-- It's hard to make predictions, especially about the future."

-- Life is hard. Its even harder if youre stupid."

-- "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

-- "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

-- "Lies circle the earth while Truth is still trying to put on its shoes."

-- I wanna be different just like everyone else

Friday, December 26, 2014

Funny: Some jokes

A man asked an Old Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called three horse"

The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered "It old Indian Name. It mean,



Two little boys are in a hospital, lying on beds next to each other, outside the operating room.

The first kid leans over and asks, 'What are you in here for?'

The second kid says, 'I'm in here to get my tonsils out and I'm a little nervous.'

The first kid says, 'You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up they
give you lots of Jell-O and ice-cream. It's a breeze.'

The second kid then asks, 'What are you here for?'

The first kid says, 'A circumcision.'

And the second little boy says, 'Whoa, Good luck, buddy, I had that done when I was born.......... Couldn't walk for a year.'


Marriage (Part I) 

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, "Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last.'"

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.

After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"

She says, "I was in bed."

"In bed this early, doing what?"

"Getting a second opinion!"

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife," Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

Funny: Some jokes

A blonde tries to go horseback riding even though she has had no lessons or prior experience she mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into action.

It gallops along at a steady rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to lose her grip and starts to slide in the saddle.

In terror, she grabs for the mane but can't seem to get a firm grip.

She tries to throw her arms around the horses neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to it's slipping rider.

Unfortunately, the blondes foot has become entangled in the stirrup.

She is now at the mercy of the hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over again.

As her head is battered against the ground she is moments away from losing consciousness when, to her great fortune.

The Woolworth's Manager sees her and unplugs the horse.


A list of (alleged) actual announcements that London Tube train drivers have made to their passengers...

"Ladies and Gentlemen, I do apologise for the delay to your service. I know you're all dying to get home, unless, of course, you happen to be married to my ex-wife, in which case you'll want to cross over to the Westbound and go in the opposite direction."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering from E & B syndrome, not knowing his elbow from his backside. I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Do you want the good news first or the bad news? The good news is that last Friday was my birthday and I hit the town and had a great time. The bad news is that there is a points failure somewhere between Stratford and East Ham, which means we probably won't reach our destination."

"Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the delay, but there is a security alert at Victoria station and we are therefore stuck here for the foreseeable future, so let's take our minds off it and pass some time together. All together now....'Ten green bottles, hanging on a wall.....'."

"We are now travelling through Baker Street, as you can see Baker Street is closed. It would have been nice if they had actually told me, so I could tell you earlier, but no, they don't think about things like that."

"Beggars are operating on this train, please do NOT encourage these professional beggars; if you have any spare change, please give it to a registered charity, failing that, give it to me."

"Let the passengers off the train FIRST!" (Pause ...) "Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I care - I'm going home...."

"Please allow the doors to close. Try not to confuse this with 'Please hold the doors open'. The two are distinct and separate instructions."

"Please note that the beeping noise coming from the doors means that the doors are about to close. It does not mean throw yourself or your bags into the doors."

"We can't move off because some idiot has their hand stuck in the door."

"Please move all baggage away from the doors (Pause..) Please move ALL belongings away from the doors (Pause...) This is a personal message to the man in the brown suit wearing glasses at the rear of the train - put
the pie down, four-eyes, and move your bloody golf clubs away from the door before I come down there and shove them up your arse sideways!"

"May I remind all passengers that there is strictly no smoking allowed on any part of the Underground. However, if you are smoking a joint, it's only fair that you pass it round the rest of the carriage."

Thursday, December 25, 2014

Funny: Some jokes

A father was shopping in a department store with his small daughter, when the little girl pulls on his coat sleeve and announces, "Daddy, I have to go!"

"In a few minutes, sweetie," says the dad.

"But, I've got to go NOW," the little girl insists in a loud voice.

A saleslady standing nearby can't help but hear the conversation and says, "I'll take her, sir. It's no problem."

So, as the father watches, the two hurry off hand in hand. When they return the father asks his daughter, "Did you thank the nice lady for being so kind?"

"Why should I thank her?" asks the little girl in a loud voice. "She had to go, too!"


"I need to revise the death certificate I just handed you." my fellow doctor said to a nurse I was working with.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"It's a little embarrassing," he said. Then, pulling her aside, he whispered, "I was in a hurry when I signed it and, well, I accidentally wrote my name under "Cause of Death."


Two old pensioners are taking a trip down memory lane by going back to the place where they first met.

Sitting at a cafe, the little old man says, "Remember the first time I met you over 50 years ago? We left this cafe, went round the corner behind the gas works, and I gave you one from behind."

"Why, yes, I remember it well, dear," replies the little old lady with a grin.

"Well, for old time's sake, let's go there again. and I'll give you one from behind."

The two pensioners pay their bill and leave the cafe. A young man sitting next to them has overheard the conversation and smiles to himself, thinking it would be quite amusing to see two old pensioners at it. He gets up and follows them. Sure enough, he sees the two pensioners near the gas works. The little old lady pulls off her knickers and lifts up her dress.

The old man pulls down his pants and grabs the lady's hips, and the little old lady reaches for the fence. Well, what follows is 40 minutes of the most athletic sex the man has ever seen. The little old man is banging away at the little old woman at a pace that can only be described as phenomenal. Limbs are flying everywhere, the movement is a blur, and they do not stop for a single second. Finally, they collapse and don't move for an hour.

Well, the man is stunned. Never in his life has he ever seen anything that equates to this -- not in the movies, not from his friends, not from his own experiences.

Reflecting on what he has just seen, he says to himself, "I have to know his secret. If only I could shag like that now, let alone in 50 years' time!"

The two old pensioners have by this time recovered and dressed themselves. Plucking up courage, the man approaches the pensioner.

He says, "Sir, in all my life I have never seen anybody shag like that, particularly at your age. What's your secret? Could you shag like that 50 years ago?"

The pensioner replies, "Son, 50 years ago, that fucking fence wasn't electrified."

Humor: The following are genuine excerpts from answers students gave on science exam papers...

The dodo is a bird that is almost decent by now.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

A magnet is something you find crawling all over a dead cat.

Geometry teaches us to bisex angles.

English sparrows and starlings eat the farmers grain and soil his corpse.

The Earth makes one resolution every 24 hours.

The cuckoo bird does not lay his own eggs.

To prevent conception when having intercourse, the male wears a condominium.

To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

Parallel lines never meet, unless you bend one or both of them.

Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.

To remove air from a flask, fill it with water, tip the water out, and put the cork in quick before the air can get back in.

A circle is a line which meets its other end without ending.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

An example of animal breeding is the farmer who mated a bull that gave a great deal of milk with a bull with good meat.

We believe that the reptiles came from the amphibians by spontaneous generation and study of rocks.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other. 

Wednesday, December 24, 2014

Funny: Caring for the boss

Employees of a Company are all worried. Some are roaming around. Some are in loud discussions during office time.....

 Some Trainees, who had just joined, notice this and enquire about what happened to a senior employee, they ask, "What's going on?"

 "Terrorists have kidnapped our Boss"

 They're asking for Rs.10 Crores ransom, otherwise they're going to douse him with petrol and set him on fire.

 We're going from desk to desk, taking up a collection."

 One Trainee asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?














 "About 1 litre."

Joke: Staying at a kosher hotel

Old man Willy Blumenfeld was getting on in years. His son, Harold, had done well financially in ladies' underwear.

He asked his father if he'd like to go down to Miami Beach. He thought it would be good for the old man to have companionship and balmy weather as well in his declining years.

The old man was pleased but consented to go only if he could be at a Kosher hotel. And so Harold made reservations at the Sterling Hotel and put his father on a plane for Miami Beach.

His son phoned him once a week and everyone seemed happy. Some weeks later, Harold had to make a business trip south and decided to drop in on pop unannounced as a surprise.

When he got to the Sterling Hotel, there was no sign of old man Blumenfeld.

He asked the desk clerk if he had any idea where his father might be and he was told he might try room 402 at the Sans Souci. Harold hopped into a cab and headed for the Sans Souci. He learned at the desk that room 402 was occupied by a Miss Peggy Murphy.

Harold rushed up to room 402, knocked at the door which was opened by a tall, sparsely dressed redhead. And there was papa in a bathrobe!

Harold was furious! Unable to contain himself, he screamed, "Papa, I'm so shocked I don't know what to say! An old religious man like you! And you insisted yet you must stay at a Kosher hotel!"

The old man looked at him as if crazy and said, "So, what are you getting so excited for? I don't eat here!"

Tuesday, December 23, 2014

Funny: Some jokes

One day a man comes home from work to find total mayhem at home. The kids were outside still in their pajamas playing in the mud and muck. There were empty food boxes and wrappers all around.

As he proceeded into the house, he found an even bigger mess. Dishes on the counter, dog food spilled on the floor, a broken glass under the table, and a small pile of sand by the back door. The family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing, and a lamp had been knocked over.

He headed up the stairs, stepping over toys, to look for his wife. He was becoming worried that she may be ill, or that something had happened to her.

He found her in the bedroom, still in bed with her pajamas on, reading a book.

She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what I did today?"

"Yes, was his reply."

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it!"


A young girl was babysitting the family's children for the first time. She started shortly after supper time. The children were playing in front of the house outside. After an hour, she fixed a snack and brought it outside for the children to enjoy.

Then as it got later and near the children's bedtime, she called them all inside and sent the youngsters upstairs to brush their teeth and then to get into bed. Meantime, she settled herself down to watch TV in the living room until the parents would arrive back home. One child, however, kept creeping down the stairs every 10 minutes, but the babysitter kept sending him back up.

At 9 pm, the babysitter was startled by the sound of the doorbell. When she looked outside, she saw a nervous looking woman pacing back and forth at the door. It turned out to be the next-door neighbor Mrs. Brown, asking whether her son, Bobby was there.

The babysitter brusquely replied, "Your son? No! The children here are all in bed already."

Just then a little head appeared over the banister and a voice shouted, "I'm up here! I'm here, Mom, but she won't let me go home!"

Funny: Some jokes

A Scotsman, an Italian and an Irishman are in a bar. They are having a good time and all agree that the bar is a nice place.

Then the Scotsman says, "Aye, tis a nice bar, but where I come from, back in Edinburgh, there's a better one. At MacDougal's, ye buy a drink, ye buy another drink and MacDougal himself will buy yir third drink!" The others agree that sounds like a good place.

Then the Italian says, "Yeah, datsa nice bar, but where I comma from, dere's a better one. Inna Roma, dere's dis place, Vincenzo's. At Vincenzo's, you buy a drink, Vincenzo buys you a drink. You buy anudda drink, Vincenzo buys you anudda drink." Everyone agrees that sounds like a great bar.

Then the Irishman says, "And you think that's great? Where Oi come from in Dublin, there's this wee pub called Morphy's. At Morphy's, they boy you your forst drink, they boy you your second drink, they boy you your tird drink and then they take you in back and get you laid!"

"Wow!" say the other two. "That's fantastic! Did that actually happen to you?"

"No," says the Irish guy, "The truth is it happen to me sister!"


Two rednecks meet in a bar and decide that they weren't going anywhere in life, so they decide to go to college to get ahead. They hop in a pickup and drive to the nearest university. While the second one waits out in the hall, the first goes in to one of the rooms and finds a professor who advises him to take Math, History, and Logic. "What's Logic?" asks the redneck.

The professor replies, "Let me give you an example: Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do," grins the redneck. "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replies the professor.

"That's real good," the redneck responds in awe. The professor continues: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also have a house." Impressed, the redneck shouts "AMAZIN'!" "And since you own a house, logic suggests that you have a wife." "Betty Mae... this is incredible!"

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," says the professor. "You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

The first redneck, grinning ear to ear with pride at the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway where his friend is waiting. "So what classes are ya takin'?" the friend asks.

"Math,History, and Logic," replies the first redneck. "What in tarnation is Logic?" asks the friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?"

"No," says his friend.

"You're queer, ain't ya?

Monday, December 22, 2014

Funny: Some smoking jokes

Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.

One poll says 73% of Americans favor raising the cigarette tax. It's only fair. Since smokers aren't around as long as the rest of us, they should pay more while they're here.

I quit smoking once for six days. And then they untied me.

Trying to quit smoking can drive you nuts -- especially when you try to light your nicotine gum.

Marlboro has a line of outdoor gear for smokers. They recommend you buy it a size larger so paramedics don’t have to cut it off of you.

The Marlboro clothing is very functional. The denim jacket has electric heart paddles sewn right into the lining, and there’s a backpack that can hold a portable respirator.

I stopped smoking and extended my life expectancy. My wife is furious.

What's the result of smoking too much? Coffin. 


My husband Stan, decided to give up smoking but needed help to overcome the habit. He consulted an acupuncture specialist, who inserted small needles at specific points in both his ears. "When you feel like smoking," he told Stan, "put your fingers into your ears, and press hard on the needles."

One day shortly after, while Stan was in the elevator in his office building, he had a strong urge for a cigarette. Since only the piped-in music accompanied him in the elevator, he put his fingers into both ears, closed his eyes and concentrated on pressing on the needles. Suddenly, the elevator doors opened and there stood a dozen people waiting to get on. Feeling rather foolish, Stan sheepishly removed his fingers from his ears in time to hear one of them mutter. "I don't think the music is that bad."


I had been a heavy smoker since I was a teenager, but to my surprise was able to quit "cold turkey." However, my weight shot up and I felt very self-conscious. When a friend congratulated me on giving up cigarettes, I
exclaimed, "But look at all these added pounds!"

Her reply was one I'll always treasure. "Oh, my dear, don't worry about that!" she said. "Just think of all the extra years you will have in which to lose them."

Funny: Some jokes

Mo, heard her husband, Nate, come back into the house not too long after he had left.

Mo said, "Hon, I thought you were going to your lodge meeting."

"It was postponed." Nate replied.

"The wife of the Grand Exalted Invincible Supreme Potentate wouldn't let him go out tonight."


I had purchased a talking metronome while I was attending a conference in New York for music teachers. Before my son and I boarded our flight home, I hefted my carry-on bag onto the security-check conveyor belt.

The guard's eyes widened as he watched the monitor. He asked what I had in the bag, then slowly pulled out the six-by-three-inch black box covered with dials and switches.

Other travelers, sensing trouble, vacated the area.

"A metronome," I replied weakly, as my son cringed in embarrassment.

"It's a talking metronome," I insisted. "Look, I'll show you."

I took the box and flipped a switch, realizing that I had no idea how it worked, "One... two... three... four," it said.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief.

As we gathered our belongings, my son whispered, "Aren't you glad it didn't go 'four... three... two... one...'?"


Bob is going on vacation and sees a golf course and a sign that says "Get help from a Pro."

So Bob thinks to himself wow I can get some help with my golf game.

So he goes there and says to the pro "I'm going to hit a couple of golf balls and then will you tell me what I'm doing wrong?"

The pro says "yeah sure."

So Bob hits the first one and it goes to the right. Bob asks what he was doing wrong the pro says "loft".

Bob thinks to himself "loft" what's that? Bob says "oh well" and hits another one this one goes to the right and Bob asks the pro "What did I do wrong this time?"

The pro again says "loft".

Bob thinks to himself "loft again" and hits another ball this one goes about 50 yds high and 100 yds out on the fairway.

So Bob asks "What did I do wrong that time?"

Again the pro says "loft".

This time Bob asks the pro what "loft" means.

The pro answers: "lack of frigging tallent"

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Funny: Some jokes

The service area was located on a main highway leading to the beach. The station attendant was accustomed to seeing tired and sunburned occupants in the cars that pulled in to gas up.

When a rusty old station wagon containing a very tired looking couple and seven screaming children pulled into his station, the attendant tried to make small talk to cheer up the occupants.

"Hope you have a good day at the beach! Nice looking kids there," he said. "Are they all yours or is this a picnic?"

Wearily, the wife, who was the driver, replied, "Yes they are all mine and no, this is NO picnic!"


Two professors were out enjoying the fresh air one day. They were talking about their profession and the best things about it.

One said, "I really get satisfaction from motivating young people. I also like to know that I'm helping shape the next generation and it's a real joy opening their young minds. I would have to say those are the three best things about teaching."

"I disagree," said the second. "For me, the three best things about teaching are June, July and August!"


The local golf course was haunted by an evil leprechaun who liked to exploit the ambitions of the poorer players. He would promise an improved ability to play the game in exchange for something really big, and then laugh at the unfortunate player's predicament.

One day, he popped up beside one golfer who was participating in a club competition.

"Look," he said, "I'll make a deal with you. If you agree never to court a woman, flirt with a girl or marry, I'll help you win."

"Done," said the golfer.

The leprechaun was very pleased with his conniving ways, and chuckled merrily. The golfer proceeded to play a perfect game and everyone was amazed.

When the golfer was in the clubhouse being praised by the other members, the leprechaun popped up on the shelf of the locker beside him. "Hey," he whispered, "I have to have your name for my records. What is it?"

The golfer grinned, straightened his collar and answered, "Father Murphy."

Funny: Some jokes

There is a story about a monastery perched high on a cliff several hundred feet in the air. The only way to reach the monastery was to be suspended in a basket which was pulled to the top by several monks who pulled and tugged with all their strength. Obviously the ride up the steep cliff in that basket was terrifying.

One tourist got exceedingly nervous about halfway up as he noticed that the rope by which he was suspended was old and frayed. With trembling voice, he asked the monk who was riding with him in the basket how often they changed the rope.

The monk thought for a moment and answered brusquely, "Whenever it breaks."


The out-of-work newlywed took a temporary job as a vacuum cleaner salesman to make ends meet. After 3 days of intensive training, the sales manager told him to go home and practice his pitch on his wife.

The next morning, the manager asked the novice how he made out.

"Well," the man began, "I did what you said, and after I finished, I asked her if she would buy the vacuum cleaner from me. She said 'Yes.' Then I asked her 'Why?' She replied, 'Because I love you.'"


A fellow stopped at a rural gas station, filled his tank, and took a break by his car while drinking a soda.

As he relaxed, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole.

The men worked right past the man and continued on down the road.

Overcome by curiosity, the fellow headed in their direction. "Hey there," he said. "Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"

"We work for the county government," one of them said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. What's up with that?" the man asked.

"Well," the worker replied, "normally there's three of us - me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back, but Rodney's out sick."

"So what does the work you're doing accomplish?" asked the man, not quite believing what he was seeing.

"Well," Mike said. "Just because Rodney's out sick, that don't mean we can't work, right?"

Saturday, December 20, 2014

Funny: Some jokes

Sister Mary, who worked for a home health agency, was out making her rounds visiting homebound patients when she ran out of gas.

As luck would have it, a gas station was just a block away.

She walked to the station to borrow a gas can and buy some gas.

The attendant told her that the only gas can he owned had been loaned out, but she could wait until it was returned.

Since the nun was on the way to see a patient, she decided not to wait and walked back to her car.

She looked for something in her car that she could fill with gas and spotted the bedpan she was taking to the patient.

Always resourceful, she carried the bedpan to the station, filled it with gas, and carried the full bedpan back to her car.

As she was pouring the gas into her tank, two men watched from across the street.

One of them turned to the other and said, "If it starts, I'm turning Catholic."


There was once a king who offered a prize to the artist who could paint the best picture of peace.  Many artists tried.  The king looked at all the pictures, but there were only two that he really liked, and he had to chose between them.

One picture was of a calm lake.  The lake was a perfect mirror for the peaceful towering mountains all around it.  Overhead was a blue sky with fluffy white clouds.

All who saw this picture thought that it was a perfect picture of peace.

The second picture had mountains, too.  But these were rugged and bare.  Above was an angry sky from which rain fell, and in which lightening played.  Down the side of the mountain tumbled a foaming waterfall.  This did not look peaceful at all.

But when the king looked closer, he saw behind the waterfall a tiny bush growing in a crack in the rock.  In the bush, a mother bird had built her nest -- a perfect picture of peace.

Which of the pictures won the prize?

The king chose the second picture.

Do you know why?

"Because," explained the king, "peace does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work.  Peace means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart.  That is the real meaning of peace."

Humor: Dog's note to self

These are just some of the things I must remember (in order to keep my present living arrangements):

~ The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.

~ I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

~ I will not roll my toys behind the fridge, behind the sofa or under the bed.

~ I must shake the rainwater out of my fur before entering the house.

~ I will not eat the cats' food, before they eat it or after they throw it up.

~ I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.

~ I will not roll on dead seagulls, fish, crabs, etc., just because I like the way they smell.

~ I will not eat any more Kleenex or napkins and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

~ The diaper pail is not a cookie jar.

~ I will not chew my humans' toothbrushes and not tell them.

~ I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

~ When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

~ We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on television.

~ The sofa is not a face towel; neither are Mom and Dad's laps.

~ My head does not belong in the refrigerator.

~ I will not munch on "leftovers" in the kitty litter box; although they are tasty, they are not food.

~ I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and registration.

~ I will not roll around in the dirt right after just getting a bath.

~ The toilet bowl is not a never ending water supply and, just because the water is blue, doesn't mean it's cleaner.

~ The cat is not a squeaky toy so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's usually not a good thing 

Friday, December 19, 2014

Funny: The New Zen

1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

2. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.

3. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you fart.

6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

16. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our arse…then things get worse .

Funny: Some jokes

A rancher applied for a loan at a bank.

"How much do you want to borrow?" asked the loan interviewer.

"Twenty-five thousand dollars."

"All right, but you'll have to show security. How many bulls do you have on your ranch?"

"Two hundred."

"That should be enough security. The loan is approved."

Several months later the rancher returned to the bank to repay the loan.

"Here's your money," he declared, peeling off bills from a huge bankroll.

"Well, sir, let me congratulate you on your sudden prosperity," said the interviewer, eying the bankroll. "And for safety's sake, may I suggest you deposit that extra money in our bank?"

Staring at him coldly, the rancher asked, "How many bulls do you have?"


Sue: "My husband has the worst memory I ever heard of."

Monica: "Forgets everything, eh?"

Sue: "No. Remembers everything."


An Army Ranger was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana.

He wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the Ranger shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and get my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes made at a reasonable price!"

The vendor said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you will run into a couple of Blondes who were in here earlier saying the same thing."

So, the Ranger headed into the bayou that same day.

A few hours later, he came upon two men standing waist deep in the water. He thought, "Those must be the two blondes the guy in town was talking about."

Just then, the Ranger saw a tremendously long gator swimming rapidly underwater towards one of the Marines.

Just as the gator was about to attack, the Marine grabbed its neck with both hands and strangled it to death with very little effort.

Then both blondes dragged it on shore and flipped it on its back. Laying nearby were several more of the creatures.

One of the Blondes then exclaimed, "Darn, this one doesn't have any shoes either!"

Thursday, December 18, 2014

Humor: My order

There's a little local restaurant here that I went to the other day and ordered a tuna fish sandwich on white bread. "I'm sorry, sir," the waitress said, "but we're all out of white bread. Can we put that on wheat for you?"

Sure, what the heck.

You know how you get when you just crave something? I was in a tuna mode all that week, I guess, because I was back at the restaurant the next day, again ordering the same tuna sandwich. Got the same waitress as the day before. I told her, "On white, please."

"Gosh, I'm sorry, sir, can we put that on wheat for you? We're out of white today."

Hurm. Sure. Go ahead.

The craving didn't subside. For the third day in a row, I was back at the local cafe. This time, I thought I'd save myself and the very same waitress some grief. "A tuna fish sandwich, please, on wheat bread."

The waitress looked up from her pad, "Aren't you the guy who usually orders it on white?"