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Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Humour: The amount of hard work a man can do to make good barbecued meat (with the day off for the lady)

(1) The woman buys the food.
(2) The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes dessert.
(3) The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill - beer in hand.
(4) The woman remains outside the compulsory three meter exclusion zone where the exuberance of testosterone and other manly bonding activities can take place without the interference of the woman.

Here comes the important part:

More routine...
(6) The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
(7) The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is looking great. He thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he flips the meat

Important again:

More routine...
(9) The woman prepares the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins, sauces, and brings them to the table.

(10) After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

And most important of all:
(11) Everyone PRAISES the MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.

(12) The man asks the woman how she enjoyed ' her night off ' and, upon seeing her annoyed reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women!

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Politically correct sayings when applied to children and school

Your bedroom isn't cluttered; it's "passage restrictive."

Kids don't get in trouble anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."

You're not having a bad hair day; you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."

No one's tall anymore. They're "vertically enhanced."

You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."

You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."

It's not called gossip anymore. It's "transmission of near-factual information. "

The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."

Your homework isn't missing; it's just having an "out-of-notebook experience."

You're not sleeping in class; you're "rationing consciousness. "

You don't have smelly gym socks; you have "odor retentive athletic footwear."

You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations. "

You're not being sent to the principal's office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."

Monday, March 29, 2010

100 WAYS TO LOVE - Try this on your dear and close ones

1. Hug them.

2. Write a love note.

3. Call them at work just to say Hi

4. Give them a foot massage.

5. Tell them a joke.

6. Caress them with slow gentle strokes.

7. Go for a walk with them.

8. Send them a happy gram.

9. Admit your mistakes.

10. Say:I love you.
11. Indulge a whim.

12. Listen to them talk about an interest of theirs.

13. Be trustworthy.

14. Instead of complaining, tell them what you would prefer.

15. Look at them when you're in a discussion.

16. Send flowers.

17. Compliment something they did.

18. Offer to help.

19. Ask them to show you how to do something.

20. Call when you are going to be late.
21. Take them out to dinner.

22. Write them a poem about how special they are.

23. Cut out a cartoon they will enjoy.

24. Ask them what they like sexually.

25. Go shopping together.

26. Take an afternoon drive.

27. Cuddle.

28. Put your arm around them in front of others.

29. Take them out on a surprise date.

30. Do something they want to do.
31. Listen.

32. Plan a candle light dinner.

33. Look at old photos together.

34. Serve them breakfast in bed.

35. Hold hands.

36. Share sexual fantasies.

37. Do a work project together.

38. Rub their back.

39. Take a shower together.

40. Carry their photo in your wallet.
41. Go away together for a weekend holiday.

42. Kiss them.

43. Smile more when you look at them.

44. Go for a bicycle ride together.

45. Surprise them with a special attire.

46. Plan a picnic lunch.

47. Read something together about how to have a better relationship. . .

48. Repeat what they say before answering.

49. Say Good morning first.

50. Ask if they have a few minutes first before interrupting.
51. Send them a card.

52. Surprise them with a gift when its a non-holiday.

53. Cook them a favorite meal.

54. Try a new restaurant.

55. Ask them how they feel.

56. Let them know when you are proud of them.

57. Ask for their opinion.

58. Turn on some romantic music.

59. Dedicate a song to them.

60. Send them a balloon bouquet.
61. Watch a sunset together.

62. Play a game together.

63. Have them teach you something they know.

64. Tell them they have the night off.

65. Go to a movie they select.

66. Ask them for a hug.

67. Wear some new cologne.

68. Take them to Bali.

69. Discuss future plans with them.

70. Ask if you can help when they look sad.
71. Ask them about their dreams.

72. Meet them for lunch.

73. Enlarge a scenic photo of a place you have shared.

74. Give them a gift certificate for their favorite store.

75. Tell them what you like about them.

76. Buy them a new perfume.

77. Take them to a scenic spot.

78. Send them a gourmet gift basket.

79. Send them a joke card.

80. Let them know when you have thought of them during the day.
81. Buy them a toy.

82. Compliment them to their friends.

83. Bring them a thirst quenching drink.

84. Tell them when they look attractive.

85. Send them a post card.

86. Invite them to a secret rendezvous.

87. Give them a massage.

88. Take a lesson with them.

89. Look at photos together of when you met.

90. Plan a vacation with them.
91. Listen openly to their opposing opinion.

92. Buy them a new piece of jewelry.

93. Watch a TV show they like with them

94. Write them a letter.

95. Listen to music with them, such as an old favorite.

96. Whisper sweet nothings in their ear.

97. Tell them what you like that they do.

98. Give a head massage.

99. Invite them to a concert.

100. Let them know you care

Sunday, March 28, 2010

Some phrases have a very different meaning from the start of their sentences

Some phrases are only used when they are untrue.

"I'm not racist, but ..."

"I'm sure I ..."

"I don't want to contradict you..."

"With all due respect"

"Far be it from me ... "

"It goes without saying..."

"... not to mention ..."

"No offence"

"Oh no, I couldn't possibly"

"Oh go on then - just one."

"I shan't make this a long speech."

"Nothing, darling."

"Serves 4"

"I'm no prude, but ..."

"Family planning"

"Network upgrade"

"Care in the community"

"Back in 5 min"

"I'll just put you on hold for a moment."

"Congratulations! You have been especially chosen/selected ..."

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Joke: Direct questions from an old man

An old man limped into the doctor's office and said, "Doctor, my knee hurts
so bad, I can hardly walk!"

The doctor slowly eyed him from head to toe, paused, and then said, "Sir,
how old are you?"

"I'm 98," the man announced proudly.

The doctor just sighed and looked at him again. Finally he said, "Sir, I'm
sorry. I mean, just look at you. You are almost one hundred years old, and
you're complaining that your knee hurts? Well, what did you expect?"

The old man said, "Well, my other knee is 98 years old too, and it doesn't

Friday, March 26, 2010

Recipe - Banana Bread Recipe

2 cups flour
1 teaspoon baking soda
1/4 teaspoon salt
1/2 cup solid vegetable shortening
1 cup granulated sugar
2 eggs, beaten
3 ripe bananas
4 teaspoons sour cream

Preheat oven to 350F.
Grease a loaf pan.
Sift flour, baking soda, and salt, set aside.
Cream shortening and sugar together.
Beat eggs and mash bananas together then add to creamed sugar and shortening.
Add flour mixture alternately with sour cream and beat until smooth.
Pour into pan and about 1 hour or until done.

The eligible, handsome and not so eligible men, along with other parameters such as ugliness

1. The nice men are ugly.

2. The handsome men are not nice.

3. The handsome and nice men are gay.

4. The handsome, nice, and heterosexual men are married.

5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

7. The handsome men without money are after our money.

8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have no money, are cowards.

10. The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have money and thank God are straight, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!

11. The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.


Thursday, March 25, 2010

Things You Don't Want To Hear During Surgery... enough to give you a heart attack

-Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!

-Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.

-Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?

-Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.

-Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?

-There go the lights again...

-Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.

-Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!

-Could you stop that thing from beating? It's throwing my concentration off.

-What's this doing here?

-I hate it when they're missing stuff in here.

-That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!

-Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.

-Sterile, shcmerle. The floor's clean, right?

-What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?

-OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.

-This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?

-Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?

-Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.

-What do you mean, "You want a divorce"!

-FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

-Rats! Page 47 of the manual is missing!

-Isn't this the one with the really lousy insurance?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

2 quick jokes - talking animals and a restaurant communication

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to
boast about his track record. "In the last 15 races, I've
won 8 of them!"

Another horse breaks in, "Well in the last 27 races, I've
won 19!!"

"Oh that's good, but in the last 36 races, I've won 28!",
says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been
sitting there listening. "I don't mean to boast," says the
greyhound, "but in my last 90 races, I've won 88 of them!"

The horses are clearly amazed. "Wow!" says one, after a
hushed silence. "A talking dog."


On a busy Friday night at the restaurant where I'd recently
started waiting tables, the owner suddenly emerged from the
kitchen and handed me money. "We're in trouble!" He said.
"We're out of quarters, and customers are waiting. Go next
door and get me $40 worth."

I ran to the supermarket next door, but a cashier said she
wasn't allowed to give out that many quarters. Determined,
I sprinted to a convenience store two blocks away, but it
was closed. At a gas station farther down the road, the
clerk took pity and gave me the four rolls of quarters.
Twenty minutes after I'd left, I handed the coin rolls to
my boss. "Where are the quarters?" He asked.

"Right here," I said breathlessly.

His face sank. "I meant chicken quarters."

Tuesday, March 23, 2010


A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

A snail can sleep for three years.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child
reaches 2 to 6 years of age.

Butterflies taste with their feet.

Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds. Dogs only have about 10.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

If the population of China walked past you in single file, the line
would never end because of the rate of reproduction.

In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

Leonardo DiVinci invented the scissors.

No word in the English language rhymes with month.

Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and ears
never stop growing.

Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.

"Stewardesses' is the longest word typed with only the left hand,
"lollipop" with your right.

The cruise liner, QE2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel
that it burns.

The name of all the continents end with the same letter that they start with.

The words 'racecar' and kayak' are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left.

TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters
only on one row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

If you are an average American, in your whole life, you will spend an
average of 6 months waiting at a red light.,

In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a
watch face, is 10:'0.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

Your stomach has to produce a new layer of mucus every two weeks,
otherwise it will digest itself.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels
in order: "abstemious" and "facetious."

There is a word in the English language with only one vowel, which
occurs five times, "indivisibility."

The Bible does not say there were three wise men; it only says there
were three gifts.

Did you know that crocodiles never outgrow the pool in which they
live? That means that if you put a baby croc in an aquarium, it would
be little for the rest of its life.

A group of geese on the ground is a gaggle; a group of geese in the
air is a skein.

A 'jiffy' is an actualy unit of time for 1/100th of a second.

Pinocchio is Italian for "pine eye".

The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog" uses every
letter of the alphabet.

The only 15-letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is "uncopyrightable".

Barbie's full name is Barbara Milicent Roberts.

It's impossible to lick your elbow.

More than 50% of the people in the world have never made or received
a telephone call.

Rats and horses can't vomit.

The "sixth sick sheik's sixth sheep's sick" is said to be the
toughest tongue twister in the English language..........try it!

Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in
your ear by 700 times.

In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.

The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are
already married.

In the course of an average lifetime, you will, while sleeping, eat
70 assorted insects and 10 spiders. (I didn't know that!!)

Most lipstick contains fish scales.

Cat's urine glows under a black light.

Like fingerprints, everyone's tongue print is different.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Joke: Why the man finally decided to join AA after too much drinking

A man goes to a party and has too much to drink. His friends plead
with him to let them take him home. He says no - he only lives a
mile away.

About five blocks from party, the police pull him over
for weaving and ask him to get out of the car and walk the line.
Just as he starts, the police radio blares out a notice of a robbery
taking place in a house just a block away.The police tell the party
animal to stay put, they will be right back and they hop a fence
and run down the street to the robbery.

The guy waits and waits and finally decides to drive home. When
he gets there, he tells his wife he is going to bed, and to tell
anyone who might come looking for him that he has the flu
and has been in bed all day.

A few hours later the police knock on the door. They ask if Mr.Miller
is there and his wife says yes. They ask to see him and she replies
that he is in bed with the flu and has been so all day.

The police have his driver's license. They ask to see his car and she
asks why. They insist on seeing his car, so she takes them to
the garage and opens the door where they find the police car,
lights still flashing.

True story, told by the driver at his first AA meeting.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Joke: The argument between the rabbis and god's intervention

It seems that these four rabbis had a series of theological
arguments, and three were always in accord against the

One day, the odd rabbi out, after the usual "3 to 1,
majority rules" statement that signified that he had lost
again, decided to appeal to a higher authority.

"Oh, God!" he cried. "I know in my heart that I am right
and they are wrong! Please give me a sign to prove it to

It was a beautiful, sunny day, but as soon as the rabbi
finished his prayer, a storm cloud moved across the sky
above the four. It rumbled once and dissolved. "A sign from
God! See, I'm right, I knew it!"

But the other three disagreed, pointing out that storm
clouds form on hot days. So the rabbi prayed again "Oh, God,
I need a bigger sign to show that I am right and they are

This time four storm clouds appeared, rushed toward each
other to form one big cloud, and a bolt of lightning slammed
into a tree on a nearby hill.

"I told you I was right!" cried the rabbi, but his friends
insisted that nothing had happened that could not be
explained by natural causes. The rabbi was getting ready to
ask for a *very big* sign, but just as he said, "Oh God...,"
the sky turned pitch black, the earth shook, and a deep,
booming voice intoned, "HEEEEEEEE'S RIIIIIIIGHT!"

The rabbi put his hands on his hips, turned to the other
three, and said, "Well?"

"So," shrugged one of the other rabbis, "now it's 3 to 2."

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Humour: How men change - 6 weeks, 6 months, and 6 years

The Love Word:
After 6 weeks: I looo-ve you, I love you, I love you!
After 6 months: Of course, I love you.
After 6 years: GOD, if I didn't love you, then why did I marry you?

Back from Work:
After 6 weeks: Honey, I'm home!
After 6 months: I'm BACK!!
After 6 years: Have you cooked yet?

Phone Ringing:
After 6 weeks: Baby, somebody wants you on the phone.
After 6 months: Here, it's for you.
After 6 years: ANSWER THE PHONE DAM*T!!

After 6 weeks: I never knew food could taste so good!
After 6 months: What are we having for dinner tonight?
After 6 years: DUMPLING AGAIN??

New Dress:
After 6 weeks: Wow, you look like an angel in that dress.
After 6 months: You bought a new dress again?
After 6 years: How much did THAT cost me?

After 6 weeks: Baby, what would you like us to watch tonight?
After 6 months: I like this movie.
After 6 years: I'm going to watch PIRATES play, if you're not in the mood, go to bed, I can stay up by myself!

Making Love:
After 6 weeks: Baby, I want you tonight?
After 6 months: Lets make another baby, my mother just called!!!
After 6 years: Please MOVE over to your side, I'm suffocating here!!!!

Friday, March 19, 2010

Information about different types of phobias - a fear of something


A phobia, is an irrational, intense, persistent fear of certain situations, activities, things, or people. The main symptom of this disorder is the excessive, unreasonable desire to avoid the feared subject. Here are 45 such phobias:

Ablutophobia - fear of bathing.

Acerophobia - fear of sourness.

Alliumphobia - fear of garlic.

Allodoxaphobia - fear of opinions.

Amathophobia - fear of dust.

Anglophobia - fear of England or English culture, etc.

Anthophobia - the fear of flowers.

Arachibutyrophobia- fear of peanut butter sticking to the roof of the mouth.

Aulophobia - fear of flutes.

Automatonophobia - fear of ventriloquist' s dummies, animatronic creatures, wax statues -

anything that falsly represents a sentient being.

Barophobia - fear of gravity.

Bolshephobia - fear of Bolsheviks.

Cacophobia - fear of ugliness.

Caligynephobia - fear of beautiful women.

Chorophobia - fear of dancing.

Cibophobia - fear of food itself.

Consecotaleophobia - fear of chopsticks.

Dikephobia - fear of justice.

Dutchphobia - fear of the Dutch.

Ephebiphobia - fear of teenagers.

Euphobia - fear of hearing good news.

Francophobia - fear of France or French culture.

Geniophobia - fear of chins.

Germanophobia - fear of Germany or German culture.

Hellenologophobia - fear of Greek terms or complex scientific terminology.

Hexakosioihexekonta hexaphobia - fear of the number 666.

Hippopotomonstroses quipedaliophobia - fear of long words.

Japanophobia - fear of Japanese.

Judeophobia- fear of Jews.

Lutraphobia - fear of otters.

Mnemophobia - fear of memories.

Mottephobia - fear of moths.

Nomophobia - fear of being out of mobile phone contact.

Odontophobia - fear of teeth.

Omphalophobia - fear of belly buttons.

Pakiphobia - fear of Indians of Pakistan's involvement in any tragedy in India

Panophobia or Pantophobia - fear of everything.

Papaphobia - fear of the Pope.

Phagophobia - fear of swallowing

Spectrophobia - fear of mirrors.

Trichophobia - fear of loose hairs.

Triskaidekaphobia - fear of the number 13.

Venustraphobia - fear of very beautiful and attractive women.

Vomitophobia - fear of vomiting.

Zemmiphobia - fear of the great mole rat.

Thursday, March 18, 2010


1. When I was born, I was given a choice, a big dick or a good memory....I don't remember what I chose.

2. A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects.

3. Impotence: nature's way of saying, "No hard feelings..."

4. There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.

5. Panties: not the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.

6. There are three stages in a man's life: Tri-Weekly, Try Weekly and Try Weakly.

7. Virginity can be cured.

8. Virginity is not dignity, it's lack of opportunity.

9. Having sex is like playing bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you better have a good hand.

10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.

11. Question: What's an Australian kiss?
Answer: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.

12. Question: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Answer: Breasts don't have eyes.

13. Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives."

Wednesday, March 17, 2010

Joke: Zebra and the stallion - moved to the farm

There was this zebra who had lived her entire life in a zoo and was
getting on a bit so the zoo keeper decided as a treat that she could
spend her final years in bliss on a farm.

The zebra was so excited, she got out of the lock up to see this huge
space with green grass and hill and trees and all these strange
animals. She saw a big fat weird looking brown thing and ran up to it
all excited.

"Hi! I'm a zebra what are you?"

"I'm a cow," said the cow.

"Right, what do you do?"

"I make milk for the farmer."

"Cool." The zebra then saw this funny looking little white thing and
ran over to it, "Hi, I'm a zebra what are you?"

"I'm a chicken," said the chicken.

"Oh, right, what do you do?"

"I make eggs for the farmer."

"Right - o, great, see ya round."

Then the zebra saw this very handsome beast that looked almost
exactly like her without the stripes.

She ran over to it and said, "Hi, I'm a zebra what are you."

"I am a Stallion," said the stallion.

"Wow," said the zebra. "What do you do?"

"Take off your pajamas, darling, and I'll show you."

Monday, March 1, 2010

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