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Saturday, December 19, 2009

A huge photo - World's Largest Spherical Photo (18-Gigapixel Awesomeness)

Available at this site (link)
About this Photo
This is a super high resolution photo. Use your mouse to zoom in and see a startling level of detail. This image is currently (as of 12/2009) the largest spherical panoramic photo in the world. It is 192,000 pixels wide and 96,000 pixels tall. That’s 18.4 billion pixels, or 18.4 gigapixels! When it’s printed, it will be 16 meters (53 feet) long at regular photographic quality (300dpi). It was shot in early October 2009 from the top of the Zizkov TV Tower in Prague, Czech Republic.
How did you create this panorama?
I used a Canon 5d mark 2 and a 70-200mm lens, set to 200mm. The camera was mounted on a robotic device which turned the camera in tiny, precise increments, in every direction. All together, 40 gigabytes of images were shot. These images were then stitched together using PTGui. The resulting panorama was adjusted for color, contrast, sharpness, etc. in Photoshop. Afterwards, the image was cut into lots of “tiles” and uploaded to our server. When you view the image online, you only load a few of these “tiles” at one time.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Joke: Whose store was it

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in
the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30,
the store's opening time, in front of the store.

A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back,
amid loud and colourful curse. On the man's second attempt, he was punched
square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown at the end of
the line again.

As he got up, he said to the person at the end of the line, "That does it!
If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

Joke: Karate my ass

Harold's new job had him working really late.

He decides to get his wife a watchdog. He goes to the pet store and
asks for a doberman.

The employee said, "If its a guard dog you want I have a dog just for
you." The man walks to the back of the store to get a dog and comes
back with a little poodle.

Harold says, "This small thing, a watch dog? You're kidding, right?"
The employee says, "No, this dog is special; he knows karate."

"Karate? I don't believe it," Harold says.

The employee puts the dog down and says, "Karate the sign." And he
points to a sign advertising dog food.
The dog runs up and rips the sign to shreds. Harold is amazed at this.

The employee then says, "Karate the chair." And he points to a chair
in the corner. The dog runs up and rips the chair to shreds.

By now Harold is convinced. "I'll take him," he says.

When he gets home he surprises his wife and she yells out, "This
little thing, a watch dog? No way."

Harold says, "But this dog knows karate."

"Karate," she yells. "Karate my ass!"

Joke: Sex between an older man and younger woman

An older man was married to a younger woman.

After several years of a very happy marriage, he had a heart attack.

The doctor advised him that to prolong his life they should cut out sex.

He and his wife discussed the matter and decided that he should sleep
in the family room downstairs to save them both from temptation.

One night, after several weeks, he decided that life without sex
wasn't worth living. So he headed upstairs.

He met his wife on the staircase and said, "I was coming up to die."

She laughed and replied, "I was coming down to kill you!"

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

SourceMate - tool for Flash builders

SourceMate is the new must-have companion tool for serious Flash Builder developers.

- Convert Local Variable to Field
- Extract Constant
- Extract Method
- Extract Interface
- Change Method Signature
- Disable All trace() Statements
Code Generation
- Override/Implement Methods
- Generate Getters/Setters
- Generate Constructor using Fields
- Generate toString()
- Generate ASDoc Comments
Metadata Integration
- Content Assist for Metadata Tags (can include custom/framework tags)
- Metadata Tag Validation
General Productivity
- Task markers for TODO,FIXME, and XXX comments
- MXML and Actionscript Code Snippets View
- Generate Ant Build.xml from Flex project settings
- ASDoc Generation Wizard

Available at this link for Beta.

Saturday, December 12, 2009 - Good Delivery bars

Why would you be interested in something called ? What is it ?
It used to be very difficult for private individuals to find a simple, safe and cost-effective way of buying, storing, and then selling gold. The main problem was the sheer size of the investment you needed to make to access the best prices - and there were extra complications with integrity and storage too. enables people from all over the world to own professional market gold and keep it in any quantity in officially recognized bullion vaults in London (UK), New York (USA), or Zurich (Switzerland).
All BullionVault gold is held in Good Delivery form. So when you come to sell, your buyer is able to trust the purity and weight of your gold, which is guaranteed by BullionVault itself because we know that you never had the chance to corrupt it.

Friday, December 11, 2009


~ You write to your mother in Germany every week, even though she sends you mail from Iowa asking why you never write.

~ You're always having to apologize to your next door neighbor for setting fire to his lawn decorations.

~ Nobody listens to you anymore, because they can't understand you through that scuba mask.

~ You begin to stop and consider all of the blades of grass you've stepped on as a child, and worry that their ancestors are going to one day seek revenge.

~ You have meaningful conversations with your toaster.

~ You collect dead windowsill flies.

~ Every time the phone rings, you shout, "Hey! An angel just got its wings!"

~ You cry at the end of every episode of Gilligan's Island, because they weren't rescued.

~ You put tennis balls in the microwave to see if they'll hatch.

~ Whenever you listen to the radio, the music sounds backwards.

~ You have a predominant fear of fabric softener.

~ Your dentist asks you why each individual tooth has your name etched on it, and you tell him it's for security reasons.

~ Melba toast excites you.

~ When the waiter asks for your order, you ask to go into another room to tell him, because "the napkins have ears."

~ You tend to agree with everything your mother's dead uncle tells you.

~ You call up random people and ask if you can borrow their dog, just for a few minutes.

~ Your main goal in life is to become the president of Bulemia.

~ Nearly everything you say involves the word, "P-toing!"

~ You argue with yourself about which is better, to be eaten by a koala or to be loved by an infectious disease.

~ You like to sit in cornfields for prolonged periods of time, and pretend that you're a stalk.

~ You think that exploding wouldn't be so bad, once you got used to it.

~ People offer you help, but you unfortunately interpret this as a violation of your rights as a boysenberry.

Joke: The potion that makes a person younger

A man and his wife receive a letter from their daughter who went to study overseas:

My beloved Parents, I miss you so much. I don't know when I'm coming home, but it seems not anytime soon. It breaks my heart to think that by the time I get back you'll be too old. So enclosed you will find a bottle of a potion I have invented. It will make you young, so when I return you'll be the same age as I left you. NOTE: "Please take only one drop"
NOTE: "Please take only one drop"

So they open the envelope and in it there is a bottle with a red potion..
The husband looks at the wife and says: "You go first."

So the wife opens the bottle and takes a drop, there after the husband follows. Indeed they do turn 5 years younger.

A year passes and the daughter returns home to find her mother young and beautiful, carrying a baby on her back.
The mother proceeds to tell her daughter how the potion worked and made her look young.

The daughter is delighted and asks about her father.
"Your father, my child, got so jealous that I was young and beautiful so he drank the whole bottle."
"So where is he?"

"Oh, that's him I have on my back."

Joke: The Old Prospector

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He'd
been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He
walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitch
rail. As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes,
a gunslinger walked out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of
whiskey in the other.

The gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have
you ever danced?"

The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance. I
just never wanted to."

A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, "Well you old fool,
you're gonna' dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The
old prospector was hopping around and everybody was laughing. When the
gunslinger fired his last bullet he holstered his gun and turned around to
go back into the saloon.

The old man reached up on the mule, drew his shotgun, and pulled both
hammers back making a double clicking sound. The gunslinger heard the sound
and everything got quiet. The crowd watched as the gunslinger slowly turned
around looking down both barrels of the shotgun.

The old man asked, "Did you ever kiss a mule square on the ass?"

The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No. But I've always wanted to."

Don't mess with the old guys.

Friday, December 4, 2009

Photo making collage - PhotoMix

What is PhotoMix ?
PhotoMix is a full-featured collage making software. It allows any user to create professionally looking collages with a couple of clicks - no experience in image editing required. Create a collage by compiling various pictures of any size and form, or work with one photo and give it a unique look by applying numerous actions. Collage can be exported as an editable project or single image, you can send it by email or print.
Learn more at this link.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Humour: If Women Ruled The World

- PMS would be a legitimate defense in court.

- Men would get reputations for sleeping around.

- A man would no longer be considered a "good catch" simply because
he is breathing.

- Fewer women would be dieting because their ideal weight standard
would increase by 40 pounds - Shopping would be considered an aerobic activity.

- Men would be secretaries for female bosses, working twice as hard
for none of the credit.

- Men would earn 70 cents for every dollar women made.

- Men would bring drinks, chips and dip to women watching soap
operas. - Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles, because
there would be no pictures.

- Men would learn phrases like: "I'm sorry", "I love you", "You're
beautiful", "Of course you don't look fat in that outfit."

- Men would be judged entirely by their looks, women by their accomplishments.

- Men would sit around and wonder what WE are thinking. - Men would
pay as much attention to their woman as to their car.

- All toilet seats would be nailed down.

- Men would work on relationships as much as they work on their careers.

- TV news segments on sports would never run longer than 1 minute. -
All men would be forced to spend one month in a PMS simulator

- During mid-life crisis, men would get hot-flashes and women would
date 19 year olds.

- Overweight men would have their weight brought to their attention constantly.

- After a baby is born, men would take a six-week paternity leave to
wait on their wives hand and foot.

Humour: HOME MECHANIC'S TOOLS.... and their usage....

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.

MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and motorcycle jackets.

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.

VICE- GRIPS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying to get the bearing grease out of.

WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching for, the last 15 minutes.

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to say, "Ouc...."

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your new front disk brake set-up, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front fender.

EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.

TWEEZERS: A tool for removing wood splinters.

PHONE: Tool for calling your neighbour to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.

SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for getting dog-doo off your boot.

E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.

TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic instrument for illuminating grease build up.

TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.

CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.

BATTERY ELECTROLYTE TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulphuric acid from a car battery to the inside of your tool box after determining that your battery is dead as a door nail, just as you thought.

METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.

TROUBLE LIGHT: The mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine vitamin," which is not otherwise found under motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
than light, its name is somewhat misleading.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips screw heads and can double as oil filter removal wrench by stabbing through stubborn oil filters.

AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 60 years ago by someone in Springfield, and rounds them off.

PRYBAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.

Joke: No ears means that you would be blind

Jon and Dave were in a mental institution. This place had an annual contest, picking two of the best patients and giving them two questions. If they got them correct, they're deemed cured and free to go.

Jon was called into the doctor's office first and asked if he understood that he'd be free if he answered the questions correctly. The doctor said, "Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?"

Jon said, "I'd be half blind." "That's correct. What if I poked out both of your eyes?" "I'd be completely blind." The doctor got up, shook his hand and told him he was free.

On Jon's way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the exam to Dave. He told him what questions were going to be asked, and told him the answers. Dave was called in. The doctor went through the formalities and asked, "What would happen if I cut off one of your ears?"

Dave, remembering what Jon said was the correct answer, he said, "I'd be half blind." The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. "What if I cut off both of your
ears?" "I'd be completely blind." Dave answered. "Dave, can you explain how you'd be blind?" "My hat would fall over my eyes."


"To the gentleman wearing the long grey coat trying to
get on the second carriage, what part of 'stand clear
of the doors' don't you understand?"

At Camden town station (on a crowded Saturday afternoon):
"Please let the passengers off the train first. Please let
the passengers off the train first. Please let the passengers
off the train first. Let the passengers off the train FIRST!
Oh go on then, stuff yourselves in like sardines, see if I
care, I'm going home."

"Your delay this evening is caused by the line controller suffering
from elbow and backside syndrome, not knowing one from the other.
I'll let you know any further information as soon as I'm given any."

"Please mind the closing doors..." The doors close...The doors reopen.
"Passengers are reminded that the big red slidey things on the side
of the train are called the doors. Let's try it again, shall we? Please
stand clear of the doors." The doors close... "Thank you."

"I am sorry about the delay, apparently some nutter has just wandered
into the tunnel at Euston. We don't know when we'll be moving again, but
these people tend to come out pretty quickly...usually in bits."

"Good morning ladies and gentlemen. This train is for Brixton. The time
is almost upon us for the doors to close and for us to discover if the
person next to us is wearing deodorant."

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Joke: Nun and her flight

A nun was going to Chicago. She went to the airport and sat down waiting
for her flight. She looked over in the corner and saw one of those weight
machines that tell your fortune. So, she thought to herself "I'll give it a
try just to see what it tells me."

She went over to the machine and put her nickel in, and out came a card
that said, "You're a nun you weigh 128 lb. and you are going to Chicago,
Illinois." She sat back down and thought about it. She told herself it
probably tells everyone the same thing, but decided to try it again.

She went back to the machine and put her nickel in. Out came a card that
read, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lb., you're going to Chicago, Illinois
and you are going to play a fiddle." The nun said to herself, "I know
that's wrong, I have never played a musical instrument a day in my
life," She sat
down again. From no where, a cowboy came over and set his fiddle case
down next to her. The nun picked up the fiddle and just started playing
beautiful music. Startled, she looked back at the machine and said,
"This is incredible. I've got to try it again,"

Back to the machine. She put her nickel in and another card came out. It
said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you're going to Chicago, Illinois
and you're going to break wind. Now, the nun knows the machine is wrong;
"I've never broke wind in public a day in my life! "Well, she tripped, fell
off the scales and broke wind.

Stunned, she sat back down and looked at the machine. She said to herself,
"This is truly unbelievable! I've got to try it again."

She went back to the machine, put her nickel in and collected the card. It
said, "You're a nun, you weigh 128 lbs., you have fiddled and farted around
and missed your flight to Chicago.

Joke: Where are the brakes ?

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a
car, he knocks on the window. The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes?'

Biker: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?'

Driver: 'No I haven't'

The Biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he
knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window: 'Yes?'

Biker: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?'

Driver: 'No I haven't'

Then suddenly there is a curve, the Biker sees it too late.

He crashes off the road into a ditch.

A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky Biker. Covered in blood and
surely dying, the Biker asks: 'Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?'

'Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years'.

The Biker says: "Tell me, where are the brakes?'

Joke: Why was this man arrested ?

As the man struggled to eliminate the sag in the eaves, some rotted
wood gave way underneath him. He fell right through the hole in the
roof, but managed to grab the edge of the eaves as he fell, catching himself.

Unfortunately, the sudden weight of the falling man caused the edge
of the roof to completely tear loose from the rest of the house,
resulting in the man falling twenty feet to the ground and getting
pummelled with debris from the collapsed eaves.

A neighbor happened to witness this and hurried over to check on the
man. He was alive, but badly hurt.

The paramedics were called and he was taken to the hospital in agony.

The man's injuries were serious enough hat he spent six weeks in the
hospital recovering.

On his last day in the hospital, the police arrived and announced
that he was under arrest for his activities six weeks earlier.

"What!?" exclaimed the man. "You're going to arrest me for falling
off my own roof?"

"Oh no," replied the policeman. "We're arresting you for tearing off
the edge of your roof without a permit. ... That's a clear case of
illegal eavesdropping."

Joke: Clothes have shrunk

My son Mark was only 5 feet, 8 inches tall when he left for college
in the fall.

He worked through the Christmas holidays and didn't return home again
until the February break.

When he got off the plane, I was stunned at how much taller he
looked. Measuring him at home, I discovered he now stood at 5 feet, 11 inches.

My son was as surprised as I. "Couldn't you tell by your clothes that
you'd grown?" I asked him.

"Since I've been doing my own laundry," he replied, "I just figured
everything had shrunk."

Joke: Two Bagels

It was a terrible night, blowing cold and snow in a most frightful manner. The streets were deserted and the local baker was just about to close up shop when a little Jewish man slipped through the door. He carried an umbrella, blown inside out, and was bundled in two sweaters and a thick coat. But even so he still looked wet, freezing, and bedraggled.

As he unwound his scarf he said to the baker, "May I have two poppy seed bagels to go, please?"

The baker said in astonishment, "Two bagels? Nothing more?"

"That's right," answered the little man. "One for me and one for Sherry."

"Sherry is your wife?" asked the baker.

"What did you think," snapped the little man, "that my mother would send me out on a night like this?"

Joke: Why would you name the Lake so ?

When I was a child, my family used to often take our vacations in British Columbia . We had a favorite place to visit, mostly because of the fine fishing. It was at a lake that was about 30 miles long and a ½ mile wide.

While we were around our campfire in the evenings, the local Indians would go from camp to camp selling their wares. They would also tell of the legends of the area. This one legend always stuck in my mind:

It seemed that on this particular lake, two Indian tribes made their homes. They were, however, at war with one another from years before. There was an Indian maiden in one camp who was in love with a young brave in the other camp, and they used to stand on the shore of their respective side of the lake and chant Indian love calls to each other even though they were warned by their Chiefs that nothing could ever become of their love.

One day, they just couldn't stand being apart any longer. That evening, on a cold fall night, they each jumped into the lake and swam towards each other in the moonlight.

When they reached each other in in the middle of the lake, they embraced and very quickly froze to death. This act so impressed the brave's tribe that they named the lake after the young man.

I will never forget those wonderful vacations that we spent at Lake Stupid.

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Second list of world's uglist buildings - VirtualTourist

You would have lists of beautiful locations, incredibly designed buildings, and other such things; so why not the converse ? Why not a list of ugly buildings ? This is a bit more controversial, because while people can dispute a list of beautiful buildings, they can get offended if you call a building in their locality to be ugly.
However, Virtual Tourist has published a second such list (link).
A sampling of some of the buildings they identified:
1) Morris A. Mechanic Theater; Baltimore, Maryland
2) Zizkov TV Tower; Prague, Czech Republic
3) Parliament Building; Wellington, New Zealand

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Atlas - Cappuccino/Objective-J dev environment

Atlas helps you focus on what's unique about your application, whether you're targeting the Desktop, the Web, or both.

• Runs in a browser
• Includes a design surface
• Has some novel UI for hooking up databindings
• They also show off a handful of components that they wire up to do things like “read an RSS feed”.

Link and download.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Reasons to be Thankful you Burnt the Bird on Thanksgiving

· Salmonella won’t be a concern.

· Everyone will think your turkey is Cajun blackened.

· Uninvited guests will think twice next year.

· Your cheese broccoli lima bean casserole will gain newfound appreciation.

· Pets won’t bother to pester you for scraps.

· No one will overeat.

· The smoke alarm was due for a test.

· Carving the bird will provide a good cardiovascular workout.

· You’ll get to the desserts even quicker.

· After dinner, the guys can take the bird to the yard and play

· The less turkey Uncle You-Know-Who eats, the less likely he will be to walk around with his pants unbuttoned.

· You won’t have to face three weeks of turkey sandwiches.

Humour: Definitions For My Husband On Thanksgiving Day

PLAYBOOK: Also known as my cookbook, to be kept in plain sight at all times. If the book gets moved, the game could get ugly.

OFFSIDES: Silverware is to be set next to the plates -- off to the side, dear, not tossed in the middle of the table in a heap, for all to scramble for.

GAME TIME: This is when the food must all be on the table, at the same time, at the same temperature (preferably hot) so that the *teams* may meet at the arena (Table) for the coach to say the prayer.

TEAM SPIRIT: That which shall be upheld until the END of the game. When the coach (ME) has heard the fat lady sing (AUNT MARTHA saying that she's had enough to eat).

COMMERCIAL BREAKS: There will be NONE for us, until I deem them totally necessary for my sanity, when you have made me crazy!

PENALTIES: Will be given if there is no team spirit showing and the game time is DELAYED or offsides have occurred due to a certain *televised* football game engaging your attention!

HOLDING: May be necessary of several large bowls, so that I may pour gravy without staining my new silk blouse. And keep in mind dear, I am HOLDING the clicker for the T.V. for ransom ;).

TOUCHDOWNS: Please make them gentle when bowls are being touched down on the table. Do not spike them, and do not dance when the mission is complete!

FLAG ON THE PLAY: When something is spilled, PLEASE by all means throw a towel down on it and mop it up!

RUSHING: What we will be doing a lot of!!

GROOMING THE FIELD: Dear husband, if you help me through this meal, as I know you will, I promise to RECRUIT new players for the clean up and YES... in plenty of time for you to enjoy the REAL GAME!!!

Nostalgic for older games ? Try

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Fallout2, Duke Nukem 3D, etc
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Tuesday, November 17, 2009


*Q.* What do lawyers use for birth control?
*A.* Their personalities.

*Q.* What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
*A.* A tick falls off of you when you die.

*Q.* Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
*A.* To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

*Q.* What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
*A.* Not enough sand.

*Q.* What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
*A.* There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

*Q.* What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
*A.* A Doberman.

*Q.* What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
*A.* One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

*Q.* Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
*A.* They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Too many questions

Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "Tea please"

Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "

Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer: "White"

Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "

Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.

Question: "Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "

Question: "Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"

Question: "Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "

Question:"White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."

Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"

Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst"

Some questions and answers

Q.How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
A. Concrete floors are very hard to crack! (UPSC Topper)

Q.If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
A. No time at all it is already built. (UPSC 23 rd Rank Opted for IFS)

Q.If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and fourapples and three oranges in the other hand, what would you have?
A. Very large hands.(Good one) (UPSC 11 Rank Opted for IPS)

Q. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
A. It is not a problem, since you will never find an elephant withone hand. (UPSC Rank 14 Opted for IES)

Q. How can a man go eight days without sleep?

A. No Probs, He sleeps at night. (UPSC IAS Rank 98)

Q. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea what it will become?
A. It will Wet or Sink as simple as that. (UPSC IAS Rank 2)

Q. What looks like half apple?
A : The other half. (UPSC - IAS Topper )

Q. What can you never eat for breakfast?
A : Dinner.

Monday, November 16, 2009

2 quick jokes

Life is all about ass; you're either covering it, laughing it off,
kicking it, kissing it, busting it, trying to get a piece of it, or
behaving like one.


A salesman, tired of his job, gave it up to become a policeman.

Several months later, a friend who used to work with him asked him
how he liked his new role.

"Well," he replied, "the pay is good and the hours aren't bad, but
what I like best is that the customer is always wrong."

Quickies Jokes

Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a Pilgrim family on their way to church. Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren, observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with their mothers and fathers."

"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad carrying that rifle?"


A Sunday school teacher was teaching her class the difference between right and wrong. "All right children, let's take another example," she said. "If I were to get into a man's pocket and take all his money, what would I be?"

Little Johnny raised his hand and blurted out, "You'd be his wife!"


A wife went to the police station with her next-door neighbor to report that her husband was missing. The policeman asked for a description.

She said, "He's 35 years old, 6 foot 4, had dark eyes, dark wavy hair, an athletic build, weighs 185 pounds, is soft-spoken, and is good to the children."

The next-door neighbor protested, "Your husband is 5 foot 4 inches, chubby, bald, has a big mouth, and is mean to your children."

The wife replied, "Yes, but who wants HIM back?"

Joke: Rules For Thanksgiving Dinner At My House

(Print and give copy to each guest that enters your home.)

1. Don't get in line asking questions about the food. "Who made the potato salad? Is it egg in there? Are the greens fresh? Is the meat in the greens turkey or pork? Who made the macaroni and cheese? What kind of pie is that? Who made it? Ask one more question and I will punch you in your mouth, knocking out all your fronts so you won't be able to eat anything.

2. If you have kids under the age of twelve, I will escort their little butts to the basement and bring their food down to them. They are not gonna tear my house up this year. Tell them that they are not allowed upstairs until it's time for Uncle Butchie to start telling family stories about their mommas and papas. If they come upstairs for any reason except for that they are bleeding to death, I will tear their butts up and you better not ask why!

3. There is going to be one prayer for Thanksgiving dinner! JUST ONE! We do not care that you are thankful that your 13 year old daughter gave birth to a healthy baby or your nephew just got out of jail. The time limit for the prayer is one minute. If you are still talking after that one minute is up, you will feel something hard come across your lips and they will be swollen for approximately 20 minutes.

4. Finish everything on your plate before you go up for seconds! If you don't, you will be asked to stay your greedy butt home next year!

5. BRING YOUR OWN TUPPERWARE!! Don't let me catch you fixing yourself a plate in my good Tupperware knowing that I will never see it again! Furthermore, if you didn't bring anything over, don't let me catch you making a plate period or it will be a misunderstanding. And why are you making plates before you eat? You never bring a dish or offer a dime do you?

6. What you came with is what you should leave with!! Do not leave my house with anything that doesn't belong to you. EVERYBODY WILL BE SUBJECTED TO A BODY SEARCH COMING AND GOING OUT OF MY DOMAIN!!!

7. Do not leave your kids so you can go hopping from house to house. This is not a DAYCARE CENTER! There will be a kid-parent roll call every ten minutes. Any parent that is not present at the time of roll call, your child will be put outside until you come and get him or her. After 24 hours, I will call CPS!

8. BOOK YOUR HOTEL ROOM BEFORE YOU COME INTO TOWN!! There will be no sleeping over at my house! You are to come and eat dinner and go home or to your hotel room. EVERYBODY GETS KICKED OUT AT 11:00 pm. You will get a 15 minute warning bell ring.

9. Last but not least! ONE PLATE PER PERSON!! This is not a soup kitchen. I am not trying to feed your family until Christmas dinner! You will be supervised when you fix your plate. Anything over the appropriate amount will be charged to you before you leave. There will be a cash register at the door. Thanks to Cousin Alfred and his greedy family, we now have a credit card machine! So VISA and MASTERCARD are now being accepted. NO FOOD STAMPS OR ACCESS CARDS YET!

A master's Guide to Zen

* The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

* The darkest hours come just before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk and newspaper, that's the time to do it.

* Sex is like air. It only becomes really important when you aren't getting any.

* Don't aspire to become irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

* Remember, no-one is listening until you fart.

* Never forget that like everyone else, you are unique.

* Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

* If you think nobody cares whether you're dead or alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments

* Before you judge someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you judge them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

* If at first you don't succeed, avoid skydiving.

* Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

* Have you ever lent someone £20 and never seen that person again? It was probably worth it.

* If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

* Some days we are the flies; some days we are the windscreen.

* Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

* Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

* The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

* A closed mouth gathers no feet.

* There are two theories about how to win an argument with a woman. Neither one works.

* Generally speaking, you aren't learning much if your lips are moving.

* Never miss a good chance to shut up.

* Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

* Sister in law always appears to be the most beautiful woman.

* Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

* When we are born we are naked, wet, hungry, and we get smacked on our arse. From there on in, life gets worse

* The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed.

* Remember not to forget that which you do not need to know.

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Tech article: Learning Silverlight, and the problems associated with that

Silverlight is a technology being pushed by Microsoft to compete with the Flash technology owned by Adobe, and which forms a prominent presence on a larger number of websites. The competition to Flash is getting strong, since Microsoft is pushing Silverlight through many of its tools and websites, and is also putting marketing muscle behind this effort. However, it is a tough fight, and if you read this experience by a long time Flash developer, there is much that Microsoft needs to do to improve itself (link to article):

A recent new project at my job prompted me to learn and begin working with your Silverlight products and platform. Here are my notes, some suffering points, some compliments, and overall suggestions for how to improve your relatively new process for building RIAs.
In closing, I realize that much of my issues may be a result of my not being a seasoned Microsoft and/or C# developer. Perhaps those familiar with your workflow and tools can find their way in and out of these shotgun issues much easier. I consider this, but then realize, aren’t you going after developers just like me? Aren’t you looking to give me a broader choice of tools and platform when I need to deploy a rich application?

What is Behavior Driven Develpoment ?

Behavior Driven Management strives to ensure that all the people in the software chain, including developers, QE, analysts, and product management all speak the same language. There have been a number of efforts in this direction, taking it forward from TestDrivenDevelopment and AcceptanceTestDrivenPlanning. Read more at this link.

BDD relies on the use of a very specific (and small) vocabulary to minimise miscommunication and to ensure that everyone – the business, developers, testers, analysts and managers – are not only on the same page but using the same words. For people familiar with the concept of DomainDrivenDesign, you could consider BDD to be a UbiquitousLanguage for software development.
It must be stressed that BDD is a rephrasing of existing good practice, it is not a radically new departure. Its aim is to bring together existing, well-established techniques under a common banner and with a consistent and unambiguous terminology. BDD is very much focused on “Getting the words right” and this focus is intended to produce a vocabulary that is accurate, accessible, descriptive and consistent.
In fact “Getting the words right” was the starting point for the development of BDD, and is still very much at its core, but the power of getting the words right has led to some insights and extrapolations that have helped us to better understand our approach and to extend it.

Cucumber - A tool for testing

Cucumber is a tool that aids in testing, using something called Behavior Drive Development (link) . You can get details about Cucumber at this link. Some extracts from the site:

Cucumber lets software development teams describe how software should behave in plain text. The text is written in a business-readable domain-specific language and serves as documentation, automated tests and development-aid - all rolled into one format.
Cucumber works with Ruby, Java, .NET, Flex or web applications written in any language. It has been translated to over 30 spoken languages. Cucumber allows you to write feature documentation in Plain Text. It means you could sit with your Client or Business Analyst to write down the features to be build on your application.

You can get more documentation at this link.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Looking for the web designer for your project ? - Use Haystack

Finding the right web designer for your project can be a big pain. It would be good to have a site that shows web designer availability across cities, and across price points. Well, Haystack (link) is one such service.
From the site:

Why Haystack?
If you're like most web designers, you have a great site but you're having a hard time getting qualified leads to visit your site. Haystack is here to help drive potential clients to your site. We promote Haystack to thousands of businesses, they find your work on Haystack, and then we direct them to your site so you can finish wowing them. Haystack helps them find you so you can do your magic.
Does it cost anything to hire a firm I found on Haystack?
No. Haystack isn't involved in any financial transactions between a firm and a client, and there's no fee to browse or hire anyone via Haystack. Transactions and negotiations are handled off Haystack. Haystack is just a place for clients to meet firms - after that everyone is on their own. Mobile Android App is a Flex / Flash based online application where you can upload your photos (either directly on the site, or from Adobe Photoshop Elements). Sometime back, a version of the site that was meant for use on mobile phones was first released on the iPhone, and now it has been released for the Android version. Read more about it at this link.

Perfect your pictures with the Mobile App on your Android phone. Simply drag your finger to crop, adjust color, apply effects—you name it.
- Crop, rotate, and color-correct with the touch of a finger.
- Add soft focus or change to black & white with a click.
- Go classic by adding a sepia tint.
- Intuitive Photo Browser for viewing local and online images.

junaio - A new mobile app on the iPhone AppStore

A new app available, both on the iPhone platform, as well as otherwise for normal users. What does junaio (link) promise ?

junaio is a mobile and online augmented reality platform that allows you to create, explore and share information in a completely new way. You will be able to see any kind of location-based content – images, websites or notes – on your personal junaio homepage and through the display of your mobile phone. junaio is bringing the Internet to the real world around you… Now!

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Humour: Responding to telemarketers

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My
arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . "

3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their
name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is
located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they
got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc.
Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as
long as necessary.

4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Judy and
I'm with XYZ Company. " You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask,
"What are you wearing?"

5. Cry out in surprise, "Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you
been?" Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries
to figure out where she could know you from.

6. Say "No" over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a
rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. This is most fun if you can do
it until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, "I don't have any friends, would you
be my friend?"

8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: "Can you get out blood? Can you get
out goat blood? How about human blood?"

9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you.
When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card
number to a complete stranger.

10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't
sell to employees.

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the
receiver down, scream, "Oh my God!" and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she
will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the
Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say,
"I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?" The Telemarketer
will agree and you say, "Me either!" Hang up.

13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.

14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them
on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food
loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.

15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on "home incarceration" and ask if they
could bring you some beer.

16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.

17. Tell the Telemarketer, "Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably
tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes."

18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. "Come
on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?"

19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . .
louder . . . louder . . .

20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.

Spiritual story: THE PERFECT MISTAKE

My Mother's father worked as a carpenter..

On this particular day, he was building some crates for the clothes
his church was sending to orphanages in China.

On his way home, he reached into his shirt pocket to find his
glasses, but they were gone. When he mentally replayed his earlier
actions, he realized what had happened; the glasses had slipped out
of his pocket unnoticed and fallen into one of the crates, which he
had nailed shut.

His brand new glasses were heading for China!

The Great Depression was at its height and Grandpa had six children.

He had spent $20 for those glasses that very morning.

He was upset by the thought of having to buy another pair. "It's not
fair," he told God as he drove home in frustration.

"I've been very faithful in giving of my time and money to your work,
and now this." Months later, the director of the orphanage was on
furlough in the United States.

He wanted to visit all the churches that supported him in China, so
he came to speak one Sunday at my grandfather's small church in

The missionary began by thanking the people for their faithfulness in
supporting the orphanage. "But most of all," he said,

"I must thank you for the glasses you sent last year. You see, the
Communists had just swept through the orphanage, destroying
everything, including my glasses. I was desperate. Even if I had the
money, there was simply no way of replacing those glasses.

Along with not being able to see well, I experienced headaches every
day, so my coworkers and I were much in prayer about this.

Then your crates arrived. When my staff removed the covers, they
found a pair of glasses lying on top.

The missionary paused long enough to let his words sink in.

Then, still gripped with the wonder of it all, he continued:

"Folks, when I tried on the glasses, it was as though they had been
custom made just for me!

I want to thank you for being a part of that."

The people listened, happy for the miraculous glasses.

But the missionary surely must have confused their church with
another, they thought. There were no glasses on their list of items
to be sent overseas.

But sitting quietly in the back, with tears streaming down his face,
an ordinary carpenter realized the Master Carpenter had used him in
an extraordinary way. There are times we want to blame God instead of
thanking him!

Joke: Good sense in keeping the mouth shut

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new Husband and asked for $20.00 for their first Lovemaking encounter. In His highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments. Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 Million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.

Joke: Ask a question to Charlie

Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.

Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.

The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.

The priest then asked him again, " Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."

The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."

Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"

Again, the reply was, " I can't hear you."

The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."

So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"

To which the priest replied, "By golly, you're right, you can't hear in here!"

Creating a Photo Mosaic

A photo mosaic can be a beautiful photo creation, with a composite photo being created from multiple photos, with the individual photos being used as tiles that together make the mosaic. You would need good tools to create these, and an example of a software that you can use for this purpose is called AndreaMosaic (link). From the site:

With AndreaMosaic you can create your own photographic mosaics made with your own pictures. A photo mosaic is an image composed of many tiled photos.
AndreaMosaic is a little program for to create mosaics made with photographs. To create such kind of mosaic you need a collection of images to use for the tiles of the mosaic and you also need an image to use for the original, as a matrix for the mosaics. Then you can set the parameters of the program for to create very different kind of mosaics.

Tutorials available on this page (link).


* Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are getting weak?

* Why do banks charge a fee on "insufficient funds" when they know there is not enough?

* Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the bottle?

* Why do they use sterilized needles for death by lethal injection?

* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

* Why does Superman stop bullets with his chest, but ducks when you throw a revolver at him?

* Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

* Whose idea was it to put an "S" in the word "lisp"?

* If people evolved from apes, why are there still apes?

* Why is it that no matter what color bubble bath you use the bubbles are always white?

* Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?

* Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will have materialized?

* Why do people keep running over a string a dozen times with their vacuum cleaner, then reach down, pick it up, examine it, then put it down to give the vacuum one more chance?

* Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end you first try?

* How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?

* When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart then apologizes for doing so, why do we say, "It's all right?" Well, it isn't all right so why don't we say, "That hurt, you stupid idiot!"?

* Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

* In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

* How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?

* If at first you don't succeed, shouldn't you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

* And obviously if at first you don't succeed, then don't take up sky diving!

And my FAVORITE......

* The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four persons is suffering from some sort of mental illness. Think of your three bestfriends, if they're okay, then it's you.

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Some Thoughts for the Day

My mind works like lightning. One brilliant flash and it is gone.

Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the bathroom.

It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

A Husband Is Someone Who Takes Out The Trash And Gives The Impression He Just Cleaned The Whole House.

If we are what we eat, then I'm easy, fast, and cheap.

My next house will have no kitchen --- just vending machines.

The only thing wrong with a perfect drive to work is that you end up at work.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Sally told her friend, "I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off, so I was relieved when he told me all I needed was blinker fluid."

A government worker is like a shotgun with a broken firing pin -- It won't work and you can't fire it.

Humour: What a men expects, and what he gets


~ She will always be beautiful and cheerful.
~ She could marry a movie star, but wants only you.
~ She will have hair that never needs curlers or beauty shops.
~ Her beauty won't run in a rainstorm.
~ She will never be sick--just allergic to jewelry and fur coats.
~ She will insist that moving the furniture by
herself, it's good for her figure.
~ She will be an expert in cooking, cleaning
house, fixing the car or TV, painting the house, and keeping quiet.
~ Her favorite hobbies will be mowing the lawn and putting out the bins.
~ She will hate charge cards.
~ Her favorite expression will be,"What can I do for you, honey?"
~ She will think you have Einstein's brain but look like Mr. Universe.
~ She will wish you would go out with the boys so
that she could get some sewing done.
~ She will love you because you're so sexy.


~ She speaks 140 words a minute, with gusts up to 180.
~ She was once a model for a totem pole.
~ Where there's smoke, there she is -- cooking.
~ She's a light eater...once it gets light, she starts eating.
~ She lets you know you only have two faults:
everything you do, and everything you say.
~ No matter what she does with it, her hair looks
like an explosion in a steel wool factory.
~ If you get lost, open your wallet and she'll find you

Humour: What school notes actually mean

1. Your son has a remarkable ability in gathering needed information from his classmates.
Really means: He was caught cheating on a test.

2. Karen is an endless fund of energy and vitability.
Really means: The hyperactive monster can't stay seated for five minutes.

3. Fantastic imagination! Unmatched in his capacity for blending fact with fiction.
Really means: He's definitely one of the biggest liars I have ever met.

4. Margie exhibits a casual, relaxed attitude to school, indicating that high expectations don't intimidate her.
Really means: The lazy thing hasn't done one assignment all term.

5. Her athletic ability is marvelous. Superior hand-eye coordination.
Really means: The little creep stung me with a rubber band from 15 feet away.

6. Nick thrives on interaction with his peers.
Really means: Your son needs to stop socializing and start working.

7. Your daughter's greatest asset is her demonstrative public discussions.
Really means: Classroom lawyer! Why is it that every time I explain an assignment she creates a class argument.

8. John enjoys the thrill of engaging challenges with his peers.
Really means: He's a bully.

9. An adventurous nature lover who rarely misses opportunities to explore new territory.
Really means: Your daughter was caught skipping school at the fishing pond.

10. I am amazed at her tenacity in retaining her youthful personality.
Really means: She's so immature that we've run out of diapers.

11. Unlike some students who hide their emotion, Charles is very expressive and open.
Really means: He must have written the Whiner's Guide.

12. I firmly believe that her intellectual and emotional progress would be enhanced through a year's repetition of her learning environment.
Really means: Regretfully, we believe that she is not ready for high school and must repeat the 8th grade.

13. Her exuberant verbosity is awesome.
Really means: A mouth that never stops yacking.

Joke: One really hard question

The admissions interviewer at the school said, "I shall ask you either ten
easy questions or just one really difficult question. Think well before you
make up your mind!"

The boy thought for a while and said, "My choice is one really difficult

"Well, good luck to you. You have made your own choice! Now tell me this:
What comes first, day or night?"

The boy was jolted into reality as his admission depended on the correctness
of his answer, but he thought for a while and said, "It's the day, sir!"

"How did you determine that?" the interviewer asked.

"Sorry, sir. You promised me that you would ask me only one difficult

Humour: Halloween Humor

Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist?

- To improve his bite.

What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman?

- Frostbite.

Why do witches use brooms to fly on?

- Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy.

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?

- With scare spray.

Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?

- No, they eat the fingers separately.

Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town?

- Because they don't have anybody to go out with.

What is a vampire's favorite sport?

- Casketball.

What would a monster's psychiatrist be called?

- Shrinkenstein.

What do you call someone who puts poison in a person's corn flakes?

- A cereal killer.

What kind of streets do zombies like the best?

- Dead ends.

What type of dog do vampire's like the best?

- Bloodhounds.

What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?

- A stake sandwich.

What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument?

- A trombone.

What do birds give out on Halloween night?

- Tweets.

Why do vampires need mouthwash?

- They have bat breath.

Why did the Vampire subscribe to the Wall Street Journal?

- He heard it had great circulation.

Why don't mummies go on vacation?

- They are afraid that they might relax and unwind

Spiritual story: Finding your own Guardian Angel

There was this little girl sitting by herself in the park. Everyone passed
by her and never stopped to see why she looked so sad.

Dressed in a worn pink dress, barefoot and dirty, the girl just sat and
watched the people go by. She never tried to speak. She never said a word.
Many people passed by her, but no one would stop.

The next day I decided to go back to the park in curiosity to see If the
little girl would still be there.

Yes, she was there, right in the very spot where she was yesterday, and
still with the same sad look in her eyes. Today I was to make my own move
and walk over to the little girl. For as we all know, a park full of
strange people is not a place for young children to play alone.

As I got closer I could see the back of the little girl's dress. It was
grotesquely shaped. I figured that was the reason people just passed by and
made no effort to speak to her. Deformities are a low blow to our society
and, heaven forbid if you make a step toward assisting someone who is

As I got closer, the little girl lowered her eyes slightly to avoid my
intent stare. As I approached her, I could see the shape of her back more
clearly. She was grotesquely shaped in a humped over form.

I smiled to let her know it was okay - I was there to help, to talk. I sat
down beside her and opened with a simple, "Hello."

The little girl acted shocked, and stammered a, "Hi," after a long stare
into my eyes.

I smiled and she shyly smiled back. We talked until darkness fell and the
park was completely empty. I asked the girl why she was so sad.

The little girl looked at me with a sad face said, "Because, I'm different."

I immediately said, "That you are!" and smiled.

The little girl acted even sadder and said, "I know."

"Little girl," I said, "you remind me of an angel - sweet and innocent."

She looked at me and smiled, then slowly she got to her feet and said,

"Yes, you're like a little Guardian Angel sent to watch over all the people
walking by."

She nodded her head yes, and smiled.

With that she opened the back of her pink dress and allowed her wings to
spread, then she said, "I am. I'm your Guardian Angel," with a twinkle in
her eye.

I was speechless -- sure I was seeing things.

She said, "For once you thought of someone other than yourself. My job here
is done."

I got to my feet and said, "Wait, why did no one stop to help an angel?"

She looked at me, smiled, and said, "You're the only one that could see me,"
and then she was gone. And with that, my life was changed dramatically.

So, when you think you're all you have, remember, your angel is always
watching over you.

Joke: Priests playing golf

Taking advantage of a balmy day in New York , my brother and three other
priests swapped their clerical garb for polos and khakis and time out on the
golf course.

After several really horrible shots, their caddy asked, "You guys wouldn't
be priests by any chance?"

"Actually, yes, we are," one cleric replied. "Why?"

"Because," said the caddy, "I've never seen such bad golf and such clean

Joke: Would not stop listening to me

I'd offered to drive my mother-in-law to the doctor's. But when I arrived at
her house, I found her gossiping away with a neighbor.

"Mom, we've got to go," I interjected, but she couldn't hear me over the

Finally, I had to take her by the arm and lead her away.

When we got in the car, she apologized. "Sorry, but I didn't know what to
do. That woman wouldn't stop listening to me."

Thursday, October 29, 2009

MiniBuilder - Flash-based IDE for ActionScript development

A web based tool for Action Script development, available on

Available at this site (link)

From this site:

Flash MiniBuilder is a lightweight IDE created for developing programs written in ActionScript 3.
Flash MiniBuilder is itself written in ActionScript
Two of the main raison d'etre of MiniBuilder are
1. provide a completely free and cross platform alternative for developing ActionScript projects.
2. provide an editor with a small footprint that would eventually run on smaller computers like netbooks or even pocket-size devices.
Extending, changing (and even integrating MiniBuilder with other software) is easy: MiniBuilder is itself written in your favourite language, AS3

Monday, October 26, 2009

Humour: Quote about men and handsome men

The nice men are ugly.

The handsome men are not nice.

The handsome and nice men are gay.

The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.

The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.

The handsome men without money are after our money.

The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.

The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.

The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!

The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative.

And yet, WOMEN are the CONFUSING sex???

Joke: We have a prettier mistress

Doctor Goldstein and his wife are having dinner at an upscale restaurant when an attractive young blonde walks by, smiles at the Doctor and says, "Hi Sammy."

The wife, somewhat irritated, asks, "And who is that?"

Dr. says, "Oh, that's my Mistress."

Wife asks, "You have a Mistress? How long has this been going on?"

Dr.: "About five years."

Wife: "Five years? I'll see a lawyer tomorrow and start a divorce. You'll be ruined."

Dr.: "Now think about it, if we divorce we each get half of what we have. You won't have that big house, you won't get a new Cadillac every year and you won't be playing golf and bridge all day with your so called friends."

Just then a cute redhead walks by and says, "Hi Sammy."

Wife: "And who is that one?"

Dr.: "That's Bill Grant's Mistress."

Wife: "Doctor Grant has a Mistress, too?"

Dr.: "About twelve years now."

Wife: "Ours is a lot prettier...."

Humour: Quotes dealing with common problems

When one wishes to unlock a door but has only one hand free, the keys are in the opposite pocket. (Von Fumbles Law)

A door will snap shut only when you have left the keys inside. (Yale Law of Destiny)

When one's hands are covered with oil, grease, or glue, your nose will start to itch. (Law of Ichiban)

Your insurance will cover everything but what has happened. (Insurance So Sorry Law)

When things seem to be going well, you've probably forgotten to do something. (Cheney's Second Corollary)

When things seem easy to do, it's because you haven't followed all the instructions. (Destiny Awaits Law)

If you keep your cool when everyone else is losing his, it's probably because you have not realized the seriousness of the problem. (Law of Gravitas)

Most problems are not created or solved; they only change appearances. (Einstein's Law of Persistence)

You will run to answer the telephone just as the party hangs up on you. (Principle of Dingaling)

Whenever you connect with the Internet, the call you've been waiting for all day will arrive. (Principle of Bellsouth)

If there are only two programs on TV that are worth your time, they will always be at the same time. (Law of Wasteland)

The cost is always higher than one budgets for, and it is exactly 3.14 times higher, hence the importance of pi. (Law of Pi Eyed)

The probability that one will spill food on one's clothes is directly proportional to the need to be clean. (Law of Campbell Scoop)

Each and every body submerged in a bathtub will cause the phone to ring. (Law of Yes Now)

Each and every body sitting on a commode will cause the doorbell to ring. (Law of Ding Dong)

Wind velocity will increase proportionally to the cost of one's hairdo. (The Don King Principle)

After discarding something not used for years, you will need it one week later. (Law of Fatal Irreversibility)

Arriving early for an appointment will cause the receptionist to be absent, and if one arrives late, everyone else has arrived before you. (Law of Delay)

Do not take life too seriously, because in the end, you won't come out alive anyway. (Theory of Absolute Certainty)

After your hands become coated with grease your nose will begin to itch or you'll have to pee. (Law of Mechanical Repair)

Any tool, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. (Law of the Workshop)

The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act. (Law of Probability)

When you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal. (Law of the Telephone)

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. (Law of the Alibi)

If you change lanes (traffic lanes), the one you were in will start to move faster than the one you are in now (works every time). (Variation Law)

The probability of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with. (Law of Close Encounters)

When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, it will. (Law of the Result)

The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach. (Law of Biomechanics)

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle arrive last. (Theatre Rule)

As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do
something which will last until the coffee is cold. (Law of Coffee)

If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. (Murphy's Law of Lockers)

The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet/rug. (Law of Dirty Rugs/Carpets)

No matter where you go, there you are. (Law of Location)

Anything is possible if you don't know what you are talking about. (Law of Logical Argument)

If the shoe fits, it's really ugly. (Brown's Law)

A closed mouth gathers no feet. (Oliver's Law)

As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it. (Wilson's Law)

Joke: Professional Help, sent by god

A woman was at work when she received a phone call that her daughter was very sick with a fever.

She left her work and stopped by the pharmacy to get some medication. She got back to her car and found that she had locked her keys in the car.

She didn't know what to do, so she called home and told the baby sitter what had happened.

The baby sitter told her that the fever was getting worse. She said, "You might find a coat hanger and use that to open the door."

The woman looked around and found an old rusty coat hanger that had been left on the ground, possibly by someone else who at some time had locked their keys in their car. She looked at the hanger and said, "I don't know how to use this."

She bowed her head and asked God to send her help.

Within five minutes a beat up old motorcycle pulled up, with a dirty, greasy, bearded man who was wearing an old biker skull rag on his head.

The woman thought, "This is what you sent to help me?" But, she was desperate, so she was also very thankful.

The man got off of his cycle and asked if he could help.

She said, "Yes, my daughter is very sick. I stopped to get her some medication and I locked my keys in my car. I must get home to her. Please, can you use this hanger to unlock my car?"

He said, "Sure." He walked over to the car, and in less than a minute the car was opened.

She hugged the man and through her tears she said, "Thank You So Much! You are a very nice man."

The man replied, "Lady, I am not a nice man. I just got out of prison today. I was in prison for car theft and have only been out for about an hour."

The woman hugged the man again and with sobbing tears cried out loud, "Oh, Thank you God! You even sent me a Professional."

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Humour: Some Texas wisdom (some great quotes)

1. Never slap a man who's chewin' tobacco.

2. Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

3. Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier 'n puttin' it back in.

4. If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

5. If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.

6. Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

7. There's two theories to arguin' with a woman. Neither one works.

8. If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin'.

9. Don't squat with your spurs on.

10. It don't take a genius to spot a goat in a flock of sheep.

11. Always drink upstream from the herd.

12. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

13. There are three kinds of people:
The ones that learn by reading,
The few who learn by observation,
and the rest of them who have to touch the fire to see for themselves if it's really hot.

Joke: The high and mighty businessman and the head nurse

A big-shot businessman had to spend a few days in the hospital. He was a
royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did with
his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She came into his
room and announced, "I have to take your temperature." After complaining for
several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his

"No, I'm sorry," the nurse stated, "But for this reading, I cannot use an
oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and
bared his rear end. After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard
her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAT until I
get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his
breath as he hears people walking past his door laughing. After almost an
hour, the man's doctor comes into the room. "What's going on here?" asked
the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen
someone having their temperature taken?"

After a pause, the doctor confesses, "Well, no. I guess I haven't... Not
with a carnation anyway."

Humour: Some handy tips (don't try them at home)

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment always
circle the stain in permanent pen so that when you remove the
garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area
of the stain and check that it has gone.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for
a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes. Conceal the fact that you have taken
performance enhancing drugs by simply running a little slower and
letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of
your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have
enough to insulate your attic.

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping
your chin in a bowl of iron fillings.

X File fans: Create the effect of being abducted be aliens by
drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a
strange place the following morning, having had your memory
mysteriously 'erased'.

A sheet of sandpaper makes a cheap and effective substitute for
costly maps when visiting the Sahara desert.

Convince neighbors that you have invented a 'SHRINKING' device by
ruffling your hair, wearing a white laboratory coats and parking
an articulated lorry outside your house for a few days. Then dim and
flicker the lights in your house during the night and replace the
articulated lorryunseen, with a Tonka toy of the same description. Watch
their faces in the morning!

Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of
your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things
like dodgem cars anyway, so it may as well look like one.

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your microwave. If the
chocolate melts you will know that the microwaves are escaping
and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent
you from hitting the snooze button, rolling over and going back
to sleep.

Joke: Wifey, what did you say ?

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept
staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby

My wife asked, "Do you know her?"

"Yes," I sighed, "She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been
sober since."

"My Goodness!" said my wife, "who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

Humour: Men's English (this is so true)

I'm hungry. = I'm hungry.

I'm sleepy. = I'm sleepy.

I'm tired. = I'm tired.

Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd eventually like to have sex with

Can I call you sometime? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you.

Nice dress! = Nice tits!

You look tense, let me give you a massage. = I want to fondle you.

What's wrong? = I don't see why you are making such a big deal out of this.

What's wrong? = What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?

What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question.

I'm bored. = Do you want to have sex?

I love you. = Let's have sex now.

I love you, too. = Okay, I said it...we'd better have sex now!

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = I liked it better before.

Yes, I like the way you cut your hair. = £50 and it doesn't look that much different!

Let's talk. = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me.

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.

(while shopping) I like that one better. = Pick any freakin' dress and let's go home!

I don't think that blouse and that skirt go well together. = I am gay

Humour: Women's English (Enjoy these quotes)

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure... go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute. = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and rock him until he
goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

The answer to What's wrong?:

The same old thing = Nothing

Nothing = Everything

Everything = My PMS is acting up

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an asshole

Joke: Playing music the whole day

There was a young Scottish lad named Angus who decided to try life in
Australia . He found an apartment and settled in. After a week or two, his
mother called from Scotland to see how her son was doing in his new life.

"I'm fine," Angus said, "but there are some really strange people living
here in Australia . One woman cries all day long, another lies on the floor
moaning. And there is a guy next door to me who bangs his head on the wall
all the time."

"Well, me wee laddie," says his mother, "I suggest you don't associate with
people like that."

"Oh," says Angus, "I don't, Ma'am, I don't. No, I just stay inside me
apartment all day and night playing me bagpipes."

Humour: The Modern Toolbox

In ancient times a hammer was used to inflict pain on ones
enemies. Modern hammers are used to inflict pain on oneself.

The drink ordered at the local bar after you call in a
professional repairman to undo the $500 in damage you did
while trying to change out a light socket with your handy screwdriver.

Phillips Screwdriver
The bar drink that you order when the damage estimate is over
$1,000. Contains twice the vodka.

A device used to extend your reach the necessary
few inches when you drop a one-of-a-kind screw down behind
the new wall it took you two weeks to install.

Contain a handy assortment of sharp and dangerous tools.
Best left in its leather sheath and worn on a
homeowners belt to increase testosterone levels.

Electronic Stud Finder
An annoying device that never goes off when you point it at yourself.

Halogen Light
A worklight that lights up your backyard with the incandescence of
a football stadium, causing you to cast a heavy shadow over the
area you're working on so that you need to use a flashlight anyway.

Cordless Drill
A device that lessens your chance of electrocution 90% over a
standard plug-in tool.

Cordless Telephone
The handyman's 999.

Air Compressor
A mechanical device similar in principal to harnessing the power of
your mother-in-laws nagging complaints and using the resulting
airflow to blast old paint off the side of the house.

Chain saw
Allows you to cut your way out of the shed that you accidentally
built completely around yourself.

Vise Grips
A pair of helping hands that doesn't critique
the job you're doing or offer advice.

Humour: Some Facts About Men

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during the
play-off season of any sport.

All men look nerdy in black socks and sandals/tennis shoes

Men who are going bald often wear baseball caps.

Men are brave enough to go to war, but they are not brave enough to
get a bikini wax.

Men don't get cellulite. Most women believe for that reason alone, God
might just be a male.

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because
their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually
button and zip in the back. Women may need men emotionally and
sexually, but they also need men to help them get dressed easier and

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she
will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries something from his
closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

Joke: Flirting and falling flat

Teeing off on the 12th hole at a golf resort, we stopped to buy cold drinks
from the young woman driving the beverage cart.

As my buddy reached for his wallet, he flirted with her a bit, saying to
her, "You're in great shape. You must work out a lot."

Flattered, she gave him a big smile and gushed, "Oh, thank you so much!"

The next day a different young woman was driving the cart.

"Watch this," I whispered to a different buddy. I walked up to her and said,
"Wow, you must work out a lot."

"Yeah," she replied, dryly. "You should try it yourself."

Short joke: Age of dinosaur bones

ome tourists in the Chicago Museum of Natural History are marveling at the
dinosaur bones. One of them asks the guard, "Can you tell me how old the
dinosaur bones are?"

The guard replies, "They are 3 million, four years, and six months old."

"That's an awfully exact number," says the tourist. "How do you know their
age so precisely?"

The guard answers, "Well, the dinosaur bones were three million years old
when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago."

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Activity Monitor on Snow Leopard

For Snow Leopard (a Mac OS) users, it used to be difficult to find out exactly why some applications would start to slow down their machines. After all, when a user has a high end machine, the user would expect that any program should be able to run on their machine without causing the machine to slow down. Unfortunately, for long time users, they know that such a thing is not possible, there is no such thing as too much memory. Well, for people wanting to know what is causing their machine to behave slowly, here is this application called Activity Monitor (read more about it here).
Read more:

Before, you'd just see that Safari was nailing your CPU. Now there's a more specific breakdown, which shows the true culprit. Plug-in sandboxing is good thing. It is especially helpful when a plug-in is not responding and you want to quit it without killing your browser session

World stock indexes all on one page

For people who invest in equities, stocks, and currencies on a global scale, there is an urgent need to have a page or software that is able to display the indices of many stock exchanges the world over. Some of these are the Down Jones, NASDAQ, French CAC, German DAX, UK FTSE, Nikkei 225, and many others.
Well, there is an easy and free way to get these. Just head over to this page (link) and you will get all of these (plus currency rates, more exchanges, and so on).

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

Tool: Doing screenshots of web pages

How often have you found yourselves wanting to get a screenshot of some web page. You are writing a report, or doing some documentation, and want to get a screen shot of some web page. What can you use ? There are tools available, but many of them need to be purchased, and others put some watermark on the images. Well, here is a tool that can do the work (link to site).
From the site:

WebKut is an AIR application that allows you to capture web pages, or parts of them in a very simple way. It provides you 3 capture options: the entire page, the current view, or only a selection.
On Microsoft Windows, PDF document and some Flash animations in web pages will be replaced by blank spaces.
The maximum dimension for an image is 2880 pixels

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Joke: Government and its jobs

Once upon a time, the government had a huge scrap pile of in the middle of
the desert. Congress decided that someone may steal from it in the middle of
the night, so they created a nightwatchman position and hired a person for
the job.

Then Congress asked, "How does the nightwatchman do his job without

So they created a planning department and hired two people - one person to
write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress wondered, "How will we know the nightwatchman is doing the
tasks correctly?"

So they created a quality control department and hired two people - one to
do the studies and one to write the report.

Then Congress asked, "How are these people going to be paid?"

So they hired two more people - a timekeeper and a payroll officer.

Congress the inquired, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?"

So they created an administrative section and hired three people - an
administrative officer, an administrative assistant, and a legal secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and
we are $518,000 over budget. We must cut back overall cost."

So they laid off the nightwatchman...

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Java Tool: IntelliJ IDEA - Now open source

Java has many editors, both free and commercial. One of the best such tools is IntelliJ IDEA, and it is now Free as well as Open Source, with users no longer having to pay for it (learn more). From the site:

Community Edition — Free and OS Java IDE
Intelligent code editor has all the smarts for understanding Java code; provides refactorings, code inspections and intentions, super-fast navigation and search — all that we have accumulated over the years.
Integrates with such essential tools as JUnit and TestNG, Ant and Maven, and popular version control systems: CVS, Subversion and git.

Friday, October 16, 2009

Humour: Women's revenge

1. What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.

2. What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath
and calling your name? You didn't hold the pillow down long

3. Why do only 10% of men make it to heaven? Because if they all
went, it would be Hell.

4. Why do men like smart women? Opposites attract.

5. How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get
started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't

6. How do men define a "50/50" relationship? We cook-they eat; we
clean-they dirty; we iron-they wrinkle.

7. How do men exercise on the beach? By sucking in their stomachs
every time they see a bikini.

8. How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear

9. How does a man show he's planning for the future? He buys two
cases of beer instead of one.

10. How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? ONE He
just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around

11. What did God say after creating man? I can do so much better.

12. What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you
his real name.

13. What's the best way to force a man to do sit ups? Put the
remote control between his toes.

14. What's the smartest thing a man can say? "My wife says..."

15. Why are all dumb blonde jokes one liners? So men can
understand them.

16. Why do female black widow spiders kill the males after
mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.

17. Why do jocks play on artificial turf? To keep them from

18. Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

19. Why is psychoanalysis a lot quicker for men than for women?
When it's time to go back to his childhood, he's already there