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Thursday, October 20, 2011

Comebacks for the question: "Why aren't you married"

11. Because I don't like having a 50% chance of some day losing everything that is important to me.

10. You haven't asked yet.

9. What? And spoil my great sex life?

8. Just lucky, I guess.

7. I'm waiting until I get to be your age.

6. I wouldn't want my parents to drop dead from sheer happiness.

5. I guess it just goes to prove that you can't trust those voodoo doll rituals.

4. What? And lose all the money I've invested in running personal ads?

3. We really want to, but my lover's husband just won't go for it.

2. I don't want to have to support another person on my paycheck.

1. Why aren't you thin?

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Extracts from actual letters sent to various councils and housing associations throughout the UK

1. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

2. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

3. .. and their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

4. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off.

5. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand.

6. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

7. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant. We are getting married in September and we would like it in the garden before we move into the house.

8. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

9. ..50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and the rest are plain filthy.

10. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

11. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

12. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

13. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

14. Would you please send a man to repair my spout. I am an old age pensioner and need it badly.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road; every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and its now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man I have on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of the works down on the floor six times but I still have no Satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broken and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. ... and he's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just cant take it anymore.

24. ... that is his excuse for dogs mess that I find hard to swallow

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Humour: Do-It-Yourself Tips (don't actually try them at home)

* Leak stain on ceiling.
Cut a piece of plywood into a square. Nail it over the stain. Put a handle on it. Tell everyone it's the door to your attic. (Not recommended for basement apartments).

* Ant invasion.
In a four-litre pail mix together two litres of water, 500 grams of abrasive cleanser and two tablespoons of dish detergent. Find the spot where the ants are getting into the house, pick them up one-by-one and drown them in your pail. Or simply squoosh them with your shoes and use
the mixture to clean up the mess.

* Crayon marks on wall.
Grasp in right hand one paint scraper about 30cm long. With left hand, grab rotten offspring who made the marks and threaten to apply scraper to his video game collection if this happens again. Break all his crayons.

* Doggie-doo on lawn.
Carefully measure one litre of unleaded gasoline into metal container. Place container under coat and follow offending dog and owner home. Burn down their house.

* Crabgrass.
In one corner of your lawn, assemble your mower, rake, shovel and weed killer. Using right index finger, dial any asphalt company. Have them come over and pave your lawn -- mower, rake, shovel and weed killer included.

* Cigarette burn on rug.
Cut one lemon in half. Squeeze juice into large glass of gin mixed 50-50 with tonic. Add ice. Drink enough glasses of this solution until burn becomes blurry. Move couch over mark.

* Dirty paint brushes.
Soak brushes in pail of paint remover. Read paint remover directions carefully. Notice they say solvent should not be inhaled. Move brushes and can to airy place -- like the backyard. Notice that solvent can kill grass. Move can and brushes up off lawn onto suitable surface like, say,
barbecue. Now notice that solvent is highly flammable ...

* Annoying drips.
Don't invite them over anymore.

Monday, October 17, 2011

Joke: enjoying a company outing

Patrick was spotted driving along the highway at a steady speed, when he suddenly indicated right and pulled off onto the shoulder. He quickly jumped out of the car and opened the trunk. From a large bag, he produced a party hat, streamers, a bottle of lemonade, sandwiches and a

After eating the food and drinking the lemonade, he launched into a little Irish jig. The whole proceedings lasted about fifteen minutes, after which he got back in his car and drove off.

Curious, the police followed him at a distance and half an hour later, they saw him stop and repeat the whole procedure. This was too much for the officers, so they decided to check him out.

"Can we ask you the reason for all the stops and the food, drink and Irish jigs?" one of the officers asked.

"Well, sir," explained Patrick, "I'm on the company's outing."

"But you're the only one here," argued the officer.

"Yes, I know," replied Patrick. "I'm self-employed!"

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Humour: Extracts from allegedly genuine GCSE exam answers which are doing the rounds on the internet

1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all
wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah desert and
travelled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such
that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

2. The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the
first book of the Bible, Guinnesses, Adam and Eve were
created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain,
asked "Am I my brother's son?"

3. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they
made unleavened bread which is bread made without ingredients.
Moses went up on mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments.
He died before he reached Canada.

4. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred

5. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without
them we wouldn't have history .The Greeks also had myths.
A myth is a female moth.

6. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another
man of that name.

7. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around
giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died
from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career
took a dramatic decline.

8. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled
the biscuits, and threw the java.

9. Eventually, the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls
people Romans because they never stayed in one place for
very long.

10.Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of
Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought
he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out
"Tee hee, Brutus."

11.Nero was a cruel tyranny who would torture his subjects
by playing the fiddle to them.

12.Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonised by
Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man
should be hanged twice for the same offence.

13.In midevil times most people were alliterate. The greatest
writer of the futile ages was Chaucer, who wrote many poems
and verses and also wrote literature.

14.Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through
an apple while standing on his son's head.

15.Queen Elizabeth was the "Virgin Queen". As a Queen she
was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops
they all shouted "hurrah".

16.It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg
invented removable type and the Bible. Another important
invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh
is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and
started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the
world with a 100 foot clipper.

17.The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William
Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly
on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous
only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies,
and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and
Juliet are an example of a heroic couplet. Romeo's last
wish was to be laid by Juliet.

18.Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miquel Cervantes.
He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton.
Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote
Paradise Regained.

19.During the Renaissance America began. Christopher Columbus
was a great navigator who discovered America while cursing
about the Atlantic. His ships were called the N1na, the
Pinta, and the Santa Fe.

20.Later, the pilgrims crossed the ocean, and this was called
Pilgrim's Progress. The winter of 1620 was a hard one for
the settlers. Many people died and many babies were born.
Captain John Smith was responsible for all this.

21.One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English
put tacks in their tea. Also, the colonists would send their
parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists
won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates
from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress.
Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were
two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin
discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and
declared, "A horse divided against itself cannot stand"
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

22.Soon the Constitution of the United States was adopted to
secure domestic hostility. Under the constitution the people
enjoyed the right to keep bare arms.

23.Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the
Emasculation Proclamation.

24.Meanwhile in Europe, the enlightenment was a reasonable time.
Voltaire invented electricity and also wrote a book called Candy.

25.Gravity was invented by Isaac Walton. It is chiefly noticeable
in the autumn when the apples are falling off the trees.

26.Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had
a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old
spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died in 1750 to
the present. Bach was the most famous composer and so was
Handel. Handel was half German half Italian and half English.
He was very large.

27.Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so
deaf he wrote loud music. He took very long walks in the
forest even though everyone was calling for him. Beethoven
expired in 1827 and later died for this.

28.The French Revolution was accomplished before it had happened
and catapulted into Napoleon. Napoleon wanted an heir to
inherit his power, but since Josephine was a Baroness, she
couldn't have any children.

29.The sun never set on the British Empire because the British
Empire is in the East and the sun sets in the West.

30.Queen Victoria was the longest queen. She sat on the thorn
for 63 years. She was a moral woman who practiced virtue.
Her death was the final event of her reign.

31.The nineteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts
and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and
started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat
caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick
invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.

32.Lois Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was
a naturalist who wrote the Organ of the Species. Madman Curie
discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx brothers.

33.The First World War, caused by the assignation of the
Arch-Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals
of human history.

Saturday, October 15, 2011

Adult Joke: Price difference between real babies and toys

Two little girls, pushing their doll buggies in the park, meet for the first time. Examining the other's doll buggy and baby, each exclaimed, "Oh what a pretty baby and baby buggy you have. Where did you get your baby and what did it cost?"

"My Mommy got mine at a sale at a Super K Mart store for $32.95"

"Oh that's great! She's so pretty."

"Well thank you. And where did you get your baby? She's such a beautiful little doll."

"Mommy got mine at Wal Mart for $32.04, the last one they had."

"Well she is certainly beautiful. You must be very proud of her."

Just then a real mommy came by with her firstborn. Naturally the oo's and aa's started ending with the same question, 'where did you get your baby and how much did he cost?'

"Well, I got my baby at the Sutter Maternity Hospital and it cost about $5,000.""

The two little girls were stunned. The group broke up, the real mommy walked on. Finally one of the little girls turned to the other and said, "You know, I don't know what you think about that deal, but if you ask me, she REALLY got SCREWED!

Friday, October 14, 2011

Humour: You Know You're Addicted to Gardening When...

Your neighbors recognize you in your pajamas, rubber clogs and a cup of coffee.
You grab other people's banana peels, coffee grinds, apple cores, etc. for your compost pile.
You have to wash your hair to get your fingernails clean.
All your neighbors come and ask you questions.
You know the temperature of your compost every day.
You buy a bigger truck so that you can haul more mulch.
You enjoy crushing Japanese beetles because you like the sound that it makes.
Your boss makes "taking care of the office plants" an official part of your job description.
Everything you touch turns to "fertilizer".
Your non-gardening spouse becomes conversant in botanical names
You find yourself feeling leaves, flowers and trunks of trees wherever you go, even at funerals
You dumpster-dive for discarded bulbs after commercial landscapers remove them to plant annuals.
You plan vacation trips around the locations of botanical gardens, arboreta, historic gardens, etc.
You sneak home a 7 foot Japanese Maple and wonder if your spouse will notice.
When considering your budget, plants are more important than groceries
You always carry a shovel, bottled water and a plastic bag in your trunk as emergency tools.
You appreciate your Master Gardener badge more than your jewelry
You talk "dirt" at baseball practice.
You spend more time chopping your kitchen greens for the compost pile than for cooking.
You like the smell of horse manure better than Estee Lauder.
You rejoice in rain...even after 10 straight days of it.
You have pride in how bad your hands look.
You have a decorative compost container on your kitchen counter.
You can give away plants easily, but compost is another thing.
Soil test results actually mean something.
You'd rather go to a nursery to shop than a clothes store.
You know that Sevin is not a number
You take every single person who enters your house on a "garden tour"
You look at your child's sandbox and see a raised bed.
You ask for tools for Christmas, Mother/Father's day, your Birthday and any other occasion you can think of.
You can't bear to thin seedlings and throw them away.
You scold total strangers who don't take care of their potted plants.
You know how many bags of fertilizer/potting soil,/mulch your car will hold.
You drive around the neighborhood hoping to score extra bags of leaves for your compost pile
Your preferred reading matter is seed catalogs

And last but not least:
You know that the four seasons are:
Planning the Garden
Preparing the Garden
Preparing and Planning for the next Garden

Thursday, October 13, 2011

Responses to "Do I look fat" question ?

"Not to Stevie Wonder."

"Big time! That's why I'm sleeping with your best friend."

"No way! You look *least* fat in that outfit!"

"I guess there's not much point in asking if you mean fat with an 'f' or phat with a 'ph.'"

"No hablo ingles."

"Yes, but it also makes you look like a pricey hooker, so things balance out."

"No, but taking it *off* sure does."

"Okay, listen: What's important is that you not focus in a negative way on the comparison I am about to make."

"Not if you were travelling at the speed of light."

"Yes, but in my country obesity suggests prosperity."

"Let me jog around to your front and take a look."

"Whoa! A talking couch!!"

"May I consult the Iraqi Minister of Information before answering that?"

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

Joke: Jesus and 3 people with problems

An Australian, and Irishman and a Scouser were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar. The three men kept looking at this other man, for he seemed terribly familiar.

They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when suddenly the Irishman cried out: "My God! I know who that man is - it's Jesus!"

The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table.

The Irishman calls out across the lounge : "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?" Jesus looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus," he says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him: "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me."

The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness. Jesus looks over, raises his glass in thanks and drinks.

Then the Australian calls out : "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a pot of Fosters for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure.

The Scouser then calls out : "Oi whack, would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says : "Yes, I am Jesus". The Scouser beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of bitter for Jesus, which the bartender duly does.

As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table.

Finally, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle !!!"

Jesus then shakes the Australian's hand, thanking him for the lager. Upon letting go, the Australian's eyes widen in shock: "By jingo mate,the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone - it's a miracle!!!"

Jesus then goes to approach the Scouser who says: "Back off, mate! I'm on disability!"