Funny: Some jokes

Men vs. Women

Names:

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

Paying The Bill:

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out comes the pocket calculators.

Money:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

Bathrooms:

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Arguments:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

The Future:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring:

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.