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Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Funny: Some jokes

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.

He turns to the people around him.

"Why are you all at this man's funeral?"

A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."

"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."

"No, we came to make sure he was dead."


The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed.

The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait. The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear," carefully spelling the key word.

Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t!"


Ways to Tell If You Have PMS

* Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

* You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.

* The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

* Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

* You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-###-####.

* Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

* Inanimate objects get on your nerves.

* You're counting down the days until menopause.

* You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

* The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

* You dump the pretzels out of the bag, and eat the salt. While simultaneously eating a gallon of ice cream.

* You cry at commercials one minute, and contemplate assault the next.

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