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Sunday, May 1, 2016

Funny: Some jokes

One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"

"What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided  this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful
animals, and that hilarious comedic snake, but I'm just not happy."

"Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above.

"Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples."

"Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you."

"What's a 'man,' Lord?"

"This man will be a flawed creature, with many bad traits. He'll lie, cheat, and be vainglorious; all in all, he'll give you a hard time. But, he'll be bigger, faster, and will like to hunt and kill things. He will provide you with
companionship and satisfy your desires. Yet, he'll be witless and will revel in childish things like fighting and kicking a ball about. He won't be too smart, so he'll also need your advice to think properly."

"Sounds great," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "What's the catch, Lord?"

"As I said, he'll be proud, arrogant, and self-admiring. . So you'll have to let him believe that I made him first. . So, just remember: it's our secret. Woman to Woman."


-----------------

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asks.

"Sweetheart," she sobs, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again, "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We'll get a new cat in the morning..."

Funny: Some jokes

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup.

As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said,

"Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said,

"Is that ruddy nun out there again?"


-----------------

Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat.

The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"

The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.

Saturday, April 30, 2016

Funny: Some jokes

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor! That's why I want the divorce." he replied.


--------------

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.

To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.

A year later the young man returned home.

"Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.

"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi.

"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian. What is happening to our sons?"

"Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds
opened and a mighty voice stated,

"Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel....."

Funny: Some jokes

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."


"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

--------------

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...  OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

--------------

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband.

It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

Friday, April 29, 2016

Funny: Some jokes

A film crew was on location in the desert. One day an old Native American Indian Chief went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained.

A week later, the chief went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This guy is incredible!" said the director. He told his secretary to hire him to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old chief didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,"
said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"


The chief shrugged. "Don't know. Radio broke."

-------------

St. Peter is standing at Heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to Heaven, my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to Heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to Heaven, my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into Paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to Heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent, my son. I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"

Funny: Some jokes

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him. 


-------------------

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.

Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive . . ."


---------------------

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

Thursday, April 28, 2016

Funny: Some jokes

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"


--------------

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something, Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN' S VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
instantaneously. ..
and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST' S VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.