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Friday, June 28, 2013

Adult humour: Condom found in a burger

In case you missed the article, someone found a condom in a MacDonald's hamburger a couple of years ago.

Here is David Letterman's top ten MacDonald's excuses for the condom in the Big Mac:

10. We were test marketing the new "McRibbed."

9. Condom, Condiment.....What's the damned difference.

8. It still tastes better than the Arch Deluxe.

7. It was either there, or in the vanilla shake.

6. Turns out the rumors about Grimace and Mayor McCheese are true.

5. We're experimenting with a new, even happier meal.

4. Employees too embarrassed to ask "Would you like a condom with that?"

3. So what? A regular Big Mac is 60% latex anyway.

2. Drive-thru speaker broken: "Coke with lots of ice" sounds like "Prophylactic device."

And the number one MacDonald's Excuse for the Condom in the Big Mac:

1. When you're serving billions and billions, you can't be too careful.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Adult joke: Dog is in heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?

Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."

"What's that mean?" asked the child.

"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."

Dad said, "Bring the Belle over here."

He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block."
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash. Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"

The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Joke: Drinking capabilities of an Irishman

An American walks into a crowded pub in Dublin, Ireland, clears his voice and loudly announces to the crowd of drinkers, "I hear you Irish are hard drinkers. I'll give $500 U.S. greenbacks to anyone in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes up the Yank's offer.

One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gent that left, returns and taps the Yank on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.
The Yank says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all down one after the other, back-to-back.

The pub patrons cheer as the Yank sits in amazement.
The gent gives the Irishman the $500 and says, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?".
The Irishman replies, "Oh...I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first".

Humor: A description of how America works

Let's see if I understand how America works lately . . .

If a woman burns her thighs on the hot coffee she was holding in her lap while driving, she blames the restaurant.

If your teen-age son kills himself, you blame the rock 'n' roll music or musician he liked.

If you smoke three packs a day for 40 years and die of lung cancer, your family blames the tobacco company.

If your daughter gets pregnant by the football captain you blame the school for poor sex education.

If your neighbour crashes into a tree while driving home drunk, you blame the bartender.

If your cousin gets AIDS because the needle he used to shoot up with heroin was dirty, you blame the government for not providing clean ones.

If your grandchildren are brats without manners, you blame television. 

If your friend is shot by a deranged madman, you blame the gun manufacturer.

And if a crazed person breaks into the cockpit and tries to kill the pilots at 35,000 feet, and the passengers kill him instead, the mother of the deceased blames the airline.

I must have lived too long to understand the world as it is anymore.
So if I die while my old, wrinkled butt is parked in front of this computer, I want you to blame Bill Gates, OK??

Monday, June 24, 2013

Excuses For Wearing Your Wife's Underwear

10. I must have put them on by mistake in the dark.
9. I didn't have any clean ones left
8. They make me feel closer to you.
7. I grew up getting my older sister's hand-me-downs.
6. Boxers don't come in pink.
5. There must have been a crease in the name, I thought it said Hanes for men.
4. It gives me greater empathy for the plight of women.
3. Men's underwear chafes my skin.
2. Sorry, I thought they were your mom's.
1. Does my butt look good in these?

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Joke: What is a blonde man

The Sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the
walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots, so he arrests him for indecent exposure.

As he is locking him up, he asks "Why in the world are you dressed like this?"

The Cowboy says: "Well it's like this Sheriff...
I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little red head asks me to go out to her motor home with her ... so I did.

We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my I did.

Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants I did.

Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts I did.

Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of sexy and says, "Now go to town cowboy... " And here I am.

See, Blonde Men do exist.

Saturday, June 22, 2013

Joke: Horrible clause to be in a relationship

Application for having a night out with the boys

Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:

Time of return

Date: Time of departure: NOT to exceed:

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to
another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my mobile after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no
valid reason whatsoever.

Amount of alcohol allowed (units) Beer Wine Liquor Total

Locations to be visited

Females with whom conversation is permitted

IMPORTANT - STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it's not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in
chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a Michael Bolton concert, should I not return home by the approved time.
On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with the said entity. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.

Signed - Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:


This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.

" .........................................

Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:

Date: Time of departure: Time of return:

Signed - Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife:


Joke: Knowing the person since he was so small

A wagon trail was heading west, and the wagon master send a scout
ahead to watch out for Indians. The man was gone for a few hours and
came back to report that he saw an Indian on a hill.

"How big was he? " the wagon master asked.

"About one inch", the scout replied as he show with his two fingers.

"Go out again and keep your eyes on him" ordered the wagon master,
and the scout complied.

A few hours later, he came back and reported that he saw the Indian

"How big was he?" the wagon master asked. By showing with his hand,
the scout said that he was bigger than the length from his fingertip
to the end of his wrist

"Keep and eye out for him and report back" said the wagon master

The scout came back after a few hours and reported that the Indian
was now as tall as his arm up to the elbow.

"Go out and shoot the SOB!" ordered the wagon master.

"I can't" replied the scout.

"Why not?' asked the wagon master

I've known him ever since when he was this big" the scout said,
showing the wagon master with his two fingers an inch apart as

Friday, June 21, 2013

Joke: Joke that makes you gash your teeth

There once was a sailor returning to his ship. Just as he approached
the edge of the dock, he slipped and fell into the water between
ship and dockside. As he hit the water, the ship began to swing
toward the harbour wall, and he would have been crushed to death
had not a little man, with great presence of mind, thrown a rope
and hauled him to safety.

"Whew, thanks!" said the sailor. "You saved my life. Tell me,
is there anything I can do for you in return?"

"Well actually," said the man, "there is something. I'd dearly
like to work aboard ship and, in fact, I was just on my way to
look for a job when I saw you in the water. If you could put in
a word for me. I'd be greatly obliged."

"Done!" said the sailor. He took the little man on board and tracked
down his immediate superior. "This man saved my life just now,
and he really would very much like to have a job on the ship."

"Well, I don't know," said the Petty Officer. "We have a full
ship's complement, but I'll certainly put in a word on his behalf
to my superior. What does he do?"

"I'm a Gloop Maker," said the little man eagerly.

Not wishing to appear ignorant in front of his subordinate, the
Petty Officer didn't like to ask what exactly a Gloop Maker was,
so he went to see the Chief Petty Officer.

"This man saved the life of one of my seamen," he told the
Chief. "Do you think we could find him a job aboard? He's a
Gloop Maker."

Not wishing to appear ignorant in front of his subordinate, the
Chief asked the Warrant Officer, who asked the Sub-Lieutenant and
so on, all the way through the chain of command until the request
reached the Captain.

After congratulating the little man, the Captain, not wanting
to appear ignorant, named him ship's Gloop Maker and ordered the
Supply Officer to provide whatever materials were necessary for
work to commence.

The little man asked for a strong block and tackle fitted up on
the afterdeck, a small stool, a hammer and chisel, a portable
furnace, a lump of iron measuring four metres by four metres,
several kilograms of copper and several more of silver.

As the ship sailed, the little man set his stool alongside the
huge chunk of iron, lit the furnace and began to melt down the
copper and silver.

Then, with much hammering and chiselling, he began to add blobs
of copper and curlicues of silver to the sides of the lump of iron.

Each day crew members stopped and stared at the wondrously strange
thing taking shape at the ship's stern. But not wishing to appear
ignorant, nobody asked the Gloop Maker what he actually was making.

"Coming along nicely," said the captain as he made his daily rounds.
"Any idea precisely when it will be --ah-- ready?"

"Oh yes," said the man. "At 1400 hrs. on July 15 we shall sail
through the centre of the Bermuda Triangle. That's when it'll
be ready, and I'd like the crew assembled on deck at that hour,
if you please, sir."

And so, the great day dawned, the men assembled and the Gloop
Maker put down his hammer and chisel.

Proudly he stood back and indicated that the block and tackle should
be lowered onto his masterpiece, whose copper and silver curlicues
gleamed in the sun. Carefully he directed it to be lifted from the
deck and swung round until it hung over the sea at the ship's stern.

"Ready, steady, go!" he cried, and he cut it free.

And, as it fell into the deep blue waters of the Atlantic, it went,

Humour: What do children say about their mother

Following are answers given by young school children when asked about Moms:

Why did God create mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the Scotch Tape is.
2. Think about it. It was the best way to get more people.
3. Mostly to clean the house.
4. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic, plus super powers, and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We are related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice
in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use
string. I think.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

How did your mom meet your dad?
1. Mom was working in a store and dad was shoplifting.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background.
Like is he a crook?
Does he get drunk on beer?
Does he make at least $800 a year?
Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

What makes a real woman?
1. It means you have to be really bossy without looking bossy.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because Dad is such a goofball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than Dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home, and dads just work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power
because that's who you have to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't have spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What's the difference between moms and grandmas?
1. About 30 years.
2. You can always count on grandmothers for candy. Sometimes moms
don't even have bread on them.

Describe the world's greatest mom?
1. She would be able to make broccoli taste like ice cream.
2. The greatest mom in the world wouldn't make me kiss my fat aunts.
3. She'd always be smiling and keep her opinions to herself.

Is anything about your mom perfect?
1. Her teeth are perfect, but she bought them from the dentist.
2. Her casserole recipes. But we hate them.
3. Just her children.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of
plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd dye it, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get
rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter -- then she would know my sister did it and not me.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Joke: Magician in the family

"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school teacher.
"He's a magician, ma'am," said Little Johnny.

"How interesting. What's his favorite trick?" asked the teacher.

"He saws people in half," answered Little Johnny.

"Wow! That must be amazing to watch," said the teacher.

"Do you have any brothers or sisters?"

And Little Johnny said, "One half brother and two half sisters."

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Joke: Jumping from a cliff

Long time ago, a man and a woman were madly in love.

They wanted to marry, but parents didn’t approve.

So they decided to suicide together, and planned to jump from a mountain.

The man could not bear to see his Sweet Heart Fall, so he convinced her that he will jump first, and he jumped.
But the girl never jumped.

Thereafter all men decided to say…..

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Recipe: Kale Soup with Soy & Lime

The quantities in this recipe makes 4 servings
Time: This recipe takes about 20 minutes

An Asian-spiced soup that is fast and really delicious.

2 Tablespoon peanut oil
1 Cup minced onion
2 Tablespoon minced garlic
4 Cups chicken, beef, or vegetable stock, or water, preferably warmed
1 T soy sauce
Salt to taste
About 3 Cups roughly chopped kale leaves (stripped from the stalks & well rinsed)
Minced cilantro leaves for garnish
1 fresh jalapeno chili, stemmed and mined (optional)
1 lime, cut into eighths

  1. Place the oil in a large, deep saucepan and turn the heat to medium-high.   Add the onion and cook, stirring occasionally, until it begins to brown, 5 to 8 minutes.
  2. When the onion is tender and golden, add the garlic.  Cook 1 minute, and then add the stock or water.  Bring to a boil, turn the heat to low, add the soy sauce, and taste for salt; add some if necessary.
Add the kale to the simmering broth and cook until it is nice and tender, about 10 minutes.   (You may prepare the soup in advance up to this point.  Cover refrigerate for up to 2 days, and reheat before proceeding.)  Correct the seasoning (you may prefer to add more soy sauce rather than more salt), garnish, and serve, passing the minced jalapeno and pieces of lime at the table. 

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Joke: Who pays for everything ?

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en-route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cab driver agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and the cab driver tip-toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back, and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.

HE paid for the Mecedes I gave you.

HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.

HE paid for your football season tickets.

HE paid for our house on that rich hill

HE paid for our golf club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cab driver and says "What would you do?"

The cab driver replies, "I'd cover him quickly  with that blanket before he catches cold!!" 

Monday, June 10, 2013

Joke: What about the wife left behind ...

A golfer accidentally overturned his cart.

Elizabeth, a "beautiful" real golfer who lived in a villa on the golf course heard the noise and yelled over to him.

"Hey, are you okay, what's your name?"
"Dan," he replied.

"Dan forget your troubles. Come to my villa, rest up and I'll help you get the cart up later."

"That's mighty nice of you," Dan answered, "but I don't think my wife would like it."

"Aw come on," Elizabeth insisted.

She was very pretty and persuasive.

"Well okay," Dan finally agreed, And added, "but my wife won't like it."

After a hearty drink AND sexy driving and putting lessons, Dan thanked his host. "I feel a lot better now, but I know my wife is going to be real upset."

"Don't be foolish!" Elizabeth said with a smile , she wont know anything. By the way, where is she?"

Dan Replied, .................."Under the cart!"