Funny: Some jokes

A jockey is in the parade ring discussing race tactics with the horse's trainer.

The trainer tells the jockey that this is the worst horse he has ever seen. It has had 23 races and finished last in every one of them. If it doesn't win today the milkman will be using it for deliveries in the morning.

The jockey mounts up and takes the horse down to the start.

The race begins and the horse is immediately 10 lengths behind the pack! So the jockey gives the horse a sharp thwap on the shoulder.

Nothing.

He then gives him a series of strikes on the rump.

Nothing.

He then gives him two wallops right on the hindquarters.

The horse comes to a sudden stop, turns to the jockey and says "Give it a rest with that whip, will ya, buddy? I have to be up at four in the morning to deliver milk"!

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Early one morning, my husband, who works in a funeral home, woke me complaining of severe abdominal pains. We rushed to the emergency room, where tests were performed to determine the source of the pain. My husband decided not to have me call in sick for him until we knew what was wrong.

When the results came back, the nurse informed us that, true to our suspicions, he was suffering from a kidney stone. I turned to my husband and asked, "Would you like me to call the funeral home now?"

With a scornful look, the nurse turned to me and snapped, "Honey, he's not that sick!"

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I keep all my credit cards maxed-out so I never have to worry about identity theft.