Funny: Some jokes

Dan married one of a pair of identical twin girls. Less than a year later, he was in court filing for a divorce. "OK," the judge said, "Tell the court why you want a divorce."

"Well, your honor," Dan started, "Every once in a while my sister in law would come over for a visit, and because she and my wife are so identical looking, every once in a while I'd end up making love to her by mistake."

"Surely there must be some difference between the two women." the judge said.

"You'd better believe there is a difference, your honor! That's why I want the divorce." he replied.

--------------

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.

To remedy this, he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage.

A year later the young man returned home.

"Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers," the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity."

"Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs, he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace.

"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian."

So in the tradition of the patriarchs they went to the Rabbi.

"It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a
Christian. What is happening to our sons?"

"Brothers, we must take this to the Lord," said the Rabbi.

They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty. As they prayed the clouds
opened and a mighty voice stated,

"Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel....."

Funny: Some jokes

Smith goes to see his supervisor in the front office. "Boss," he says, "we're doing some heavy house-cleaning at home tomorrow, and my wife needs me to help with the attic and the garage, moving and hauling stuff."

"We're short-handed, Smith" the boss replies. "I can't give you the day off."

"Thanks, boss," says Smith "I knew I could count on you!"

--------------

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport . After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight Number 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles . The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax...  OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed, and after a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom and said, "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, the flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

--------------

At a big cocktail party, an obstetrician's wife noticed another guest, a big, over sexed blonde, was making overtures at her husband.

It was a large, informal gathering, so she tried to laugh it off until she saw them disappear into a bedroom together.

At once she rushed into the room, pulled the two apart and screamed, "Look lady! My husband just delivers babies, he doesn't INSTALL them!"

Funny: Some jokes

A film crew was on location in the desert. One day an old Native American Indian Chief went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow rain."

The next day it rained.

A week later, the chief went up to the director and said, "Tomorrow storm."

The next day there was a hailstorm.

"This guy is incredible!" said the director. He told his secretary to hire him to predict the weather. However, after several successful predictions, the old chief didn't show up for two weeks.

Finally the director sent for him. "I have to shoot a big scene tomorrow,"

said the director, "and I'm depending on you. What will the weather be like?"

The chief shrugged. "Don't know. Radio broke."

-------------

St. Peter is standing at Heaven's gate when a man walks up. "Welcome to Heaven, my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked.

"I was a vice officer. I kept dangerous narcotics out of the hands of kids."

"Wonderful my son, welcome to Heaven. Pass through the gates."

A few moments later a second man walks up.

"Welcome to Heaven, my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked.

"I was a traffic officer. I kept the roads and highways safe for travelers."

"Well done. Pass through the gates into Paradise."

A few moments later a third man walks up.

"Welcome to Heaven my son. What did you do with your life?"

"I was a policeman," he responded.

"What kind of policeman?" St. Peter asked.

"I was a Military Policeman, Sir."

"Excellent, my son. I've gotta take a leak, watch the gate will ya?"

Funny: Some jokes

A fellow was very much in love with a beautiful girl. One day she told him that the next day was her birthday. He told her he would send her a bouquet of roses... one for each year of her life. That evening he called the local florist and ordered twenty-one roses with instructions that they be delivered first thing the next morning. As the florist was preparing the order, he decided that since the young man was such a good customer, he would put an extra dozen roses in the bouquet.
The fellow never did find out what made the young girl so angry with him. 

-------------------

A country preacher decided to skip services one Sunday and head to the hills to do some bear hunting. As he rounded the corner on a perilous twist in the trail, he and a bear collided, sending him and his rifle tumbling down the mountainside.

Before he knew it, his rifle went one way and he went the other, landing on a rock and breaking both legs. That was the good news. The bad news was the ferocious bear charging at him from a distance, and he couldn't move.

"Oh, Lord," the preacher prayed, "I'm so sorry for skipping services today to come out here and hunt. Please forgive me and grant me just one wish . . . please make a Christian out of that bear that's coming at me. Please, Lord!"

That very instant, the bear skidded to a halt, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together and began to pray aloud right at the preacher's feet. "Dear God, bless this food I am about to receive . . ."

---------------------

Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. I just cannot seem to get them tender."

The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"

The other replied, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."

"Ah, ha!" the second cannibal replies. "No wonder ... those are friars!"

Funny: Some jokes

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, 'I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!'"

--------------

THE ORIGINAL VERSION:
If you love something, Set it free...
If it comes back, it's yours,
If it doesn't, it never was yours....

THE PESSIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, she's yours,
If she doesn't, well, as expected, she never was.

THE OPTIMIST VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
Don't worry, she will come back.

THE SUSPICIOUS VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she ever comes back, ask her why.

THE IMPATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free ...
If she doesn't comes back within some time limit, forget her.

THE PATIENT VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ...

THE PLAYFUL VERSION:
If you love somebody,
Set her free...
If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat

THE LAWYER'S VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
Clause 1a of Paragraph 13a-1 in the second amendment of the Matrimonial Freedom Act clearly states that...

THE BILL GATES VERSION:
If you love somebody,Set her free...
If she comes back,
I think we can charge her for re-installation fees and tell her that she's also going to get an upgrade.

THE STATISTICIAN' S VERSION:
If you love somebody, Set her free...
If she loves you, the probability of her coming back is high
If she doesn't, your relationship was improbable anyway.

THE POSSESSIVE VERSION:
If you love somebody don't ever set her free.

THE MBA VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
instantaneously. ..
and look for others simultaneously.

THE PSYCHOLOGIST' S VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, her super ego is dominant
If she doesn't come, back her id is supreme
If she doesn't go, she must be crazy.

THE FINANCE EXPERT VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, its time to look for fresh loans.
If she doesn't, write her off as an asset gone bad.

THE MARKETING VERSION:
If you love somebody set her free...
If she comes back, she has brand loyalty
If she doesn't, reposition the brand in new markets.

Funny: Some jokes

A man met a beautiful lady and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She said, "But we don't know anything about each other." He said, "That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along."

So she consented, and they were married, and went on a honeymoon to a very nice resort. So one morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 Meter board and did a two and a half tuck gainer, this followed by a three rotations in jackknife position, where he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and laid down on the towel.

She said, "That was incredible!" He said, "I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about ourselves as we went along."

So she got up, jumped in the pool, and started doing laps. After about thirty laps she climbed back out and laid down on her towel hardly out of breath. He said, "That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?" "No," she said, "I was a hooker in Venice and I worked both sides of the canal...

------------------

A man was driving through west Texas one spring evening. The road was deserted and he had not seen a soul for what seemed like hours.

Suddenly his car started to cough and splutter and the engine slowly died away, leaving him sitting on the side of the road in total silence.

He popped the hood and looked to see if there was anything that he could do to get it going again. Unfortunately, he had a limited knowledge of cars, so all he could do was look at the engine, feeling
despondent.

As he stood looking at the gradually fading light of his flashlight, he cursed that he had not put in new batteries, like he had promised himself.

Suddenly, through the inky shadows, came a deep voice, "It's your fuel pump." The man raised up quickly, striking his head on the underside of the hood.

"Who said that?" he demanded.

There were two horses standing in the fenced field alongside the road and the man was amazed when the nearest of the two horses repeated, "It's your fuel pump. Tap it with your flashlight, and try it again."

Confused, the man tapped the fuel pump with his flashlight, turned the key and sure enough, the engine roared to life. He muttered a short thanks to the horse and screeched away.

When he reached the next town, he ran into the local bar. "Gimme a large whiskey, please!" he said.

A rancher sitting at the bar looked at the man's ashen face and asked, "What's wrong, man? You look like you'veseen a ghost!"

"It's unbelievable," the man said and recalled the whole tale to the rancher.

The rancher took a sip of his beer and looked thoughtful. "A horse, you say? Was it by any chance a white horse?"

The man replied to the affirmative. "Yes, it was! Am I crazy?"

"No, you ain't crazy. In fact, you're lucky," said the rancher, "because that black horse don't know about cars!"

Funny: Some jokes

Johnny had been misbehaving and was sent to his room. After a while he emerged and informed his mother that he had thought it over and then said a prayer.

"Fine," said the pleased mother. "If you ask God to help you not misbehave, He will help you."

"Oh, I didn't ask Him to help me not misbehave," said Johnny. "I asked Him to help you put up with me."

-----------------

Snow White received a camera as a gift.

She joyfully took many pictures of the Dwarves, the forest, the animals, etc.

She quickly finished her first roll, and immediately took the film into town to be developed.

"How long before they're ready?" Snow asked the clerk.

He informed her it would be at least 6 days, as they had to send it to the Big City to be processed (remember, they didn't have 1-hour processing OR FedEx back then!)

After a week, she went to get the finished photos. The clerk told her they were not yet back from the processor.

"Come back next week", he said to her. Of course, as the story goes, she returned the following week for her 4x6 glossies, but they still had not returned!

Snow White was so distraught that she started to sob right there at thecounter.

The clerk, trying to console her, said kindly, "Don't worry, Dear...

Someday your prints will come."

Funny: Some jokes

A biker is riding a new motorcycle on the highway. While passing a car, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window, "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't."

The biker drives on, until he sees the next car. While passing it, he knocks on the window.

The driver of the car opens the window: "Yes?"

"Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"No I haven't."

Then suddenly there is a curve, the biker sees it too late. He crashes off the road into a ditch. A car stops and a man runs to the unlucky biker.

Covered in blood, the biker asks, "Ever driven a Honda motorcycle?"

"Yes I have. I had a Honda for 20 years."

The biker says, "Tell me, where are the brakes?"

---------------

This lady called to make reservations on a small charter plane. She knew she would be flying in a very small plane, so she wasn't surprised when the clerk said, "The plane is very full with baggage and passengers."

Then he asked, "How much do you weigh, Ma'am?"

Not thinking clearly, she answered, "With or without clothes?"

"Well," said the clerk, "how do you intend to travel?"

Funny: Some jokes

To Tell the weather, Go to your back door and look for the dog.

If the is at the door and he is hot and thirsty, it's probably hot and sunny.

If the dog is wet, it's probably raining. But if the dog is standing there really soaking wet, it is probably
raining really hard.

If the dog's fur looks like it's been rubbed the wrong way, it's probably windy.

If the dog has snow on his back, it's probably snowing. you expect bad weather.

Sincerely,

The Snuggles the Cat

--------------

My daughter Marina worked in my law office while she attended graduate school.

One morning a call came in for her. I said she wasn't in yet and offered to take a message. The caller said she'd phone back later.

At 11:00 am., the caller tried again, and I reported that Marina had gone to lunch.

The last call came in at 3:30 pm. "I'm sorry," I said, "she's left for the day. May I take a message?"

"Yes," the caller replied. "How can I get a job with you?"

--------------

"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life-insurance salesman asked his client.

"What do you mean?" countered the woman.

"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?" asked the salesman.

The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a poodle."

Funny: Some jokes

Norman and his blonde wife live in Prince George. One winter morning while listening to the radio, they hear the announcer say, "We are going to have 3 to 4 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast, the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 4 to 5 inches of snow today.

You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplow can get through."

Norman's wife goes out and moves her car, again.

The next week they are having breakfast, again, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.

You must park ...........," then the electric power goes out.

Norman's wife says, "Honey, I don't know what to do."

Norman says, "Why don't you just leave it in the garage this time?

---------------

Every time the man next door headed toward Kevin's house, Kevin knew he was coming to borrow something. "He won't get away with it this time," muttered Kevin to his wife. "Watch this."

"Er, I wonder if you'd be using your power-saw this morning," the neighbour began.

"Gee, I'm awfully sorry," said Kevin with a smug look, "but the fact of the matter is, I'll be using it all day."

"In that case," said the neighbour, "you won't be using your golf clubs, mind if I borrow them?"

-------------

Two hunters were in a lodge, making small talk.

One of them asked the other, "So, what do you hunt?"

He answered, "I hunt unicorns."

The first hunter was startled, but said, "Really? How do you do that?"

The other answered "I find a virgin and hire her to help me.

The virgin sits around in the woods until a unicorn comes to her. When it does, it sets off a snare."

The first hunter said "Boy, they must be hard to find. I've heard of them, but I've never seen one."

The second hunter said "Yeah, and there aren't many unicorns around, either!"

Funny: Some jokes

The boss was very exasperated with his new secretary. She ignored the telephone when it rang.

"You must answer the telephone!" he told her irritably.

"All right," she replied, "but it seems so silly. Nine times out of ten, it's for you!”

------------------

A husband, the owner of a new car, was somewhat reluctant to allow his wife to drive his prize possession even to the grocery store, which was a few blocks from the house.

After she insisted, he finally relented, cautioning her as she departed: "Remember, if you have an accident, the newspaper will print your age.”

-------------

While hiking in the countryside, my friend Eve and I spotted a huge bed of mushrooms that we knew to be edible. We gathered a large basketful and sautéed them that night. My husband Phil refused to eat them, thinking they might be poisonous.

Two weeks later, Eve and I gathered some more mushrooms. This time, Phil joined us.

"How is it that you're eating these mushrooms tonight," I asked, "when you wouldn't touch the ones we brought home 2 weeks ago? "What changed your mind?"

"I thought about it," Phil explained seriously, "and I figured it would be better to be found dead with you two than to try to explain two dead women in my home.”

-------------

Deciding to take up jogging, the middle-aged man was astounded by the wide selection of jogging shoes available at the local sports shoe store.

While trying on a basic pair of jogging shoe, he noticed a feature and asked the clerk about it. "What's this little pocket thing here on the side for?"

"Oh, that's to carry spare change so you can call your wife to come pick you up when you've jogged too far.”

Funny: Some jokes

Two hunters got a pilot to fly them into the far north for elk hunting. They were quite successful in their venture, and bagged six big bucks. The pilot came back as arranged to pick them up. They started loading their gear into the plane, including the six elk. But the pilot objected; said he, "The plane can take out only four of your elk; you will have to leave two behind."

They argued with him; the year before they had shot six and the pilot had allowed them to put all aboard, and the plane was just the same model and capacity as this. Reluctantly the pilot finally permitted them to put all six aboard.

But when they attempted to take off and leave the valley where they were, the little plane could not make it, and they crashed in the wilderness. Climbing out of the wreckage, one hunter said to the other, "Do you know where we are?"

"I think so," replied the other hunter. "I think this is about the same place where we landed last year."

----------------

A Russian couple was walking down the street in St. Petersburg the other night, when the man felt a drop hit
his nose. "I think it's raining," he said to his wife.

"No, that felt more like snow to me," she replied. "No, I'm sure it was just rain, he said." Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing. Just then they saw a minor communist party official walking toward them. "Let's not fight about it," the man said, "let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

As the official approached, the man said, "Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?"

"It's raining, of course," he answered and walked on. But the woman insisted: "I know that felt like snow!" To which the man quietly replied: "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"

-------------

Having a bad day? Well, better you than me.

If you cant beat 'em, well then you're just not trying hard enough, slacker.

Ever notice how people who tell you to calm down are the ones that got you mad in the first place?

Happiness is where you find it. Perhaps you should look someplace else.

Start each day off on the right foot, unless you kick better with your left.

I make it a policy to never take work home with me...unless office supplies count.

If not for stress, I'd have no energy at all.

Women don't need the remote control...we have the actual control.

Give a man a fish, and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, and the old buzzard won't be hanging around, underfoot, all weekend.

I'd eat more fruits and vegetables if they tasted more like microwaved burritos.

Humor: Different ages

AGE DRINK
17 beer
25 vodka
35 scotch
48 double scotch
66 Mylanta

AGE SEDUCTION LINE
17 My parents are away for the weekend.
25 My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 My fiancee is away for the weekend.
48 My wife is away for the weekend.
66 My wife is dead.

AGE FAVOURITE SPORT
17 sex
25 sex
35 sex
48 channel surfing
66 napping

AGE DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE
17 "tongue"
25 "breakfast"
35 "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 "Got home alive."

AGE FAVOURITE FANTASY
17 a winning goal after the siren
25 sex in an airplane
35 menage a trois
48 taking over the company
66 Swiss maid

AGE WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?
17 25
25 35
35 48
48 66
66 17

AGE IDEAL DATE
17 Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in
25 "Split the check before we go back to my place."
35 "Just come over."
48 "Just come over and cook."
66 Sex in the company jet on the way to Las Vegas

Funny: Some jokes

On my way to a picnic, I stopped at a fast-food place to order a quart of potato salad.

"We don't sell it by the quart," the salesman snapped.

"Okay, then give me two pints, please," I replied.

I'm proud to say that I held my tongue when she asked, "Do you want it in one container?"

--------------

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the empty seats alongside. The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search." Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds.
It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm. He says "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival." Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?" The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!

Funny: Some jokes

Watching her mother as she tried on her new fur coat, the young daughter said unhappily, "Mom, do you realize some poor dumb beast suffered so you could have that?"

The woman shot her an angry look and yelled, "How dare you talk about your father like that!"

------------

If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway?

------------

An elderly woman and her little grandson, whose face was sprinkled with bright freckles, spent the day at the zoo. Lots of children were waiting in line to get their cheeks painted by a local artist who was decorating them with tiger paws.

"You've got so many freckles, there's no place to paint!" a girl in the line said to the little fella. Embarrassed, the little boy dropped his head.

His grandmother knelt down next to him. "I love your freckles. When I was a little girl I always wanted freckles, she said, while tracing her finger across the child's cheek. "Freckles are beautiful!"

The boy looked up, "Really?"

"Of course," said the grandmother. "Why, just name me one thing that's prettier than freckles."

The little boy thought for a moment, peered intensely into his grandma's face, and softly whispered, "Wrinkles."

----------------

Three elderly gentlemen were talking about what their grandchildren would be saying about them fifty years from now.

"I would like my grandchildren to say, 'He was successful in business',"

declared the first man.

"Fifty years from now," said the second, "I want them to say, 'He was a loyal family man'."

Turning to the third gent, the first gent asked, "So what do you want them to say about you in fifty years?"

"Me?" the third man replied. "I want them all to say, 'He certainly looks good for his age'!"

Funny: Some jokes

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in an exclusive lounge.

He took her to his lavish apartment where he soon discovered she was not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently very intelligent.

Hoping to impress her, he began showing her his collection of expensive paintings, first editions by famous authors and offered her a glass of wine.

He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means.

To me, it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious sense of anticipation.

When the stopper is removed and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the wings of ecstasy.

It seems as though I'm about to drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to glow.

The sound of a thousand violins being softly played fills my ears and I'm transported into another world.

"On the other hand, Port gives me gas."


--------------

Words That Don't Exist...But Should...

Aquadextrous (akwa deks' trus) adj. Possessing the ability to turn the bath taps on and off with your toes.

Carperpetuation (kar 'pur pet u a shun) n. The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down
to give the vacuum one more chance.

Disconfect (diskonfect') v. To sterilize the sweet you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming that somehow it will 'remove' all the germs.

Elbonics (el bon' iks) n. The actions of two people maneuvering for one armrest in a cinema.

Frust (frust) n. The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dustpan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

Lactomangulation (lak' to man gyu lay' shun) n. Manhandling the 'open here' spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

Peppier (pehp ee ay') n. The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

Phonesia (fo nee' zhuh) n. The affliction of dialing a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

Pupkus (pup' kus) n. The moist residue left on a window after a dog presses its nose to it.

Telecrastination (tel e kras tin ay' shun) n. The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away.

Funny: Some jokes

Two church members were going door-to-door and knocked on Vickie's door who was not happy to see them. She told them in no uncertain terms that she did not want to hear their message and slammed the door in their faces.

To Vickie's surprise, however, the door did not close and in fact, bounced back open.

She tried again and really put her back into it, and slammed the door again with all her might, but got the same result. The door bounced back open.

Convinced these rude young people were sticking their foot in the door, she reared back to give it a slam that would teach them a lesson, when one of them said, "Ma'am, before you do that again, you need to move your cat."

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Women always say some snide little comments when they catch their guy looking at a cute girl.

Bills wife caught him last week. She said, "You look like a kid in a candy store!"

Thank God Bill is witty. He came right back with, "Yeah, well, I'm married now so, I'm a kid with diabetes in a candy store."

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Just after the maid had been fired, she took five bucks from her purse and threw it to Fido, the family dog.

When asked why by her former employer, she answered, "I never forget a friend. That was for helping me clean the dishes all the time!"

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Two intrepid explorers met in the heart of the Brazilian jungle.

"I'm here," declared one, "to commune with nature in the raw, to contemplate the eternal verities and to widen my horizons. And you, sir?"

"I," sighed the second explorer, "came because my young daughter has begun violin lessons."

Funny: Some jokes

There was this Magician on a ship performing every night.

Not noticing, the captains parrot watches him every night as he performs the same tricks.

After watching him, the parrot finds out how he does it and started to tell the audience.

After the parrot told the audience, the ship hit an iceberg and started to sink. Everyone ran to the life boats.

It so happen that the Magician went overboard and managed to hold one a flat piece of board that the parrot was on.

After three days of staring at each other the parrot finally says "Ok, what did you do with the ship?"

----------------------

Ways To Turn A Man Down...

HE. "Can I buy you a drink?"
SHE. "Actually I'd rather have the money"

HE: I'm a photographer I've been looking for a face like yours!
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours!!!

HE: Hi! Didn't we go on a date once? or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice!!!

HE: How did you get to be so beautiful?
SHE: I must've been given your share!!!

HE: Will you come out with me this Saturday?
SHE: Sorry! I'm having a headache this weekend!!!

HE: Your face must turn a few heads!
SHE: And your face must turn a few stomachs!!!

HE: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out!
SHE: Okay, get out!!!

HE: I think I could make you very happy
SHE: Why? Are you leaving?

Funny: Some jokes

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.

It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

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Dexter had just returned from two weeks of vacation. He asked his boss for two more weeks off to get married.

"What!" shouted the boss? "I can't give you more time now. Why didn't you get married while you were off?"

"Are you nuts?" replied Dexter. "That would have ruined my whole vacation."

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A woman, searching for a job, inquired about the benefits. The Personnel Manager informed her they had group health and life insurance, but the costs were deducted from the employee's pay.

She said, "My last employer had full health coverage, as well as five years salary for life insurance and a month's sick leave AND they paid the full premiums."

"I can't help but asking madam why you would leave a job with such benefits," the interviewer replied.

The woman shrugged her shoulders and said, "The company went bankrupt." 

Funny: Some jokes

Ways to Turn Men Down

HE:: So, what do you do for a living?
SHE:: I'm a female impersonator.

HE: I'm a photographer. I've been looking for a face like yours.
SHE: I'm a plastic surgeon. I've been looking for a face like yours.

HE: Hi. Didn't we go on a date once? Or was it twice?
SHE: Must've been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

HE:: Will you go out with me this Saturday?
SHE:: Sorry. I'm having a headache this weekend.

HE:: Go on, don't be shy. Ask me out.
SHE:: Okay, get out.

HE:: I think I could make you very happy.
SHE:: Why? Are you leaving?

HE:: Can I have your name?
SHE:: Why? Don't you already have one?

HE:: Shall we go see a movie?
SHE:: I've already seen it.

HE:: Where have you been all my life?
SHE:: Hiding from you.

HE:: Haven't I seen you some place before?
SHE:: Yes. That's why I don't go there anymore.

HE:: Hey baby, what's your sign?
SHE:: Do not enter.

HE:: Your body is like a temple.
SHE:: Sorry, there are no services today.

--------------

Rex was standing in the lingerie store staring at a collection of Wonder Bras.

The clerk noticed he had been there for some time and that he appeared to be having trouble picking one out.

She walked over and asked him if she could be of assistance.

Rex answered, "Well... if it's a Wonder Bra, am I supposed to pick the size she is, or the size I want her to be?"

Funny: Some jokes

A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three
young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, "You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. In fact, I
use to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I'll give you each a dollar if you'll promise to come around every day and do your thing." he kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trashcans.

After a few days, the old-timer greeted the kids again, but this time he had a sad smile on his face. "This recession's really putting a big dent in my income," he told them. "From now on, I'll only be able to pay you 50 cents to beat on the cans."

The noisemakers were obviously displeased, but they did accept his offer and continued their afternoon ruckus. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street.

"Look," he said, "I haven't received my Social Security check yet, so I'm not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?"

"A lousy quarter?" the drum leader exclaimed.

"If you think we're going to waste our time, beating these cans around for a quarter, you're nuts! No way, mister. We quit!"

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

-----------------

A cowboy was riding his horse across his pasture. A snake spooked his horse and bucked the cowboy off. The cowboy cursed at the snake and yelled, "Don't bite me!"

The snake said, "No, I'm a genie snake. I can give you three wishes. What would you like me to grant you?"

The cowboy thought for a minute and said, "A million dollars in the bank." The snake said, "Granted, next."

Again the cowboy thought. Then said, "The most beautiful wife in the world." The snake said, "Granted, next."

Then with a great big smile on his face he said, "I want to be hung like my horse."

The snake said, "Granted" and slithered off.

The cowboy got on his horse and rode home as fast as the horse would take him. He ran into the house and into his bedroom. There stretched across his bed in a sexy negligee was the most beautiful woman in the world. So he picked up the phone called the bank and asked for his balance. The bank told him he had one million and forty nine dollars. He rushed into the bathroom, unzipped his pants and let out the most blood curdling cry.

"Dammit, I forgot I was riding OLD NELLIE!"

Funny: Some jokes

A guy meets a childhood pal.

"What are you doing for yourself these days?"

"I'm a fireman."

"Oh yeah? My 15-year-old kid wants to be a fireman."

"Well, if you want some good advice, you've got to install in your house a pole that will go to the basement so your kid can practice, 'cause the hardest thing for a fireman is to jump off into space and catch that pole in the middle of the night."

Ten years later, the two guys happen to meet again.

"Well, did your son become a fireman?"

"No, but I have two daughters who are "dancers."

------------------

A young teacher began a job as an elementary school counselor and was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

The teacher approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, the teacher noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, the teacher offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, the teacher then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the f*cking goalie!"

Funny: Some jokes

A man is at his lawyer's funeral and is surprised by the turnout for this one man.

He turns to the people around him.

"Why are you all at this man's funeral?"

A man turns towards him and says, "We're all clients."

"And you ALL came to pay your respects? How touching."

"No, we came to make sure he was dead."


----------------

The two ladies were sitting in the living room, waiting for their hostess, who was slightly delayed.

The daughter of the family was with them, on the theory that she would keep the visitors occupied during the wait. The child was about six years old, snub nosed, freckled, buck toothed and bespectacled. She maintained a deep silence and the two ladies peered doubtfully at her.

Finally, one of them muttered to the other, "Not very p-r-e-t-t-y, I fear," carefully spelling the key word.

Whereupon the child piped up, "But awful s-m-a-r-t!"

-------------

Ways to Tell If You Have PMS

* Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

* You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelette.

* The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

* Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

* You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, "How's my driving- call 1-800-###-####.

* Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

* Inanimate objects get on your nerves.

* You're counting down the days until menopause.

* You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

* The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

* You dump the pretzels out of the bag, and eat the salt. While simultaneously eating a gallon of ice cream.

* You cry at commercials one minute, and contemplate assault the next.

Funny: Some jokes

A minister in a little church had been having trouble with the collections.

One Sunday he announced, "Now, before we pass the collection plate, I would like to request that the person who stole the chickens from Brother Martin's hen house please refrain from giving any money to the Lord. The Lord doesn't want money from a thief!"

The collection plate was passed around, and for the first time in months, everyone gave!

--------------------

Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.

He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says, "Catch some chickens."

The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.

The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."

The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"

The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."

The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"

The boy just laughs and keeps walking.

That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.

At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.

The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"

The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."

The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat."

Funny: Some jokes

Women can remember every outfit they wore for the past decade.

Men cannot remember what they wore yesterday without looking at the floor next to the bed.

--------------

One night a father sent his kid to bed. Five minutes later the boy screamed, ''Dad! Can you get me a glass of water?''

''No. You had your chance.''

A minute later the boy screamed ''Dad!! Can you get me a glass of water?''

''No. You had your chance. Next time you ask I'll come up there and spank you.''

''Dad! When you come up to spank me can you bring me a glass of water?'"

---------------

"George is so forgetful," the sales manager complained to his secretary.

"It's a wonder he can sell anything. I asked him to pick me up some sandwiches on his way back from lunch and I'm not sure he'll even remember to come back."

Just then, the door flew open and in bounced George.

"You'll never guess what happened!" he shouted. "While I was at lunch, I met old man Brown, who hasn't bought anything from us for five years. Well, we got to talking and he gave me this half-million dollar order!"

"See," sighed the sales manager to his secretary. "I told you he'd forget the sandwiches."

Funny: Some jokes

Men vs. Women

Names:

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.

Paying The Bill:

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out comes the pocket calculators.

Money:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.

Bathrooms:

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.

Arguments:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

Cats:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

The Future:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Success:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

Marriage:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

Dressing Up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

Natural:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

Offspring:

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

Funny: Some jokes

Mary was almost crazy with her three young kids. She complained to her best friend Judy, "They're driving me nuts! They give me no rest! I'm half way to the funny farm!"

"What you need," said Judy, "is a playpen."

So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, Judy called to ask how things were going.

"Superb! I can't believe it," Mary said. "I get in that pen with a good book and a chocolate bar, and the kids don't bother me for hours!"

----------------------

My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age 55?"

"Yes, I remember," I said.

"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now 108."

------------------

The banker had called the man in to talk about his account. "Your financial affairs are in a big mess! Your wife constantly overdraws your account. She is behind in her charge accounts at the department store, and her check stubs are all added wrong. So why don't you talk to her about it?"

"Because," said the man, "I would rather argue with you than with her."

Funny: Some jokes

The wheel of my grocery cart was making a horrible scraping sound as I rolled it through the supermarket.

When I finished my shopping, I saw a cartless woman, and offered it up, explaining, "It makes an awful noise, but it works."

"That's okay," she said, taking it. "I have a husband at home just like that."

-------------------

A car hit a Jewish man, and the paramedics rushed to the scene. After assessing the situation, they got the man on a stretcher and moved him into the ambulance for transport to the hospital. He was not badly injured, but enough so that they felt he should be checked out more thoroughly than they were capable of doing in the street.

After getting the stretcher secured in the ambulance and as they prepared to leave, one of the paramedics checked on the man and asked him, "How are you feeling?"

"Okay, considering," answered the man.

"Any nausea, dizziness, numbness?" asked the paramedic.

"No, none of that."

"Any shortness of breath or chest pain?"

"Nope."

"Are you comfortable?"

"I make a good living..."