Funny: Some jokes

A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her.

"Pardon me, sir," she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop."

"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm half blind."

He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.

"Not bad," she answered. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long.

Only a few of them are slicing."

"Tanks, again, Miss," he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."

A few shots later, he inquired again, "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"

"Not at all," she replied.

"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat?"

"You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that is your problem.

Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."

He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asked.

"Vit gladness, dank gott. All the help you got I vill take," he answered.

"Get rid of your Jewish accent," she replied, "you're Chinese."

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I was frustrated with my teenage son's unwillingness to prepare even the most simple meal for himself. "David," I said in exasperation one night, "all I've done is taken food out of the freezer and heated it in the microwave. You could do that. You know how to push buttons, right?"

"Well," he replied, "I know how to push yours."