Funny: Some jokes

One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.

Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.

The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.

After several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.

All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.

Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"

Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"

"Well yeah. We both saw him. Why?"

"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."


-----------------

You know you are in DEEP TROUBLE when.....

* The stewardess on your American Airlines flight tells you NOT to fasten your seatbelt.

* Your accountants letter of resignation is postmarked Panama.

* You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your late car payment.

* Your suggestion box starts ticking.

* You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

* You see the cruise captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

* They pay your wages out of petty cash.

* You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

* Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.

* The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

* A black cat crosses you path and drops dead.

* You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.

* You see your wife and your girlfriend having lunch together.

* Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

* The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

* The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

Funny: Some jokes

HUNCHBACK'S WIFE: I'm getting worried about that back of yours. It looks really awful. Perhaps you should see a doctor. Eventually, after a lot of persuasion the Hunchback goes to the doctor.

DOCTOR:I want you to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes jacket then stops)

HUNCHBACK:I don't like getting undressed.

DOCTOR:If you want me to examine your back you'll have to get undressed. ( Hunchback removes his shirt but leaves his vest on.)

HUNCHBACK:I don't like showing people my back. They always laugh at me.

DOCTOR:Do you want me to examine your back or not? ( Very reluctantly the hunchback removes his vest.

DOCTOR:How long is it since you were at school?

HUNCHBACK:Over 30 years. Why?

DOCTOR:Did you ever wonder what happened to your backpack?

-------------------

Two midgets walk into a bar where one of them picks up a barfly.

They taker her to the local motel; the first midget goes into the motel room while the other waits outside.

Once the door closes, the midgets on the outside hears strange noises through the door, "I can't do it, I can't do it, I CAN'T DO IT!"

In the morning, the second midgets asks the first, "How did it go?"

The first one answers. "It was embarrassing. I simply couldn't do it."

The second midgets shook his head. "Manhood problems, eh?"

"No. I couldn't get on the bed!"

Funny: Some jokes

A friend and his wife were considering traveling to Alaska for a trip that the husband had long dreamed of taking. He kept talking about how great it would be to stay in a log cabin without electricity, to hunt moose, and drive a dog team instead of a car.

"If we decided to live there permanently, away from civilization, what would you miss the most?" he asked his wife.

She replied, "You."

---------------

Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he'd meet, and so on.

When the first day came, Tommy eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.

The next morning when his mother woke him up, he asked, "What for?"

She told him it was time to get ready for school.

"What?" he asked. "Again?"

---------------

A slice of pizza is in the stomach, waiting to be digested.

Suddenly, a shot of whiskey barrels down. The piza lets it pass in front of him.

A few minutes later, another shot of whiskey comes through.

Courteously, the pizza lets it pass in front of him too.

A few minutes later, a third shot of whiskey tumbles into the stomach.

The pizza asks they whiskey, "What's going on up there?"

"They're having a really great party", says the whiskey.

"Really? responds the pizza. "I think I'll go up there and take a look".

Funny: Some jokes

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington was recently faced with a unique problem. A number of 12 year-old girls had begun to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.

That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required.

He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the  toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers... And then there are educators.

------------------

Friendship Between Women:

A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.

Friendship Between Men:

A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

Funny: Some jokes

When I lived in a dorm, one of the favorite intramural sports was water fights. Dousing and bombarding one another with water from squirt guns, glasses, balloons, even wastebaskets. Since each room had a sink, there
was endless ammunition. The most frequent target was the Resident Assistant.

Approaching his room one afternoon, he noticed his door was ajar. Looking up, he saw a pail of water balanced on the door's edge, ready to fall on him. As he took down the pail and emptied it into his sink, he thought, "Those crazy guys actually thought they could fool me with that old gag!"

It was then he realized we'd removed the drainpipe beneath the sink.


------------------

You know you are in Florida in the summertime when ....

The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.

Hot water now comes out of both taps.

You can make sun tea instantly.

You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.

The temperature drops below 95 and you feel a little chilly.

You discover that it only takes 2 fingers to steer your car.

You discover that you can get sunburned through your car window.

You actually burn your hand opening the car door.

You break into a sweat the instant you step outside at 7:30 a.m.

Your biggest bicycle wreck fear is, "What if I get knocked out and end up lying on the pavement and cook to death?"

You realize that asphalt has a liquid state.

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.

The potatoes cook underground, so all you have to do is pull one out and add butter, salt, and pepper.

Farmers are feeding their chickens crushed ice to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs.

The cows are giving evaporated milk.

Funny: Some jokes

There were two old men sitting on a park bench. A blonde woman walks by.

One old man says to the other one, "Ever sleep with a blonde?" The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

A brunette then walks by. The old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a brunette?" The other old man says, "Many a time. Many a time."

A redhead walks by, and the old man says to the other, "Ever sleep with a redhead?" The other old man says, "Not a wink."

------------------------

Someone in our neighborhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection.

Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave. Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out.

"This I've got to see," I thought.

They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard.

Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.

--------------

Two neighbours had been fighting each other for nigh on four decades.

Bob buys a Great Dane and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.

For one whole year Bill ignores the dog.

So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.

After about a year and a half of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; being ignored all the while, a semi pulls up in front of Bill's house.

Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the 18-wheeler.

'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.

Funny: Some jokes

The teacher says to her new class, "For our first lesson, each of you will stand up, tell us your name, what your father does, spell what your father does, and then explain it to us. All right, Billy. You go first."

Billy stands up and says, "My name's Billy. My father's a lawyer, l-a-w-y-e-r, and he defends people in court."

The teacher says, "Very good. All right, Benjamin."

Tyrone stands up and says, "My name's Benjamin. My father's a pharmacist, f-a-m... f-a-r-n... f-n..."

The teacher says, "Benjamin, you go home tonight and learn how to spell pharmacist. All right, Angelo."

Angelo stands up and says, "My name's Angelo. My old man's a bookie, b-o-o-k-i-e, and if he was here, he'd give you nine-to-five odds Benjamin ain't spellin' pharmacist by tomorrow." 

--------------------

An exhausted looking man dragged himself in to the Doctor's office. "Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood. They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep."

"I have good news for you," the doctor answered, rummaging through a drawer full of sample medications. "Here are some new sleeping pills that work like a dream. A few of these and your trouble will be over."

"Great," the man answered, "I'll try anything. Let's give it a shot."

A few weeks later the man returned, looking worse than ever. "Doc, your plan is no good. I'm more tired than before!"

"I don't understand how that could be", said the doctor, shaking his head. "Those are the strongest pills on the
market!"

"That may be true," answered the man wearily, "but I'm still up all night chasing those dogs and when I finally catch one it's hard getting him to swallow the pill"

----------------

Two Newfoundlerss are sightseeing in Toronto. They decide to call it a day and go for a drink. They enter this flashy looking bar with a mirrored wall along one side and flashing lights everywhere.

They sit themselves at the bar and one Newfoundler looks up in the direction of the mirrored wall and says to his friend. "Hey Bob, it looks like there are a couple of down home boys just like us sitting at the other end of this bar."

"Well then, John," said the other, "go and over and offer them a drink."

As John leaves to offer the drink, Bob shouts out. "Hey John, sit down again. I think they're coming over to buy us one."

Funny: Some jokes

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket.

They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then finally dies. A ceremony is again held at the same place, and at the end of the ceremony the pallbearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out, "Watch the wall!"

---------------

You know you are Italian

Do you know why most men from Italy are named Tony? On the boat over to America they put a sticker on them that said TO NY..

You know you're Italian when . . .You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day and still cry when your mother yells at you.

You carry your lunch in a produce bag because you can't fit two Cappicola sandwiches, 4 oranges, 2 bananas and pizzelles into a regular lunch bag.

Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant, travel agent and lawyer are all your cousins.

You have at least 5 cousins living in the same town or street. All five Of those cousins are named after your grandfather or grandmother.

You are on a first name basis with at least 8 banquet hall owners.

You only get one good shave from a disposable razor.

If someone in your family grows beyond 5' 9", it is presumed his Mother had an affair.

There are more than 28 people in your bridal party.

You netted more than $50,000 on your first communion.

And you REALLY, REALLY know you're Italian when: 

Your grandfather had a fig tree.

You eat Sunday dinner at 2:00.

Christmas Eve . . . only fish.

Your mom's meatballs are the best.

You've been hit with a wooden spoon or had a shoe thrown at you.

Plastic on the furniture is normal.

You know how to pronounce "manicotti" and "mozzarella."

You fight over whether it's called "sauce" or "gravy."

Funny: Some jokes

Every Friday afternoon, a mathematician goes down to the bar, sits in the second-to-last seat, turns to the last seat, which is empty, and asks a girl who isn't there if he can buy her a drink.

The bartender, who is used to weird university types, always shrugs but keeps quiet. But when Valentine's Day arrives, and the mathematician makes a particularly heart-wrenching plea into empty space, curiosity gets the better of the bartender, and he says, "I apologize for my stupid questions, but surely you know there is NEVER a woman sitting in that last stool. Why do you persist in asking out empty space?"

The mathematician replies, "Well, according to quantum physics, empty space is never truly empty. Virtual particles come into existence and vanish all the time. You never know when the proper wave function will
collapse and a girl might suddenly appear there."

The bartender raises his eyebrows. "Really? Interesting. But couldn't you just ask one of the girls who comes here every Friday if you could buy HER a drink? Never know --she might say yes."

The mathematician laughs. "Yeah, right -- how likely is THAT to happen?"

-------------------------

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman. He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the policeman's credibility...

Q: "Officer -- did you see my client fleeing the scene?"

A: "No sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away."

Q: "Officer -- who provided this description?"

A: "The officer who responded to the scene."

Q: "A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?"

A: "Yes, sir. With my life."

Q: "With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?"

A: "Yes sir, we do!"

Q: "And do you have a locker in the room?"

A: "Yes sir, I do."

Q: "And do you have a lock on your locker?"

A: "Yes sir."

Q: "Now why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?"

A: "You see, sir -- we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room."

Funny: Some jokes

One woman talking to another on the telephone: "I ran into an old friend from high school the other day and she looked marvelous! She hadn't gained an ounce, and she didn't have a single wrinkle - so I ran into her again."

---------------------------

A woman went to traffic violation court for speeding, lost the argument as it always happens, and paid the fine.

The police clerk issued her a receipt for her payment of fine. The lady annoyed at her defeat in the court asked him curtly, "What am I supposed to do with this?"

"Keep it," the clerk advised politely. "When you get three of them, you get a bicycle, Ma'am!"

----------------------

Nearing the end, Paul is surrounded by his loved ones. As the final moment approaches, he whispers, "I must tell you my greatest secret."

His family urges him to go on.

"Before I got married, I had it all," Paul explains, "I had fast cars, cute girls and plenty of money. But a good friend warned me, 'Get married and start a family. Otherwise, no one will be there to give you a glass of water to drink when you're on your deathbed.'  So I took his advice. I traded the girls for a wife, beer for baby food. I sold my Ferrari and invested in college funds. And now here we are. And you know what?"

"What?" they all chorused.

"I'm not even thirsty!"

Funny: Some jokes

Bob, an experienced sky diver, was getting ready for a jump one day when he spotted another man outfitted to dive wearing dark glasses, carrying a white cane and holding a seeing-eye dog by an extremely long leash.

Shocked that the blind man was also going to jump, Bob struck up a conversation, expressing his admiration for the man's courage.

Then, curious, he asked, "How do you know when the ground is getting close?"

"Easy," replied the blind man. "The leash goes slack."

---------------------------

The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby.

Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.

"Was it my friend Sam", he demanded.

"No !" his weeping wife replied.

"Was it my friend Jim then?" he asked.

"NO !!!" she said even more upset.

"Well which one of my no good friends did this then?" he asked.

"Don't you think I have any friends of my own?" she snapped.

----------------------

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE JOB BURNOUT WHEN....

10. You're so tired, you now answer the phone with "Go to Hell."

9. Your friends call to ask how you've been, and you immediately scream, "Stop asking me all these damn questions!"

8. Your garbage can IS your "In" box.

7. You wake up to discover your house is on fire, but go back to sleep because you just don't care.

6. You consider a 40 hour week a vacation.

5. Visions of the upcoming weekend help you make it through Monday.

4. You don't set your alarm anymore because you know your pager will go off before your alarm does.

3. You leave for a party and instinctively bring your ID badge.

2. Your DayTimer/Work Planner exploded a week ago.

And the NUMBER ONE sign that you are burned out because of work.....

1. You think about how relaxing it would be if you were in jail right now.

Funny: Some jokes

A lady golfer visits a driving range to tone up before a game. She is about to drive her first ball off the mat when she notices the man next to her.

"Pardon me, sir," she said. "You are aiming in the wrong direction - back towards the golf shop."

"Oy! - tanks for dat. Vitout you, I vouldn't know. I'm half blind."

He then turned around and started hitting out into the range. After a few minutes, he asked the lady how he was doing.

"Not bad," she answered. "Most of your shots are straight and fairly long.

Only a few of them are slicing."

"Tanks, again, Miss," he replied. "Vitout you telling, I vouldn't know dese tings."

A few shots later, he inquired again, "Do you mind I should ask a poisonal qvestion?"

"Not at all," she replied.

"I don't do vell vit the ladies. Am I ugly or fett or vat?"

"You're quite presentable," she replied. "I don't think that is your problem.

Smiling now, he exulted, "Vat a relief. I vas always afraid to ask. Again, I got to tank you."

He was about to hit another ball when the girl interrupted him. "Do you mind if I give you a bit of advice?" she asked.

"Vit gladness, dank gott. All the help you got I vill take," he answered.

"Get rid of your Jewish accent," she replied, "you're Chinese."

-----------------------

I was frustrated with my teenage son's unwillingness to prepare even the most simple meal for himself. "David," I said in exasperation one night, "all I've done is taken food out of the freezer and heated it in the microwave. You could do that. You know how to push buttons, right?"

"Well," he replied, "I know how to push yours."

Humor: YOU KNOW YOU'RE A MUM WHEN …

* Your feet stick to marmalade on the kitchen floor..... and you don't care.

* When the kids are fighting, you threaten to lock them in a room together and not let them out until someone's bleeding.

* You can't find your cordless phone, so you ask a friend to call you, and you run around the house madly, following the sound until you locate the phone downstairs in the laundry basket.

* Your idea of a good day is making it through without a child leaking bodily fluids on you.

* Your favorite television show is a cartoon.

* You're willing to kiss your child's boo-boo, regardless of what body part it happens to be on.

* You're so desperate for adult conversation that you spill your guts to the telemarketer that calls and
HE hangs up on YOU!

* Spit is your number one cleaning agent.

* You buy cereal with marshmallows in it.

* You count the hundreds and thousands on each kid's fairy cake to make sure they're equal.

* You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

* You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

* Your kid throws up and you catch it.

* You cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; but your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun anyway.

* You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

Funny: Some jokes

Two old ladies were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress.

One leaned over and said, "Life is so damned boring. We never have any fun anymore. For $5.00, I'd take my clothes off and streak through that stupid flower show!"

"You're on!" said the other old lady, holding up a $5.00 bill.

As fast as she could, the first little old lady fumbled her way out of her clothes and, completely naked, streaked through the front door of the flower show.

Waiting outside, her friend soon heard a huge commotion inside the hall, followed by loud applause.

The naked lady burst out through the door surrounded by a cheering crowd.

"What happened?" asked her waiting friend.

"I won first prize as Best Dried Arrangement"

-------------------------

The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:
1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Foreploy: Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

5. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite
period.

6. Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

7. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

8. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

9. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

10. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the
Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido: All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

18. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an asshole

Funny: Some jokes

The family had spent the day moving from their farmhouse into a new apartment house in town. Very early the next morning, the 3 1/2-year-old ran into their bedroom to wake them up. Mom dressed him and told him to play in the yard and let them rest for a while longer.

About 20 minutes later, he came running back. "Mommy, Mommy," he exclaimed, "everybody has doorbells ... and they all work!"

------------------

A skinhead and his girlfriend were walking down Main Street when she spotted a beautiful diamond ring in a
jewelry store window. "Wow, I'd sure love to have that!" she said.

"No problem, baby," the skinhead said, throwing a brick through the glass and grabbing the ring.

A few blocks later, his girlfriend was admiring a black leather jacket in another shop window. "What I'd give
to own that!" she said.

"Sure thing, darling," the skinhead said, throwing another brick through the window and snatching the
coat.

Finally, turning for home, they pass a Mercedes car dealership. "Boy, I'd do anything for one of those!"
she said to her boyfriend.

"Damn, baby!" the skinhead cried. "Do you think I'm made of bricks?"

-----------------

A newlywed sailor was transferred to a remote island in the South Pacific for 2 years. He soon began to miss his new wife, so he wrote her a letter.

"My darling," he wrote, "it looks like we're going to be apart for a very long time. Already I'm starting to miss you and there's really not much to do here in the evenings. Besides that, we're constantly surrounded by attractive young native girls. Do you think if I had a hobby of some kind I would not be so tempted?"

So his wife sent him back a harmonica saying,  "Why don't you learn to play this?"

Eventually his tour of duty came to an end and he rushed back to his wife. "Darling," he said, "I can't wait to get you into bed so that we can make passionate love!"

"First, let me see you play that harmonica!"

Funny: Some jokes

A Pennsylvania State Trooper pulled a car over on I-81 about 2 miles north of the Pa/Md state line. When the Trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver answered that he was a magician and a juggler and he was on his way to Harrisburg to do a show that night at the Zembo Shrine Circus and didn't want to be late.

The Trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Trooper that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Trooper told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Trooper got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler. While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.  A drunk got out and watched the performance briefly.  He then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Trooper observed him doing this and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well take me to jail, cause there's no way I can pass that test!"

------------------------

As a Dominican sister, I lived in a convent named for a deceased pope. One day while I was wearing contemporary clothes instead of my habit, I drove into a gas station to get the communal car filled up.

After the young attendant topped off the tank, he walked toward my car window to return my credit card.  It was clear from his furrowed brow that he had something on his mind. The young man looked at me shyly and pointed to the convent's name, John XXIII Hall, imprinted on the card.

"Pardon me," he asked hesitantly, "but how do you pronounce your husband's middle name?"

--------------------

A couple were discussing their wallpaper, which had just been hung.

Debbie was annoyed at Dave's indifference to what he felt was a poor job. "The problem is that I'm a perfectionist and you're not," she finally said to him.

"Exactly!" he replied. "That's why you married me and I married you!"

Humor: You know you're getting older .................

- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

- Things you buy now won't wear out.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.

- You start video taping daytime game shows.

- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macram .

- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

- You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

- You look both ways before crossing a room.

- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You take a metal detector to the beach.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You know what the word "equity" means.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel.

- You can go bowling without drinking.

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

- You don't remember being absent minded.

- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

- Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet

Funny: Some jokes

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to
donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and they requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."

-----------------------

A man is in court for murder and the judge says, "You are charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

Then a voice at the back of the court yells, "You liar!"

The judge glares and then continues, "You are also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."

Again the voice at the back of the court shouts, "You dirty liar!"

The judge angrily addresses the voice and says, "Now, we cannot have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you with contempt. What is the problem anyway?"

The man at the back of the court who's been shouting calls out, "Fifteen years I lived next door to that liar and, every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one! ..."

-----------------

Two nuns were in the back of the convent smoking a cigarette, when one said, 'It's bad enough that we have to
sneak out here to smoke, but it really is a problem getting rid of the butts so that Mother Superior doesn't find them.'

The second nun said, 'I've found a marvelous invention called a condom which works really well for this problem. You just open the packet up, take out the condom, and put the cigarette butt in, roll it up, and dispose of it all later.'

The first nun was quite impressed and asked where she could find them.

'You get them at a chemist, sister. Just go and ask the pharmacist for them.'

The next day the good sister went to the chemist and walked up to the counter.

'Good morning, sister,' the chemist said, 'what can I do for you today?'

'I'd like some condoms please,' said the nun.

The chemist was a little taken aback, but recovered soon enough and asked, 'How many boxes would you like? There are 12 to a box.'

'I'll take six boxes. That should last about a week,' said the nun.

The pharmacist was truly flabbergasted by this time and was almost afraid to ask any more questions. But his
professionalism prevailed and he asked in a clear voice.

'Sister, what size condoms would you like? We have large, extra large, and the big liar size.'

The sister thought for a minute and finally said: 'I'm not certain, perhaps you could recommend a good size
for a Camel?'

Funny: Some jokes

The Washington POST asked its readers to supply the beginning of a sentence that you don't want to hear the end of:

"It looks like when they built your basement, they did a kind of funny thing..."

"Sir, uh, me and your daughter..."

"Mom, I know you said I couldn't get my ears pierced, so..."

"In what experts are emphasizing is merely a long-overdue market correction..."

"We are now making our approach to National Airport, and I have locked the cabin door and lit seven candles, as commanded by my dog Buster, and..."

"First, I'd like to thank the academy..."


-------------------
You know you're getting older .................

- When your doctor doesn't give you x-rays anymore but just holds you up to the light.

- When a sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door nearest you.

- When you remember when the Dead Sea was only sick.

- When your wife says, "Let's go upstairs and make love" and you answer, "Honey, I can't do both!"

- Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.

- When you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

- You know you're getting old when your semi-annual erection becomes an annual semi-erection!

- You and your teeth don't sleep together.

- Your back goes out, but you stay home.

- You wake up, looking like your driver's license picture.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- Your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

- Happy hour is a nap.

- When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure that the street is still there.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- Your memory is shorter and your complaining is longer.

- The pharmacist has become you new best friend.

- The twinkle in your eye is only the reflection of the sun on your bifocals.

- You look for your glasses for a half an hour, and then find that they were on your head all the time.

- You get two invitations to go out on the same night, and you pick the one that gets you home the earliest.

- You give up all your bad habits and you still don't feel good.

- You have more patience; but actually, it's just that you don't care any more.

- You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

- You confuse having a clear conscience with having a bad memory.

- You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

- You don't know real embarrassment until your hip sets off a metal detector.

- Let's face it, traveling just isn't as much fun when all the historical sites are younger than you are.

- Every time you suck in your gut, your ankles swell.

- You're suffering from Mallzheimer's disease. You go to the mall and forget where I parked my car.

- Age always corresponds inversely to the size of your multi-vitamin.

- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

- It's harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.

- If you've never smoked, you can start now and it won't have time to hurt you.

- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

- Your eyes won't get much worse.

- Adult diapers are actually kind of convenient.

- Things you buy now won't wear out.

- No one expects you to run into a burning building.

- There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.

- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

- You're sitting on a park bench, and a Boy Scout comes up and helps you cross your legs.

- You light the candles on your birthday cake, and a group of campers form a circle and start singing "Kumbaya."

- Someone compliments you on your layered look.... and you're wearing a bikini.

- You start video taping daytime game shows.

- You wonder why you waited so long to take up macram .

- At cafeterias, you complain that the gelatin is too tough.

- Your new easy chair has more options than your car.

- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

- It takes a couple of tries to get over a speed bump.

- You're on a TV game show and you decide to risk it all and go for the rocker.

- You find yourself beginning to like accordion music.

- You begin every other sentence with, "Nowadays..."

- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.

- You look both ways before crossing a room.

- You come to the conclusion that your worst enemy is gravity.

- You frequently find yourself telling people what a loaf of bread USED to cost.

- You realize that a stamp today costs more than a picture show did when you were growing up.

- Your childhood toys are now in a museum.

- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

- The car that you bought brand new becomes an antique.

- You're asleep, but others worry that you're dead.

- Your back goes out more than you do.

- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.

- You are proud of your lawn mower.

- Your best friend is dating someone half their age and isn't breaking any laws.

- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.

- You sing along with the elevator music.

- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.

- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.

- You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.

- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

- Neighbors borrow your tools.

- People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"

- You send money to PBS.

- The end of your tie doesn't come anywhere near the top of your pants.

- You take a metal detector to the beach.

- You wear black socks with sandals.

- You know what the word "equity" means.

- You can't remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch television.

- Your ears are hairier than your head.

- You talk about "good grass" and you're referring to someone's lawn.

- You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

- You got cable for the weather channel.

- You can go bowling without drinking.

- You have a party and the neighbors don't even realize it.

- Everything that works hurts, and what doesn't hurt doesn't work.

- You feel like the morning after, and you haven't been anywhere.

- Your little black book only contains names ending in M.D.

- Your children are beginning to look middle-aged.

- Your mind makes contracts your body can't keep.

- You look forward to a dull evening.

- Your knees buckle and your belt won't.

- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.

- You know all the answers, but nobody asks the questions.

- You don't remember when your wild oats turned to prunes and all bran.

- You finally got your head together, now your body is falling apart.

- You don't remember being absent minded.

- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

- Tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet

Funny: Some jokes

One day my husband decided to wash his sweatshirt.

Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"

"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"

He yelled back, "Detroit Red Wings."

----------------------

You know you've lost your status of "Cool" when:

You find yourself listening to talk radio.

You daughter says she got pierced and you look at her ears.

The pattern on your shorts and couch match.

You fondly remember your powder blue leisure suit.

Your wife buys a flannel nighty and you find that sexy.

You think "Tragically Hip" is when a middle-aged man gets a new sports car, hair piece and a 20 year old girlfriend.

You criticize the kids of today for their satanic suicide-inducing music,forgetting that you rocked to Alice Cooper and Black Sabbath.

You call the police on a noisy party next door instead of grabbing beer and joining them.

You turn down free tickets to a rock concert because you have to work the next day.

When grass is something that you cut, not cultivate.

When jogging is something you do to your memory.

Rocking all night means dozing off in your rocking chair.

Sex becomes "all that foolishness."

Getting a little action means your prune juice is working.

All the cars behind you turn on their headlights.

You bought your first car for the same price you paid for your son's new running shoes.

You actually ASK for your father's advice.

Funny: Some jokes

A man went to his barber to get a haircut before he left on a trip to Rome.

He was telling his barber about the trip when the barber said, "Rome? Why would anyone go there? It's crowded and dirty! So, how are you getting there?"

"We're flying on TWA," the man told him.

"TWA?" exclaimed the barber. "That's a terrible choice! The planes are old and the flight attendants are ugly. Where are you staying in Rome?"

"Oh, we're at the downtown Marriott."

"What? That dump with its overpriced rooms and poor service? Well, what are you doing when you get there?" the barber griped.

"Going to the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"Yeah? Well good luck. A million people want to see the Pope. You'll never get close. But good luck to you. You'll probably need it."

Finishing the cut, the barber handed him his coat.

A month later, the man was back for another cut.

The barber asked about the trip to Rome. "Oh, it was wonderful. We were on a brand new plane and it was so overcrowded we got bumped to first class, where a beautiful young stewardess waited on us hand and
foot. And the hotel was fantastic! They had just finished remodeling and were overbooked, so they gave us the presidential suite at no extra charge!

"Well, I know you didn't get to see the Pope," the surly barber grumbled.

"Oh, but we did!" the man exclaimed. "We toured the Vatican and were chosen to personally meet the Pope! I actually knelt down as he spoke a few words to me!"

"Really?" the barber wondered, impressed despite himself. "What did he say?"

"He said, 'Where'd you get that lousy haircut?'"

--------------------

Two nuns decide they're going to sneak out of the convent and have a real night on the town.

They hit all the bars and dance clubs, and decide they've finally got to head back to the convent.

To enter the convent's grounds they have to crawl under some barbed wire. The nuns start crawling under the wire on their bellies.

As they're crawling under the wire, the first nun turns to the second and says, "I feel like a marine."

The second replies, "Yeah, me too, but where can you find one this time of night?"

Funny: Some jokes

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - it’s too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

-------------------------

"Hey, Judi, how'd your ski weekend go?" Monika asked.

"The good news was I shared the cabin with these two drop dead
gorgeous men!"

"Oooo! That must have been wonderful! What's the bad news?"

"They were engaged to each other."

Funny: Some jokes

A lady goes into the butcher shop and as she is walking around the store, she spies a beef tongue in the butcher's counter. The lady asks, "What in the world is that?"

"Beef tongue," replies the butcher.

The lady gives a little involuntary shudder, "No way would I put anything in my mouth that came out of an animal's mouth!"

The butcher nods sympathetically while peeking into the woman's shopping cart, "I see you're buying a dozen eggs..."

---------------

The elementary school teacher was trying impress upon the seventh-grade history class how Native Americans must have felt when they first encountered the Spanish explorers.

"How would you feel," said she, "if someone showed up on your doorstep who looked very different, spoke a strange language and wore unusual clothes? Wouldn't you be a bit scared?"

"Nah," one boy answered, "I'd just figure it was my sister's date..."

----------------

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.

If you stay at home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.

If you don't, you are insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.

If you don't, you are gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.

If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.

If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.

If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.

If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed.

If you don't, there must be someone else.

Funny: Some jokes

Seems this Catholic priest was feeling despondent over being posted to a dry, desert parish. He wrote letters to his bishop constantly, requesting that he be posted somewhere more hospitable. No reply to his letters ever came, and soon the letters stopped.

Some time later, when the archbishop was making the rounds of the rural churches, he stopped in to see how the unhappy priest was doing. He found a pleasant man, in an air-conditioned church. There were no parishioners, since the closest neighbors were many miles away. The archbishop admitted to some confusion, since the priest did not look like the desperate writer of so many letters. He asked the priest how he liked it out in the desert.

"At first I was unhappy. But thanks to two things I have grown to love it out here in the sparse desert."

"And they are?" the archbishop inquired.

"The first is my Rosary. Without my Rosary I wouldn't make it a day out here."

"And the second?"

At this the priest looked askance. "Well, to be honest, I have developed a taste for martinis in the afternoon. They help to alleviate the heat during the worst part of the day." He looked sheepish at this admission, but the archbishop just smiled.

"Martinis, eh? Well, that's not so bad. In fact, I'd be glad to share one with you right now, if you don't mind that is."

"Not at all!" the priest exulted. "Let me get one for you right away."

Turning to the back of the church, the priest shouted, "Oh, Rosary..."

-------------------------

A man goes to the police station to talk to the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

"You'll get your chance in court," said the Desk Sergeant, when he asked what the man wanted.

"No, no, no!" says the man. "I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that for years!"

Funny: Some jokes

After months of negotiation with the local government, a Jewish scholar from Odessa was granted permission to visit Moscow. He boarded the train and found an empty seat.

At the next stop a young man got on and sat next to him. The scholar looked at the young man and thought: "This fellow doesn't look like a peasant, and if he isn't a peasant he probably comes from this district. If he comes from this district, he must be Jewish because this is, after all, the Jewish district."

"On the other hand, if he is a Jew where could he be going? I'm the only one in our district who has permission to travel to Moscow. Wait - just outside Moscow there is a little village called Samvet, and you don't need special permission to go there."

"But why would he be going to Samvet? He's probably going to visit one of the Jewish families there and there are just two of them - the Bernsteins and the Steinbergs. The Bernsteins are a terrible family, so he must be visiting the Steinbergs."

"But why is he going? The Steinbergs have no sons and three daughters, so maybe he's their son-in-law. But if he is, then which daughter did he marry? Sarah married that nice lawyer from Budapest and Esther married a businessman from Zhadomir, so it must be Sarah's husband. Which means that his name is Alexander Cohen, if I'm not mistaken."

"But if he comes from Budapest, with all the anti-Semitism they have there, he must have changed his name. What's the Hungarian equivalent of Cohen? Kovacs. But if he changed his name he must have some special status. What could it be? A doctorate from the University."

At this point the scholar turns to the young man and said, "How do you do, Dr. Kovacs?"

"Very well, thank you, sir" answered the startled passenger. "But how is it that you know my name?"

"Oh," replied the scholar, "it was obvious".

-------------------

A drunk was proudly showing off his new apartment to a couple of his friends late one night.

He led the way to his bedroom where there was a big brass gong and a mallet.

What's with that big brass gong?" one of the guests asked.

It's not a gong. It's a talking clock", the drunk replied. A talking clock? Seriously?" asked his astonished friend.

"Yup", replied the drunk.

How's it work?" the friend asked, squinting at it.

"Watch", the drunk replied. He picked up the mallet, gave the gong an ear-shattering pound, and stepped back.

The three stood looking at one another for a moment.

Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screamed, "You asshole! It's three-fifteen in the morning!