Jokes

1. A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol.He
put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of
whiskey. The worm in the water lived, while the one in the whiskey
curled up and died.

"All right, son," asked the father, "what does that show you?".
"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink alcohol, you will not have worms."


2. Bumper Stickers

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

This is not an abandoned vehicle.

I don't lie, cheat or steal unnecessarily.

It's as bad as you think and they are out to get you.

Life's too short to dance with ugly men.

Life's too short to dance with ugly women.

My wife says if I go fishing one more time, she's going
to leave me. Gosh, I'm going to miss her.

When you do a good deed get a receipt (in case
heaven is like the IRS).

I is a college student.

Sex on television can't hurt you unless you fall off.

Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Eschew obfuscation.

Happiness is seeing your mother-in-law's face on the
back of a milk carton.

It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.

Don't steal. The government hates competition.

Never play leap frog with a unicorn.

Nobody's ugly after 2 a.m.

I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?

Smile. It's the second best thing you can do with your lips.

Don't laugh. Your daughter could be in this vehicle.

Friends don't let friends drive naked.

There's one in every crowd and they always find me.

If money could talk, it would say goodbye.

When you're in love, you're at the mercy of a stranger.

Just when you think you've won the rat race along
come faster rats.

The worst day fishing is better than the best day
working.

An Irishman is not drunk so long as he can hold on to
one blade of grass and not fall off the earth.

I may be fat but you're ugly, and I can lose weight.


3. One day an out of work mime is visiting the zoo and attempts to earn
some money as a street performer.

Unfortunately, as soon as he starts to draw a crowd, a zoo keeper
grabs him and drags him into his office.

The zoo keeper explains to the mime that the zoo's most popular
attraction, a gorilla, has died suddenly and the keeper fears that
attendance at the zoo will fall off.

He offers the mime a job to dress up as a gorilla until they can get
another one.

The mime accepts the job.

So the next morning the mime puts on the gorilla suit and enters the
cage before the crowd comes.

He discovers that it's a great job.

He can sleep all he wants, play and make fun of people and he draws
bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime.

However, eventually the crowds tire of him and he tires of just
swinging on tires.

He begins to notice that the people are paying more attention to the
lion in the cage next to his.

Not wanting to lose the attention of the audience, he climbs to the
top of his cage, crawls across a partition, and dangles from the top
of the lion's cage.

Of course, this makes the lion furious, but the crowd loves it.

At the end of the day the zoo keeper comes and gives the mime a raise
for being such a good attraction as a gorilla.

Well, this goes on for some time, the mime keeps taunting the lion,
the crowds grow larger, and his salary keeps going up.

Then one terrible day when he is dangling over the furious lion he
slips and falls.

The mime is terrified.

The lion gathers himself and prepares to pounce.

The mime is so scared that he begins to run round and round the cage
with the lion close behind.

Finally, the mime starts screaming and yelling, "Help, help me!", but
the lion is quick and pounces.

The mime soon finds himself flat on his back looking up at the angry
lion and the lion says.....

"Shut up you idiot! Do you want to get us both fired?"



4. Caller: "Can you give me the telephone number for Jack?".

Operator: "I'm sorry, sir, I don't understand who you are talking about".

Caller: "On page 1, section 5, of the user guide it clearly states
that I need to unplug the fax machine from the mains wall socket and
telephone Jack before cleaning. Now, can you give me the number for Jack?".

Operator: "I think you mean the telephone socket on the wall".



5. One night, a bunch of army recruits were lounging in their bunks.

It was a warm evening, and one chap was nice and comfortable in the
altogether.

Suddenly the bugle sounded for roll call.

There wasn't time to dress; so he grabbed his trench coat and
buttoned it up tight.

Roll call went off all right, but then they decided to have clothing
inspection.

When they came to the GI in the trench coat, he was ordered to open it.

The officer looked him up and down, then said, "That's a strange uniform."

"It was the first one issued to me, sir." replied the recruit.