Jokes

1. A man and a woman were having dinner in a fine restaurant. The woman
had gone to powder her nose when, suddenly, the man slid down his
chair and under the table. When woman returned, she looked calm and
unaware of what had happened.

A waitress who saw the whole thing came over to the table and said to
the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid
under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and replied, "No he didn't. He just
walked in the door."


2. A guy goes to the Government to interview for a job.

The interviewer asks him, "Are you a veteran?"

"Yes, I served two tours in Vietnam."

"Good, that counts in your favour. Do you have any service-related
disabilities?"

"I am 100% disabled. A mortar round blew off my testicles so they
declared me disabled, it doesn't affect my ability to work, though."

"Sorry to hear about the damage, but I have some good news for you, I
can hire you right now! Our working hours are 8 to 4. Come on in
about 10,and we'll get you started."

If working hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me to come at 10?"

"Well, here at the government, we don't do anything but sit around
and scratch our balls for the first two hours. No point of your
coming in for that"



3. One day, an young girl is walking through a park when she hears a faint
"help me, help me". She looks around and follows the quiet voice to a bush
near the path.

Looking under the bush she spies a little green frog trapped under a log.
The girl moves the log and picks up the frog.

"Oh, thank you, thank you" says the frog, "Take me home and put me on your
pillow and in the morning I'll be a handsome Prince."

So the girl takes the frog home and puts him on the pillow and there in the
morning is a handsome prince.

You don't believe that? Neither did her mother!



4. The father sends a small boy to bed.

Five minutes later...."Da-ad...."

"What?"

"I'm thirsty. Can you bring water?"

"No. You had your chance. Lights out."

Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."

"WHAT?"

"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"

"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"

Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."

"WHAT!"

"When you come in to spank me, can you bring some water?"



5. In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who
occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone:

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I
had to make. I found the number and dialed it. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello?"

I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to
Robin Carter?"

Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that
anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and
called her.

She had transposed the last two digits.

After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on
my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same person once more
answered, I yelled, "You're a jackass!" and hung up. Next to his
phone number I wrote the word "jackass" and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks when I was paying bills or had a really bad
day, I'd call him up. He would answer and I'd yell, "You're a
jackass!" It always cheered me up.

Later in the year the phone company introduced caller ID. This was a
real disappointment for me. I would have to stop calling the jackass.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number and heard his voice. "Hello?"

I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales office of the telephone
company and I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with our new
caller ID program."

He answered, "No!" and slammed down the receiver.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're a jackass!"

The reason I'm taking the time to tell you this story is to show you
how if there's ever anything bothering you, you can do something
about it. Just dial 555-1212.

(Keep reading, it gets better.)

One day an old lady at the mall was really taking her time pulling
out of her parking space. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move ever so slowly and she began backing
out. I backed up a little more to give her plenty of room. Great, I
thought, she's finally leaving.

All of a sudden this black Camero came flying up the parking aisle in
the wrong direction and pulled into her space. I started honking my
horn and yelling, "You can't do that, buddy! I was here first!"

The guy got out of his Camero completely ignoring me. He walked
toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I thought to myself,
this guy is a jackass. There sure are a lot of jackasses in this
world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in the back window of his
car. I wrote down the number. Then I hunted for another place to park.

The next day I was at home sitting at my desk. I had just gotten off
the phone after calling 555-1212 and yelling, "You're a jackass!"
(It's really easy to call him now since I have his number on speed dial.)

Then I noticed the phone number of the guy with the black Camaro and
decided to call him too. After a couple of rings someone answered the
phone. I asked, "Are you the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes."

"Can you tell me where I can see it?"

"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the
car is parked right out front."

I asked, "What's your name?"

"My name is Don Hansen."

"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"

"I'm home in the evenings."

"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"Don, you're a jackass!" And I slammed the phone down. After I hung
up I added Don's number to my speed dialer. Now I had two jackasses
to call whenever I had a bad day. However this wasn't as much fun as
it used to be. So I thought about it and came up with a solution.

First, I had my phone dial jackass #1. The man answered nicely and I
yelled, "You're a jackass!" But I didn't hang up.

The jackass said, "Are you still there?"

I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Stop calling me."

I said, "No!"

He said, "What's your name, pal?"

I said, "Don Hansen."

He said, "Where do you live?"

"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black Camaro is
parked out front."

"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying your prayers."

"Yeah, like I'm really scared, Jackass!" And I hung up.

Then I called Jackass #2. He answered, "Hello."

I said, "Hello, jackass!"

He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."

"You'll what?"

"I'll kick your butt."

"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, jackass!"

And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police. I
told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to kill
my gay lover as soon as he got home. Another quick call to Channel 13
news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street. After that I
climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to watch the whole
thing. Glorious!

I watched two jackasses kicking the crap out of each other in front
of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter I also taped it off the evening news!