Jokes

1. A burglar broke into the house of a Quaker in the middle of the night
and started to rob it.

The Quaker heard the noise and went downstairs with his shotgun.

When he found the burglar he pointed his gun at him and said most
gently, "Friend, I mean thee no harm, but thou standest where I am
about to shoot!"


2. Joe's wife bought a new line of expensive cosmetics guaranteed to
make her look years younger.

After a lengthy sitting before the mirror applying the "miracle"
products, she asked, "Darling, honestly, what age would you say I am?"

Looking over her carefully, Joe replied, "Judging from your skin,
twenty; your hair, eighteen; and your figure, twenty five."

"Oh, you flatterer!" she gushed.

"Hey, wait a minute!" Joe interrupted. "I haven't added them up yet."


3. More Helpful Hints

Housewives: When nipping out to the shops, remember to
carry a stiff broom in the boot of your car. Use it to
sweep the broken glass to the side of the road every
time you have a minor accident.

Girls: Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply
get pissed, lie in a sand pit in your garden and shag
every bloke who looks at you over the fence.

Bus Drivers: Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging
your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing
the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling
back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

International Master Criminals: Tell your guards to
shoot James Bond in the head at the first opportunity.
Under no circumstances give him a guided tour of your
base, or leave him in the custody of attractive women
in bikinis.

Dyslexics: Try deliberately spelling words wrongly. This
way at least you have a chance of spelling them correctly.


4. A sadist and a masochist were put into the same jail cell
and soon found out about each other.

The masochist cried, "Oh, hurt me, pinch me, humiliate me.
Please cause me pain!"

The sadist looked at him and said, "No!"


5. A man walks into a bar in London and ordered 3-glasses of beer and sits in the backyard of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes, he comes back to the bar counter and orders 3 more.

The bartender asks him, "You know, beer goes flat after I fill it in the glass; it would taste better if you buy one at a time."

The man replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. one is in Dubai, the other in Canada and I'm here in London.

When they left home, we promised that we'll drink this way to remember the days when we drank together.

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The man became a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. He order 3-Beers and drinks them in turn.

One day, he came in and ordered only 2-Beers All the other regulars notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my sincere condolences on your great loss. "

The man looked confused for a moment, then he laughs .... "Oh, no," he said, "Everyone's fine - both my brothers are alive" .

" The only thing is

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I just quit drinking!!!