Jokes

1. Mike goes to a psychiatrist. "Doc, he says, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed I think there is somebody under it. I get under the bed and I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, under top. I'm going crazy!! Can you help me?

"Put yourself in my hands for two years, come to me three times a week and I'll cure you," says the shrink.

"OK, but how much do you charge for this?, asks Mike."

"A hundred dollars per visit," says the psychiatrist.

And Mike replies, "I'll think about it."

He never went back. Some time later he met the doctor on the street. "Why didn't you come to see me again?," asks the psychiatrist.

"$100.00 a visit," Mike says. "Why should I want to pay a hundred bucks a visit? My bartender cured me 100% for just ten dollars."

"Is that so! says the shrink. "Just how did he do that?"

And Mike says, "He told me to cut the legs off my bed."


2. In Thailand, when a male reaches the age of 18 they are invited to participate in a ceremony of passage to adulthood, which is celebrated in the center of the village, surrounding the central fire and attended by the all the natives in residence, and accompanied by considerable consumption of food an drink amid singing, dancing and all manner of joyous festivities.

At the appointed time the native boys that are reaching maturity are formed into a large circle around the fire and stand there motionless and stark naked facing inward towards the fire.

Then, accompanied by a haunting musical rendition of native music, the most beautiful girl in the village is honered to perform a sexy dance, naked, around the inner center circle.

Behind each boy is a naked native girl that he cannot see.. As soon as all the males are excited and have erections, the girls behind them reach between their legs, and pull their erect unit downward and back through and then on a signal all release them.

Their units spring back up and go loudly "WHAP" against their bellies. This is considered measurement of their strength and of youthful masculinity.

And that's why the capital of Thailand is called Bangkok.


3. A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland. She found herself seated next to a nice priest whom she asked: Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under your cassock?"

Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not lie."

You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask you any questions", and she gave him the ! 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my son, he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument destined for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father. Next!"


4. Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.

"Nope," Jimmy replied.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.

"Nope."

"You didn't steal it did you?"

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father