Jokes

1. Men often consider blowing off the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever get to telling a woman it's over is to look her straight in the eye and say, "I'll call you next week." But now there is a great way to blow a woman off. It's safe, it's affordable, and the best thing is the female has no opportunity to throw things at you.

It's at your fingertips right now: E-mail!

That's how all the happening, modern kind of guys are telling women they are not worthy. You'll feel like a real man knowing you have told her how you really feel from the safety of your keyboard.

And you can delete her response without ever reading it!

What could be more painless?

Following is an e-mail rejection letter.

Men can use it the next time they need to put their main squeeze on notice. The text of the letter follows:

Dear [her name],

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention to become the future Mrs. [your last name].

As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough this year and dozens of other well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut. I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening become available.

So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavours, please allow me to offer the following reasons you were disqualified from the competition: [Men will check those that apply]

[ ] Your failure to reach for your purse in even a feigned attempt to pay for dinner by the fourth date displayed a stunning ignorance of basic economics.

[ ] Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms and K-Y Jelly by the truckload" indicates that you may be slightly over-qualified for the position.

[ ] You failed the 20 question rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

[ ] The only question you did ask was how much money I make.

[ ] You neglected to reach over and unlock my car door from the inside after I opened the passenger side door for you.

[ ] My breasts are bigger than yours.

[ ] Your height is out of proportion with your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 23 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

[ ] Your revelation that you would certainly allow your ex-boyfriend to shack up with you again after he "beats that domestic abuse rap" shows compassion but it does make it difficult to take you seriously.

[ ] Although your inability to achieve orgasm was of paramount importance to me, your suggestion that we invite the basketball team into the bedroom so it would be "just like college" seemed somewhat extreme and inappropriate.

[ ] I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.

Sincerely,
[Your name]



3. There was once a man and his dog, whom were stranded on an island. One day, the man was really desperate and wanted to have sex real bad, so he went round the island, hoping to find a woman or something. All he found was a wooden barrel. So with that, he poked a hole through the middle of the barrel and screwed till he was satisfied. Ever since then, he used that to fulfill his sexual desires.

One day, his dog, has the sexual urge too, so it decides to use the method that its master have been using.

So the two of them used the barrel until they died.

About 50 years later, the island was founded by a group of old nuns and they built a nunnery there.

One day the Chief Nun found a certain barrel which contained a loadful of wax, so she took it and made them into candles. The candles were then being used to light up the nunnery in the dark until one day, a nun got naughty and decided to satisfy herself with the candles. She throughly enjoyed herself from that.

However, 10 months later, she rushed into the Mother Superior's room and said, "I've got to confess, I used the candle to screw myself 9 months ago and now I have a baby."

Mother Superior then replied, "You're more fortunate my child, I've got a puppy..."



4. Teacher: History is a very interesting subject. It tells you about what
had happened in the past.
Student: Please teacher, I don't think I want to study history.
Teacher: Why?
Student: There is no future in it.
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Teacher: Ted, if your father has $10 and you ask him for $6, how much
would your father still have?
Ted: $10.
Teacher: You don't know maths.
Ted: You don't know my father!
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Mother: David, come here.
David: Yes, mum?
Mother: You really disappoint me. Your results are getting worse.
David: But I will only get my report book tomorrow.
Mother: I know that. But I am going to Hong Kong tomorrow, so I am
scolding you now.
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Father: Why did you fail your mathematics test?
Son: On Monday, teacher said 3+5=8
Father: So?
Son: On Tuesday, she said 4+4=8 And on Wednesday, she said 6+2=8.
If she can't make up her mind, how do I know the right answer?
..........................................................................

A mother and son were doing dishes while the father and daughter were
watching TV in the living room. Suddenly, there was a loud crash of
breaking plates,
then complete silence. The daughter turned to look at her father.

Daughter: It's mummy!
Father: How do you know?
Daughter: She didn't say anything.
..........................................................................

Girl: Do you love me?
Boy: Yes Dear
Girl: Would you die for me?
Boy: No, mine is undying love

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Man: How old is your father?
Boy: As old as me
Man: How can that be?
Boy: He became a father only when I was born

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Waiter: I've stewed liver, boiled tongue and frog's leg.
Customer: Don't tell me your problems. Give me the menu card.

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Teacher: Simon, your composition on "My Dog" is exactly the same as
your
brother's. Did u copy his?
Simon: No, teacher, it's the same dog!

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Father: Your teacher says she finds it impossible to teach you
anything!
Son: That's why I say she's no good!

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Teacher: "Where were u born?"
Student: " Singapore , Sir."
Teacher: "Which part?"
Student: "All of me, Sir."
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A teacher was asking her class: "What is the difference between
'unlawful'
and 'illegal'?" Only one hand shot up.
"Ok, answer, Joan" said the teacher.
"'unlawful' is when u do something the law doesn't allow and 'illegal'
is
a sick eagle."

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Teacher: "How come you do not comb your hair?"
Ah Kow: "No comb, Sir."
Teacher: "Use your dad's then."
Ah Kow: "No hair, Sir."

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A boy came home from school with his exam results.
"What did u get?" asked his father.
"My marks are under water," said the boy.
"What do u mean 'under water'?"
"They are all below 'C' (sea) level"