Jokes

1. I was out walking with my 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off
the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I took the item away from her
and I asked her not to do that. 'Why?' my daughter asked. 'Because it's been
on the ground, you don't know where it's been, it's dirty, and probably has
germs' I replied. At this point, my daughter looked at me with total
admiration and asked, 'Momma, how do you know all this stuff, you are so
smart.' I was thinking quickly. 'All moms know this stuff. It's on the Mom
Test. You have to know it, or they don't let you be a Mom.' We walked along
in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new
information. 'OH...I get it!' she beamed, 'So if you don't pass the test you
have to be the dad. ''Exactly' I replied back with a big smile on my face.


2. A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months,
yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by
him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, " You know what? You have been with
me through all the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me.

When my business failed, you were there.

When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...

You know what?" "What dear?", she gently asked, smiling as her heart began
to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck


3. NASA was interviewing professionals to be sent to Mars. Only one could go, but with one catch - he couldn't return to Earth.

The first applicant, an engineer, was asked how much he wanted to be paid for going. "One million dollars," he answered, "because I want to donate it to M.I.T."

The next applicant, a doctor, was asked the same question. He asked for two million. "I want to give a million to my family," he explained, "and leave the other million for the advancement of medical research." The last applicant was a lawyer. When asked how much money he wanted, he whispered in the interviewer's ear, "Three million dollars."

"Why so much more than the others?" the interviewer asked.

The lawyer replied, "If you give me $3 million, I'll give you $1 million, I'll keep $1 million, and we'll send the engineer."


4. A group of expectant fathers sat nervously in the hall. A nurse
beckoned to one of them and said, "Congratulations, you have a son!"

Another man dropped his magazine, jumped up and cried, "Hey, what's
the idea? I got here two hours before he did!"


5. A few months ago, when I was picking up the children at school,
another mother I knew well, rushed up to me. Emily was fuming with indignation.

"Do you know what you and I are?" she demanded. Before I could answer
- and I didn't really have one handy - she blurted out the reason for
her question.

It seemed she had just returned from renewing her driver's license at
the County Clerk's office. Asked by the woman recorder to state her
"occupation," Emily had hesitated, uncertain how to classify herself.

"What I mean is," explained the recorder, "do you have a job, or are
you just a .?"

"Of course I have a job," snapped Emily. "I'm a mother." "We don't
list 'mother' as an occupation...'housewife' covers it," said the
recorder emphatically.

I forgot all about her story until one day I found myself in the same
situation, this time at our own Town Hall. The Clerk was obviously a
career woman, poised, efficient, and possessed of a high-sounding
title, like "Official Interrogator" or "Town Registrar."

"And what is your occupation?" she probed.

What made me say it, I do not know. The words simply popped out.
"I'm....a Research Associate in the field of Child Development and
Human Relations."

The clerk paused, ball-point pen frozen in midair, and looked up as
though she had not heard right. I repeated the title slowly,
emphasizing the most significant words. Then I stared with wonder as
my pompous pronouncement was written in bold, black ink on the
official questionnaire.

"Might I ask," said the clerk with new interest, "just what you do in
your field?"

Coolly, without any trace of fluster in my voice, I heard myself
reply, "I have a continuing program of research (what mother doesn't)
in the laboratory and in the field (normally I would have said
indoors and out). I'm working for my Masters (the whole darned
family) and already have four credits (all daughters).

Of course, the job is one of the most demanding in the humanities
(any mother care to disagree?) and I often work 14 hours a day (24 is
more like it). But the job is more challenging than most
run-of-the-mill careers and the rewards are in satisfaction rather
than just money."

There was an increasing note of respect in the clerk's voice as she
completed the form, stood up, and personally ushered me to the door.

As I drove into our driveway buoyed up by my glamorous new career, I
was greeted by my lab assistants--age 13, 7, and 3. And upstairs, I
could hear our new experimental model (six months) in the
child-development program, testing out a new vocal pattern.

I felt triumphant. I had scored a beat on bureaucracy! And I had gone
down on the official records as someone more distinguished and
indispensable to mankind than "just another......"

Home...what a glorious career. Especially when there's a title on the door!


6. GOVERNMENT PIPE SPECIFICATIONS

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or
plastic centered around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use
holes of different length than the pipe.

3. The I.D. (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D.
(outside diameter) - otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that water,
steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust - this can be more readily
applied at the job site. N.B. Some Vendors are now able to supply
pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, this product is recommended
as it will save a lot of time on the job site.

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "long
pipe" clearly painted on each end, so the Contractor will know it is a
long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2 km) in length must have the words "very long
pipe" painted in the middle, so the Contractor will not have to walk the
entire length of the pipe to determine whether or not it is a long pipe
or a very long pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152 mm) in diameter must have the words "large
pipe" painted on it, so the Contractor will not mistake it for small
pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes for bolts
quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degrees elbow, be sure
to specify right hand or left hand; otherwise you will end up going the
wrong way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor whether you want level, uphill or
downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill, the water
will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand thread,
but do not mix the threads - otherwise, as the coupling is being screwed
on one pipe, it is unscrewed from the other.



7. Morris picked up her and they went on a picnic in a very secluded spot. Morris
also had been widowed for a long time and found himself very attracted to
Sadie, and despite her resistance at first to his advances, he finally was
able to make love to her.

Sadie was mortified at her lack of self control and sobbed "I don't know how I
can face my daughter, knowing in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!"

Morris said "What do you mean "twice" we only did it once?"

Sadie looked at Morris and said, "...Well, you're going to do it again, aren't
you?"


8. Mr. Jacobson decided to take a week off from the pressures of the
office and went skiing. Alas, no sooner did he reach the slopes than he
heard an ominous rumbling and moments later a sheet of snow came
crashing toward him.

Fortunately, Mr. Jacobson was able to jump into a cave just
before the avalanche hit. Just as fortunately, he had matches with him
and was able to light a fire.

Hours later, when everyone but Mr. Jacobson had returned, a
rescue team was sent to search for him. After several hours they saw
smoke curling from the cave and went to investigate.

Poking his head into the entrance, one of the rescuers yelled,
"Mr. Jacobson, are you there? It's the Red Cross." Bristling, the
harried executive called back, "Get lost. I gave at the office!"