Joke

1. MOTHER-IN-LAW JOKE

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the man's face was
severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft
any skin from his body because he was too skinny. So the wife offered
to donate some of her own skin. However, the only skin on her body
that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from her
buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one
about where the Skin came from, and they requested that the doctor
also honor their secret.

After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was
completed, everyone was astounded at the man's new face. He looked
more handsome than he ever had before! All his friends and relatives
just went on and on about his youthful beauty!

One day, he was alone with his wife, and he was overcome with emotion
at her sacrifice. He said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

My darling," she replied, "I get all the thanks I need every time I
see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


2. "Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after bagging items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a TV remote in her purse. "So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this was the most legal evil thing I could do to him."


3. COOKING TERMS

TONGUE: A variety of meat, rarely served because it clearly crosses the
line between a cut of beef and a piece of dead cow.

YOGURT: Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated and
fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods that taste exactly the
same as they sound. The other two are goulash and squid.

RECIPE: A series of step-by-step instructions for preparing ingredients
you forgot to buy, in utensils you don't own, to make a dish the dog
won't eat.

PORRIDGE: Thick oatmeal rarely found on tables since children
were granted the right to sue their parents. The name is an
amalgamation of the words "Putrid," "hORRId," and "sluDGE."

PREHEAT: To turn on the heat in an oven for a period of time before
cooking a dish, so that the fingers may be burned when the food is put
in, as well as when it is removed.

OVEN: Compact home incinerator used for disposing of bulky pieces of
meat and poultry.

MICROWAVE OVEN: Space-age kitchen appliance that uses the principle of
radar to locate and immediately destroy any food placed within the
cooking compartment.

CALORIE: Basic measure of the amount of rationalization offered by the
average individual prior to taking a second helping of a particular
food.


4. "Doc," said the young man lying down on the couch, "you've got to
help me! Every night I have the same horrible dream I'm lying in bed
when all of the sudden five women rush in and start tearing off my clothes."

The psychiatrist nodded, "And what do you do?"

"I push them away."

"I see. What do you want me to do?"

The patient implored. "Break my arms."


5. A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a
year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got
on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked
him if he could arrange a divorce for him -- "very quick."

The lawyer said that he could. Speed of getting a divorce would
depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:

LAWYER: Have you any grounds?

POLE: Ja, Ja, an acre and half.

LAWYER: Does your wife beat you up?

POLE: No, I'm always up before her.

LAWYER: Is your wife a nagger?

POLE: No, she white.

LAWYER: Why do you want this divorce?

POLE: She going to kill me.

LAWYER: What makes you think that?

POLE: I got proof.

LAWYER: What kind of proof?

POLE: She bought a bottle at the drug store, and put on shelf in bathroom.

I can read. It said, "Polish Remover."


6. Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.

So they loaded up Jack's mini van and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who
answered the door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house
all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid
the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And
if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and
settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined
that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on
the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that
good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up
North about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to
the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out.

"I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry,
buddy. I'm afraid I did." "Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."


7. Because I had forgotten the dates for a number of my friends' and relatives' birthdays and anniversaries, I decided to compile a list on the computer and have the dates highlighted on screen when the machine was turned on.

I went to a number of computer stores to find a software program that would do the job but had no luck at the first few. I finally found one where the clerk seemed experienced. "Can you recommend something that will remind me of birthdays and anniversaries?" I asked.

"Have you tried a wife?" he replied.


8. A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Being old friends, they began their usual banter. "This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"

The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."


9. Punishment

A US Air Force C-141 is scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot's pre-flight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care of it.

The young man finally gets to the air base and makes his way to the aircraft, only to find that the latrine pump truck has been left outdoors and is frozen solid, so he must find another one in the hangar, which takes even more time. He returns to the aircraft and is less than enthusiastic about what he has to do. Nevertheless, he goes about the pumping job deliberately and carefully (and slowly) so as to not risk criticism later.

As he's leaving the plane, the pilot stops him and says, "Son, your attitude and performance has caused this flight to be late and I'm going to personally see to it that you are not just reprimanded but punished."

Shivering in the cold, his task finished, he takes a deep breath, stands up tall and says, "Sir, with all due respect, I'm not your son; I'm an Airman in the United States Air Force. I've been in Thule , Greenland for 11 months without any leave, and reindeer are beginning to look pretty good to me. I have one stripe; it's two-thirty in the morning, the temperature is 40 degrees below zero and my job here is to pump raw sewage from your aircraft. Now just exactly what form of punishment did you have in mind?"