Jokes

1. First Child: I placed my hand on my wives tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letters to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it out during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone, so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said, "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.



2. Casey and Riley agreed to settle their dispute by a fight, and it was understood that whoever wanted to quit should say, "Enough!"

Casey got Riley down and was hammering him unmercifully when Riley called out several times, "Enough!"

Casey paid no attention, but kept on administering punishment. A bystander said, "Why don't you let him up? Don't you hear him say that he's had enough?"

"I do," says Casey, "but he's such a liar, you can't believe him."


3. The Millers were shown into the dentist's office, where Mr. Miller made it clear he was in a big hurry. "No expensive extras, Doctor," he ordered. "No gas or needles or any of that fancy stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with."

"I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you," said the dentist admiringly. "Now, which tooth is it?"

Mr. Miller turned to his wife... "Show him your tooth, Honey."



4. How The Government Works

(Or just about any large corporation)

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said "Someone may steal from it at night." So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions, a timekeeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people, an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman...


5. A boss wondered why one of his most valued employees had not phoned in
sick one day.

Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the
employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

"Hello?"

"Is your daddy home?" he asked.

"Yes," whispered the small voice.

May I talk with him?"

The child whispered, "No."

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked,
"Is your Mummy there?"

"Yes."

"May I talk with her?"

Again the small voice whispered, "No."

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss
asked,
"Is anybody else there?"

"Yes," whispered the child, "a policeman."

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss
asked,
"May I speak with the policeman?"

"No, he's busy", whispered the child.

"Busy doing what?"

"Talking to Mummy and Daddy and the Fireman,"
came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter
through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked,
"What is that noise?"

"A hello-copper" answered the whispering voice.

"What is going on there?" demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered,
"The search team just landed the hello-copper."

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked,
"What are they searching for?"

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle:
"ME."


6. Today I picked up my mother-in-law at the airport. She's
getting a little up there. She's at the age where she
doesn't remember things too well. So when I saw her I
said, "Thanks for coming. Have a nice flight!"


7. This guy couldn't decide whether to go to Salt Lake City or Denver
for vacation, so he called the airlines to get prices. "Airfare to
Denver is $300," said a cheery salesperson.
"And what about Salt Lake City?"
"We have a really great rate to Salt Lake--$99.00, but there is a stopover."
"Where?"
"Denver."


8. In the cafeteria of a Catholic school, the children were lined up for lunch.
At the head of the line was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note and
she had placed it in front of the apples. The note read: "Take only one,
God is watching."

Further down the cafeteria line was a large pile of chocolate chip
cookies...

One of the boys had written a note of his own. The note he placed in front
of the cookies read: "Take all you want, God is watching the apples."