Jokes

1. During a trial in a small town in Alabama; a prosecuting
attorney called his first witness to the stand, an elderly woman.
He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you know me?"

She responded, "Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Brown. I've known you
since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a
disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you
manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think
you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never
will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed
across the room and asked, "Mrs. Smith, do you know the defense
attorney?"

She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Frost since he
was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking
problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his
law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention
he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of them was
your wife. Yes, I know him."

The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench, and in a
very quiet voice, said: "If either of you bastards asks her if she
knows me, I can guarantee you spending the rest of your life behind
bars for contempt!"


2. The Confession
Stan was dying. His wife, Esther, was maintaining a vigil by his side. She
held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying roused him
from his slumber; He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly.

"Esther my darling" he whispered.

"Hush my love," she said. "Rest, don't talk."

He was insistent. "Esther," he said in his tired voice, "I have something
that I must confess."

There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Esther, "Everything's all
right, go to sleep."

"No, no. I must die in peace, Esther. I ... I slept with your sister, your
best friend, her best friend, and your mother!"

I know, sweetheart," whispered Esther, "let the poison work."


3. Cyanide

A lady walks into a drug store and tells the pharmacist she needs some
cyanide. The pharmacist said, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady then explained she needed it to poison her husband. The
pharmacist's eyes got big and he said, "Lord have mercy, I can't give you
cyanide to kill your husband! That's against the law! I'll lose my license;
they'll throw both of us in jail and all kinds of bad things will happen!
Absolutely not, you can NOT have any cyanide!"

Then the lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband
in bed with the pharmacist's wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and
replied, "Well now, you didn't tell me you had a prescription!"


4. Working On the Fourth Husband

A woman announces to her friend that she is getting married for the fourth
time.

"How wonderful! But I hope you don't mind me asking what happened to your
first husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms and died."

"Oh, how tragic! What about your second husband?"

"He ate poisonous mushrooms too and died."

"Oh, how terrible! I'm almost afraid to ask you about your third husband."

"He died of a broken neck."

"A broken neck?"

"He wouldn't eat the mushrooms."