Jokes

1. A good-looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said
"I want to be a movie star." Tall, handsome and with experience on
Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, "What's your name?" The guy said, "My name is Penis van
Lesbian." The stunned agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order
to get into Hollywood , you are going to have to change your name." "I
will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will
not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever."

The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years... you will
NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm
telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to
represent you."

"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he
left the agent's office.

FIVE YEARS LATER.... The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
There was a letter and a check for $50,000 in the envelope. The agent is
awe-struck, who would possibly send him $50,000? He reads the
letter....

"Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to
become an actor in Hollywood . You told me I needed to change my name.
Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused. You told
me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van
Lesbian. After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I
decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too much pride
to return to your office, so I signed with another agent.

I would never have made it without changing my name, so the enclosed
check is a token of my appreciation.

Thank you for your advice.



Sincerely,



















Dick van Dyke



2. A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The
driver screamed , lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the
footpath, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look
mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would
scare you so much. "

The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first
day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25
years



3. A young boy, who had a lisp, was supposed to
start school one day, and was told by his mother to wait by the bus stop.

The kid goes to the bus stop, sees the bus and
starts waving his arms and shouting: "Buth driver
.. Buth Driver thtop thtop! ..."

The bus just keeps on going.

The next day, after his mother was upset for the
bus not stopping, tells him to go to the bus stop
and wave an old rag she gave him.

Again, he follow his mother's instructions,
waving the old rag and shouting "Hey buth
driver...buth driver, thtop thtop!!.."

Again, the bus just goes by.

When he returned home, his mother was really upset and tells him:

"Damn it, tomorrow I want you to go out and stand
in the middle of the street, and he'll stop for sure."

The next day, he's waiting for the bus, sees it,
stands in the middle of the street and starts waving the rag and shouting:

"Hey buth driver...buth driver...thtop thtop!!"

The bus just keeps going, hits him, knocks him
down and breaks every bone in his body.

Upset, after his mother found out about this, she
went to the school to complain to the school's
principal, who calls the bus driver to the office
and questions him about about his action.

"Why did you hit that poor boy?" the principal asked.

The bus driver replies: "I can't th tand kidth that make fun of me!"



4, A sales representative, an administration clerk
and their manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a genie appears in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says:"I usually only grant three
wishes, so I'll give each of you just one wish."

"Me first! Me first!" says the administration
clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a
speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the sales
representative. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing
on the beach with my personal masseuse, an
endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my
life beside me." Poof! He's gone.

"OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.

The manager says:"I want those two back in the office after lunch."