Jokes

1. A very drunk man goes into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender
serves him and asks him if he would like to try the bar game of darts.
Three in the bulls eye and win a prize.. Only a dollar for three darts.

The drunk agrees and throws the first dart. A bulls eye!! He downs
another drink, takes aim on wobbly feet, lets go...Two bulls eyes!!!!
Two more quick drinks go down. Barely able to stand, he lets go of
the last dart.

Three bulls eyes!!!

All are astounded. No one has ever won before. The bartender searches
for a prize... grabs a turtle from the bar's terrarium and presents it
to the drunk as his prize.

Three weeks pass... The drunk returns and orders more drinks, then
announces he would like to try the dart game again. To the total
amazement and wonderment of all the local drunks, he scores three
more bulls eyes and demands his prize.

The bartender, being a sort of drunk himself, and a bit short
of memory, doesn't know what to give, so he asks the drunk
"Say, what did you win the last time?"

And the drunk responds, "A roast beef sandwich on a hard roll!"


2. Thanksgiving day was approaching and the family had
received a Thanksgiving card with a painting of a pilgrim
family on their way to church.

Grandma showed the card to her small grandchildren,
observing: "The Pilgrim children liked to go to church with
their mothers and fathers."

"Oh yeah?" her young grandson replied, "so why is their dad
carrying that rifle?"


3. A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away.

His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"

"Oh," replies the husband, "that was my mistress."

The wife says, "That's it; I want a divorce."

"I understand," replies her husband, "but, remember, if you get a divorce, there will be no more shopping trips to Paris , no wintering in the Caribbean , no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But the decision is yours."

Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant with a gorgeous woman.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" she asks.

"That's his mistress," replies her husband.

"Ours is prettier," says the wife.


4. The children begged for a hamster, and after the usual fervent vows that they alone would care for it, they got one. They named it Danny.

Two months later, when Mom found herself responsible for cleaning and feeding the creature, she located a prospective new home for it.

The children took the news of Danny's imminent departure quite well, though one of them remarked, "He's been around here a long time - we'll miss him."

"Yes," Mom replied, "but he's too much work for one person, and since I'm that one person, I say he goes."

Another child offered, "Well, maybe if he wouldn't eat so much and wouldn't be so messy, we could keep him."

But Mom was firm. "It's time to take Danny to his new home now," she insisted. "Go and get his cage."

With one voice and in tearful outrage the children shouted, "Danny? We thought you said Daddy!


5. Father Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So, he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and persuaded him to say Mass for him that day.

As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish.

Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church! At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"

The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not." Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE!

St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"

The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"


6. A salesman goes up to a house and knocks on the front door.

It's opened by a little ten year-old boy who has a lighted cigar in one
hand, a glass of whiskey in the other and a Penthouse magazine tucked under
his arm.

Salesman: "Hello son. Is your mom or dad home?"

Little boy: "What do you think?"