Jokes

1. "Get this." said Paul to his friends, "Last night, while I was down
at the bar with you guys, a burglar broke into my house.

"Did he get anything?" Greg asked.

Paul said, "Yeah, a broken jaw, six teeth knocked out, and a pair of
broken ribs."

Greg wondered, "Whoa! But... how???"

Paul replied, "Well, it was really late at night and Maria thought it
was *me* coming home drunk!!"


2. Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are.

The first man was an engineer, the second man was an Accountant, the third man was a Chemist and the fourth was a Government Worker.

To show off, the Engineer called to his dog, "T-square, do your stuff!".

T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen, and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle.

Everyone agreed that was pretty smart.

But the Accountant said his dog could do better.

He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff!".

Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies.

He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each.

Everyone agreed that was good.

But the Chemist said his dog could do better.

He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff!".

Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop.

Everyone agreed that was good.

The three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?".

The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!".

Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave.


3. I walked into my sister's kitchen and found my nephew, Mitch, having a snack.

"Where's your mother?" I asked.

"She said she was going to have a shower. Just a minute, I'll see."

Mitch went to the kitchen tap and turned the hot water on full blast.

An indignant yell came from above.

Mitch calmly turned off the tap and said, "Yes, she's in the shower."


4. When I was managing an office, I instituted a rule that there would be no playing games on our computers. So I wouldn't be a hypocrite, I had an information technologist get rid of the games on my laptop along with all the others in the office. Therefore, I was surprised to find my grandson playing Solitaire on it one weekend. I asked if he had loaded the game.

"No," he answered, "it was already there. It was just hidden - taken off the Main Menu."

On Monday, I chided our information technologist for not getting rid of the game.

"But," he explained, "I thought I just had to keep it away from *you* - not from a nine year-old."