Jokes

1. Three Irishmen, Paddy, Sean and Shamus, were stumbling home from the pub late one night and found themselves on the road which led past the old graveyard.

"Come have a look over here," says Paddy, "it's Michael O'Grady's grave, God bless his soul. He lived to the ripe old age of 87."

"That's nothing", says Sean, "here's one named Patrick O'Tool, it says here that he was 95 when he died."

Just then, Shamus yells out, "Good God, here's a fella that got to be 145 years old!"

"What was his name?" asks Paddy.

Shamus stumbles around a bit, awkwardly lights a match to see what else is written on the stone marker, and exclaims, "Miles, from Dublin."


2. TOP 10 SWIMMING POOL PICKUP LINES

10 "I noticed you thrashing around. Would you like to hold onto my floaties?"

9 "You do know how to inflate your raft, don't you? Just put your lips together and blow."

8 "I'm worried about you getting a sunburn. How about I cover you with my body?"

7 "Don't save me! Let me go down three times."

6 "Wanna go back to my place and do something about that shrinkage?"

5 "Come on, I'm a wealthy neglected housewife, you're a pool boy. It's practically required by law that you do me."

4 "Sorry, babe, did I make you all wet?"

3 "Now how'd you manage to fit that great big thing into that little ol' Speedo?"

2 "Wanna join the 9-foot-deep-end-of-the-pool club?"

and the Number 1 Swimming Pool Pickup Line...

1 "If everybody here accidentally drowned, the first bloated corpse I'd pull out would be yours, sweetheart."


3. About bank robberies

Don't try to stick up the First National Bank of Northfield, Minnesota. Jesse James tried it 111 years ago, and the townsfolk took just seven minutes to kill two and capture three of his gang. Nobody tried it again until 1984, and the customers chased the guy down. They're tight with their dollar in Minnesota.

One robber in Upland, CA, presented his note to the teller, and her father, who was in the next line, got all bent out of shape about it. He wrestled the guy to the ground and sat on him until authorities arrived.

Demand notes have been written on the back of a subpoena issued in the name of a bank robber in Pittsburgh ... on an envelope bearing the name and address of another in Detroit. And in East Hartford, Connecticut, on the back of a withdrawal slip giving the robber's name and account number.

Imagine the chagrin of the bank robber in Cheshire, Massachusetts, who hit the bank at 4:30 PM, then tried to escape through downtown North Adams, where he was trapped in rush hour traffic until police arrived.

Then there was the case of the hopeful criminal in Swansea, Massachusetts, who, when the teller told him she had no money, fainted. He was still unconscious when the police arrived. His getaway car parked nearby had the keys locked inside.