Jokes

1. Helpful Hints…

Tape a chocolate bar to the outside of your
microwave. If the chocolate melts you will know
that the microwaves are escaping and it is time to have the oven serviced.

A mouse trap, placed on top on of your alarm
clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

Old telephone books make ideal personal address
books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.

Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from
a garment always circle the stain in permanent
ink pen so that when you remove the garment from
the washing machine you can easily locate the
area of the stain and check that it has gone.

Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid
tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning
enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.

Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield
wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut
yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

Olympic athletes: Conceal the fact that you have
taken performance enhancing drugs by simply
running a little slower and letting someone else win.

Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters
from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and
within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your ceiling


2. A new baby, when he was still in hospital, said to
the little babe lying next to him, 'I know I am a boy!'

The other baby said, 'What! How DO you know that??'

'Well, it's under the blanket; I can show you...'

'Show me! Show me!'

'SSST! Wait till the nurses are gone...'

A few minutes later: 'I can show you now. Watch!'

Slowly the baby lifted up his blanket, the other
baby peeking under it. 'Can you see it?' The first one said,

'You see it, down there?'

'But WHAT should I see?'

'I'm wearing blue socks!!'


3. A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be
confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner.

"Good morning," said the young man. "If I could take a couple of
minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in
high-powered vacuum cleaners."

"Go away," said the old lady. "I haven't got any money, I'm broke!"

As she proceeded to close the door, the young man wedged his foot in
the door and pushed wide open. "Don't be too hasty," he said. "Not
until you have at least seen my demonstration." And with that, he
emptied a bucket of horse manure on to her hallway carpet.

"If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse
manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.

The old lady stepped back and said, "Well I hope you've got a damned
good appetite, because they cut off my electricity this morning."



4. Two blondes with hammers, Debbie and Donna,
were doing some carpenter work on a Habitat
for Humanity house.

Debbie, who was nailing down house siding, would
reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, and either
toss it over her shoulder or nail it in.

Donna, figuring this was worth looking into, asked,
"Why are you throwing those nails away?"

Debbie explained, "When I pull a nail out of my pouch,
about half of them have the head on the wrong end,
and I throw them away."

Donna got completely upset and yelled,
"You moron! Those nails aren't defective!
They're for the other side of the house!"



5. There was a clerk in a small town general store in the South. One day, a tall man entered the store and began filling a shopping cart with items.

This man was so distinctive in that he could have been the official spokesperson for Quaker Oats. He was dressed in black, very tall and had that hat just like the Quaker Oats guy wears.

Well, the clerk had never seen a Quaker before, let alone talked to one. When the man reached the counter with his selections the clerk could hardly contain himself. "Are you a Quaker"? he asked as he was trying to ring up the merchandise.

"Yes," the tall man said with a little edge in his voice.

"No joke?" asked the clerk, "You're really a real Quaker?"

The man, looking a little more perturbed, said, "Yes, I am a real Quaker."

"Wow!" the young clerk said, "I never seen a real Quaker before. Would you say something in Quaker talk for me?" asked the clerk.

The tall man ignored this request and waited for his merchandise to be tallied up. As clerk finished ringing up the sale he said, "Please mister, say something in Quaker talk?"

The man finally leaned over the counter in a gesture of secrecy. The clerk leaned forward in order to hear the quiet reply. The man said, "Screw Thee."