Jokes

1. Ned was down on his luck in Las Vegas . He had gambled away all his money and had to borrow a dime from another gambler just to use the men's room. The stall happened to be open, so he used the dime in a slot machine and hit the jackpot. He took his winnings and went to the blackjack table and turned his small winnings into ten million dollars.

Wealthy beyond his wildest dreams, Ned went on the lecture circuit, where he told his incredible story. He told his audiences that he was eternally grateful to his benefactor, and if he ever found the man, he would share his fortune with him.

After months of lectures, a man in the audience jumped up and said, "I'm that man. I was the one who gave you the dime."

Ned responded, "You're not the one that I'm looking for. I'm looking for the guy who left the door open!"



2. The first Jewish President of the United States phones his mother in Queens and invites her to come down for Thanksgiving. She says, "I'd love to, but it's too much trouble. I mean, I have to get a cab to the airport and I really hate waiting on Queens Blvd. "

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President! You won't have any need for a cab. I'll send a limousine for you."

His mother replies, "I know, but then I'll have to get my ticket at the airport and try to get a seat on the plane, and I hate to sit in the middle; it's just too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom! I'm the President of the United States ! I'll send Air Force One for you - it's my private jet!"

To which she replies, "Oh, well, but then when we land, I'll have to carry all my luggage through the airport and try to get a cab. It's really too much trouble."

He replies, "Mom!! I'm the President! I'll send a helicopter for you! You won't have to lift a finger."

She answers, "Yes, that's nice, but, you know, I still need a hotel room, and the rooms are so expensive and I really don't like the rooms."

Irritated, he answers, "Mom! I'm the President! You'll stay at the White House."

She responds, "Well..... all right..... I guess I'll come."

The next day, she's on the phone with her friend Sandra. "So, Gilda, tell me.....what's new?"

"I'm visiting my son for Thanksgiving!" Gilda replies.

"The doctor?" asks Sandra.

Gilda replies, "No..... the other one."



3. My 6 year-old grandson called his mother from his friend Charlie's house and confessed he had broken a lamp when he threw a football in their living room. "But, Mom," he said, brightening, "you don't have to worry about buying another one. Charlie's mom said it was irreplaceable."

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The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.

When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "With the captain's compliments. He said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."

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Little Johnny came home from his first day of school and said, "Mommy, the teacher was asking me today if I have any brothers and sisters who will be coming to my school."

"That's nice of her to take such an interest in your family, Dear. What did she say when you told her that you are the only child?"

She just said, "Thank goodness!"

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Walking into the bar, Mike said to Charlie the bartender, "Pour me a stiff one - just had another fight with the little woman."

"Oh yeah?" said Charlie, "and how did this one end?"

"When it was over," Mike replied, "she came to me on her hands and knees.

"Really," said Charlie, "now that's a switch! What did she say?"

She said, "Come out from under the bed, you weasel!"



4. This guy wanted a parrot who talked. He asked the pet store manager if there was a bird who was already speaking. The manager directed the guy to a bird by the window. "This bird has a vocabulary of 1000 words and another 50 phrases that would fit most occasions."

The guy bought the bird and took it home.

Next day, the guy was back in the pet store to complain. The bird hadn't said a word. The pet shop manager said, "That's not unusual. Why not buy a few of the toys the bird had been used to playing with while here and put it in his cage. That should get him more comfortable with his surroundings and loosen him up." The man paid for the toys and took them home to the bird.

Two days later the guy showed back up. "Still not talking, huh?" asked the manager.

"Well, perhaps a birdbath would do the trick." The credit card was whipped out, the purchase made, and the guy was back home with his new birdbath.

And, like clockwork, two days later the guy was back to complain that the bird STILL hadn't said one word. This time the shop owner scratched his head and said, "You know, sometimes the bird would be praised in his training and allowed to ring this bell." The guy was hesitant, but he really wanted to hear the bird talk, so he reluctantly purchased the bell.

Two days later, the guy was back in the shop. This time the pet shop owner suggested the bird was lonely. The guy was upset that he'd have to purchase ANOTHER bird when the first one wasn't talking. The pet shop owner told him that, no, he wouldn't have to do that. Just buy a mirror and trick the bird into thinking he had company.

You guessed. Two days later, the man was back in the store, this time with the parrot. The parrot was dead. "What happened? Didn't the bird ever talk?" asked the pet shop owner.

"Yep. Right before he died it said, 'Don't they sell any birdseed at that pet store?'"



5. Our young daughter had adopted a stray cat. To my distress, he began to use
the back of our new sofa as a scratching post. "Don't worry," my husband
reassured me. "I'll have him trained in no time."

I watched for several days as my husband patiently "trained" our new pet.
Whenever the cat scratched, my husband deposited him outdoors to teach him a
lesson.

The cat learned quickly. For the next 16 years, whenever he wanted to go
outside, he scratched the back of the sofa.