Jokes

A. There was this magician who had a job on a cruise liner, entertaining the
passengers with a nightly show. He was very successful in his job and there
was always a full house at all his performances. Life was sweet. The money
was rolling in, he had one of the best cabins, ate the best food, mixed with
the best people. All was fine until one day the captain bought a parrot.

The highlight of the parrot's day was going along to see the magician in
action in the evening. During the magician's performances, the parrot would
watch him very carefully during each trick, and immediately after the
magician had completed the trick the parrot would call out in a loud squark,
" It's up his sleeve, it's up his sleeve," or, " It's down his trousers,
it's down his trousers," each time ruining the magician's trick.

Well life was no longer as sweet and the magician started to struggle to
satisfy the passengers. The magician naturally got very tired of the parrot
and longed to kill it.

Then one night in the middle of the magician's performances, the ship hit an
iceberg and sank. Everyone was killed except for the magician and the
parrot. The magician managed to swim to a piece of wreckage, climbed aboard
and collapsed. The parrot flew towards the magician and perched on the edge
of the raft and stared at the magician.

For a whole day the magician was unconscious, and all this time the parrot
did not take his eyes off him. Eventually the magician started to stir, and
looked up not really knowing where he was or what had happened. He
eventually found enough energy to sit up. He then noticed the parrot, who
had not stopped focusing his eyes on him all this time.

"All right I give up ..." chirped the parrot, "... What have you done with
the ship


B. It's the only type of cooking a "real" man will do.

When a man volunteers to do such cooking, the
following chain of events is put into motion.

1. The woman goes to the store.

2. The woman fixes the salad, vegetables, and dessert.

3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking,
places it on a tray along with the necessary
cooking utensils, and takes it to the man, who is lounging beside the grill.

4. The man places the meat on the grill.

5. The woman goes inside to set the table and check the vegetables.

6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning.

7. The man takes the meat off the grill and hands it to the woman.

8. The woman prepares the plates and brings them to the table.

9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.

10. The man asks the woman how she enjoyed "her
night off." And, upon seeing her annoyed
reaction, concludes that there's just no pleasing some women.


C. Naughty Naughty

Mother Superior heard one say to the other, "I
think she got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning."

This startled Mother Superior, but she chose not to pursue the issue.

A little further down the hall, Mother Superior
passed two of the Sisters who had been teaching
at the convent for several years. She greeted them

with, "Good morning Sister Martha, Sister
Jessica, may God give you wisdom for our students today."

"Good morning, Mother Superior. Thank you, and may God be with you."

But again, after passing, Mother Superior
overheard, "She got out of the wrong side of bed today."

Baffled, she started to wonder if she had spoken
harshly, or with an irritated look on her face.

She vowed to be more pleasant.

Looking down the hall, Mother Superior saw
retired Sister Mary approaching, step by step, with her walker.

As Sister Mary was rather deaf, Mother Superior
had plenty of time to arrange a pleasant smile on
her face, before greeting Sister Mary.

"Good morning, Sister Mary. I'm so happy to see
you up and about. I pray God watches over you
today, and grants you a wonderful day."

"Ah, Good morning, Mother Superior, and thank
you. I see you got up on the wrong side of bed this morning."

Mother Superior was floored!

"Sister Mary, what have I done wrong? I have
tried to be pleasant, but three times already
today, people have said that about me."

Sister Mary stopped her walker, and looked Mother Superior in the face.

"Oh, don't take it personal, Mother Superior.
It's just that you're wearing Father Murphy's slippers."


D. My 4-year-old son asked our baby sitter for help in getting his boots on.

He asked for help and she could see why.

With her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on.

When the second boot was on, she had already worked up a sweat.

She almost whimpered when my son said, "wrong feet!"

She looked and sure enough, they were on the wrong feet.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as together they
worked to get the boots back on -- this time on the right feet.

He then announced, "These aren't my boots."

She bit her tongue rather than get right in his
face and scream, "Why didn't you say so?" like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off.

He then said, "They're my cousin's boots. My Mom made me wear them."

She didn't know if she should laugh or cry. She
mustered up the grace to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

She said, "Now, where are your mittens?"

He said, "I stuffed them in my boots..."


E. Two friends rented a boat and fished in a lake every day.

One day they caught 30 fish. One guy said to his
friend, "Mark this spot so that we can come back here again tomorrow."

The next day, when they were driving to rent the
boat, the same guy asked his friend, "Did you mark that spot?"

His friend replied, "Yeah, I put a big 'X' on the bottom of the boat."

The first one said, "You stupid fool! What if we
don't get that same boat today!?!?"


F. Jack was going to be married to Jill, so his
father sat him down for a little fireside chat.

He says, "Jack, let me tell you something. On my
wedding night in our honeymoon suite, I took off
my pants and handed them to your mother, and said, here - try these on."

So, she did and said, "These are too big, I can't wear them".

I replied, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this family and I always will.

Ever since that night we have never had any problems."

"Hmmm," says Jack. He thinks that might be a good thing to try.

So on his honeymoon, Jack takes off his pants and
says to Jill, "Here try these on."

So she does and says, "these are too large, they don't fit me."

Jack says, "...exactly. I wear the pants in this
family and I always will, and I don't want you to ever forget that."

Then Jill takes off her pants and hands them to
Jack and says, "Here, you try on mine."

So he does and says, "I can't get into your pants."

So Jill says, "...exactly. And if you don't
change your smartass attitude, you never will."