Jokes

1. Sam's barn burned down and his wife, Jane, called the insurance company. Jane spoke to the insurance agent and said, "We had that dang-on barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money."

The agent replied, "Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn't work quite like that. An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured and then we'll provide you with another barn, just like the original one."

There was a long pause, and then Jane replied, "If that's how it works, I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.


2. A man rushed into a bar and ordered a double martini.

The man downed it with one swallow, put a five dollar bill on the bar, and turned and rushed out of the bar.

The bartender picked up the five-dollar bill, and folded it carefully and tucked it in his vest pocket.

Just at that moment he looked up at the boss standing in the doorway staring at him.

Doing a bit of fast thinking he said, "Hi boss, did you see that fellow just now? Came in here, bought a double martini, gave me a five dollar tip, and rushed out without paying."


3. NEW AUSSIE SLANG DICTIONARY
Cleaner version

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached or dyed her hair but still has a 'black box'.

BEER COAT
The invisible, but warm coat worn when walking home after a booze cruise at 3 in the morning.

BEER COMPASS
The invisible device that ensures your safe arrival home after a booze cruise, even though you're too pissed to remember where you live, how you got there, and where you've come from.

BEER SCOOTER
The ability to get home after a night out on the booze and not remember it i.e. "I don't even remember getting home last night, I must have caught the beer scooter".

BOBFOC
Body Off Baywatch, Face Off Crimewatch.

BRITNEY SPEARS
Modern slang for 'beers', e.g. "Couple of Britneys please, Doreen".

DRINK-LINK
A modern term for a cashpoint machine (ATM). Named so because it is common to visit one before going out on the booze.

GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you're just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you'll buy their food afterwards is called a "McShit With Lies".

GREYHOUND
A very short skirt, only an inch from the hare.

JOHNNY-NO-STARS
A young man of substandard intelligence, the typical adolescent who works in a burger restaurant. The 'no stars' comes from the badges displaying stars that staff at fast-food restaurants often wear to show their level of training.

MILLENNIUM DOMES
The contents of a Wonderbra, i.e. extremely impressive when viewed from the outside, but there's actually nothing in there worth seeing.

MONKEY BATH
A bath so hot, that when lowering yourself in, you go "Oo! Oo! Oo! Aa! Aa! Aa!".

MYSTERY BUS
The bus that arrives at the pub on Friday night while you're in the toilet after your 10th pint, and whisks away all the unattractive people so the pub is suddenly packed with stunners when you come back in.

MYSTERY TAXI
The taxi that arrives at your place on Saturday morning before you wake up, whisks away the stunner you slept with, and leaves a 10-pinter in your bed instead.

NBR (NO BEERS REQUIRED)
Someone that you'd chat up instantly in the pub. The opposite of a 10-pinter.

NELSON MANDELA
Rhyming slang for "Stella" (the lager).

PEARL HARBOUR
Cold (weather). An example of it would be - "It's a bit Pearl Harbour out there!" Meaning - there's a nasty 'nip' in the air.

PICASSO ARSE
A woman whose knickers are too small for her, so she looks like she's
got 4 buttocks.

SALAD DODGER
An excellent phrase for an overweight person.

SWAMP-DONKEY
A deeply unattractive woman

TART FUEL
Bottled Alcopops, e.g Hooch, regularly consumed by young woman.

TEN-PINTER
Someone that you'd only chat up after drinking at least 10 pints.

X-PILES
Unwanted visitors from Uranus.



4. A biker is riding by the zoo, when he sees a little girl leaning into the lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker jumps off his bike, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch.
Whimpering from the pain the lion jumps back letting go of the girl, and the biker brings her to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.
A reporter has seen the whole scene, and addressing the biker, says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and brave thing I saw a man do in my whole life."
"Why, it was nothing, really, the lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right."
"Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist, you know, and tomorrow's papers will have this on the first page. What motorcycle do you ride?"
"A Harley Davidson.... "
The journalist leaves. The following morning the biker buys the paper to see if it indeed brings news of his actions, and reads, on first page:
BIKER GANG MEMBER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.