Jokes

1. Fred Abernathy was a devoted reader of the obituary column of his local paper. All of Fred's friends knew of this habit, so one day they decided to play a trick on him by placing his name and picture in the obituaries.

The following morning Fred picked up his newspaper, turned to the obituary page, and there he saw his name, his biography and his photo. Startled, he went to the telephone and rang up his pal, George. "Listen," he said. "Do you have the morning paper? You do? Please turn to the obituary page. You have? What do you see in the second column?"

There was a pause, then George said, "Holy smoke! It's you, Fred! It's you all right! Listen, where are you calling from?"


2. One day, a reporter for a suburban newspaper happened upon a construction site with a sign that ominously warned: "DANGER. RADIOACTIVE MATERIALS."

Driven by the prospect of a hard-hitting expose, he made a quick call to his editor, then returned to the scene to investigate. The construction supervisor looked unhappy to see him; "I'll tell you the truth," he said, "but I'm going to ask you not to publish what I say."

"This is just like the movies," he thought. The supervisor continued, "There's nothing radioactive on this site. That sign has been the only way to keep our lumber from being stolen."


3. Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit
Disorder

This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide it needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch table that I brought up from the mailbox earlier.

I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my cheque book off the table, and see that there is only one cheque left.

My extra cheques are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my cheques, but first I need to move the Coke so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm and decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye - they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I've been searching for all morning..

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for the remote, but won't remember it's on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some mop to wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.

At the end of the day:

* The car isn't washed,

* The bills aren't paid,

* There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter,

* The flowers don't have enough water,

* There is still only 1 cheque in my checkbook,

* I can't find the remote,

* I can't find my glasses,

* And I don't remember what I did with the car keys.

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help for it, but first I'll check my e-mail.

Do me a favour, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!



4. God was sitting in heaven one day when a scientist said to Him, "God, we don't need you anymore. Science has finally figured out a way to create life out of nothing - in other words, we can now do what you did in the beginning."

"Oh, is that so? Tell Me..." replies God.

"Well," says the scientist, "we can take dirt and form it into the likeness of you and breathe life into it, thus creating man."

"Well, that's very interesting...show Me."

So the scientist bends down to the earth and starts to mold the soil into the shape of a man.

"No, no, no..." interrupts God, "Get your own dirt."