How To Lie to the Bathroom Scale

1. After dinner, weigh yourself with a pair of jeans on, a heavy sweater, a pair of construction boots with metal toes, most of your jewelry and one of your Mother-In-Law's light and fluffy pancakes in your pocket. ...

Then, in the morning, weigh yourself without clothes, after peeing and after spending the night under the blankets with the temperature in the house set to 86F (30C). If necessary, fast, and repeat the following day.

This way, it will diminish the blow, as you will know that your first weight was "Slightly" exaggerated, but more importantly, because it's nice to see how much weight you've lost overnight.

Note: If the scale does not register that high, remove your Mother-in-Law's light and fluffy pancakes, and you will no longer have a problem.

Then, for the next few weeks, weigh yourself frequently, following these guidelines...

2. Never again weigh yourself with wet hair.

3. When weighing, remove everything, rings, earrings, navel rings, nipple rings, any removable bridgework, tampons, glasses and contact lenses ... especially the last two items as blurred vision can be an asset.

4. Use cheap scales only, never the medical kind, because they are always five pounds off... to your advantage, of course.

5. Always go to the bathroom first. Take diuretics if necessary

6. Stand with arms raised and pointing out from your sides, making pressure on the scale lighter.

7. Don't eat or drink in the morning until AFTER you've weighed in, completely naked, of course.

8. Weigh yourself after a haircut, this is good for at least half a pound of hair (hopefully).

9. Exhale with all your might BEFORE stepping onto the scale (air has to weigh something, right?)

10. Start out with just one foot on the scale, then holding onto the towel rack in front of you, slowly edge your other foot on and slowly let off of the rack. Admittedly, this takes time, but it's worth it. You will weigh at least two pounds less than if you'd stepped on normally.

Note: You may want to stop letting go of the towel rack when you have reached your target weight.