Jokes

1. As Jim was approaching mid-life, physically he was a mess. Not only was he going bald, but years of office work had given him a large pot belly. The last straw came when he asked a woman co-worker out on a date, and she all but laughed at him. "That does it," he decided. "I'm going to start a whole new regimen!"

He began attending aerobics classes. He started working out with weights. He changed his diet. And he got an expensive hair transplant. In six months, he was a different man. Again, he asked his female co-worker out, and this time she accepted.

There he was, all dressed up for the date, looking better than he ever had. He stood poised to ring the woman's doorbell, when a bolt of lightning struck him and knocked him off his feet.

As he lay there dying, he turned his eyes toward the heavens and said, "Why, God, why now? After all I've been through, how could You do this to me?" From up above, there came a voice, "Sorry.... Didn't recognize you."


2. A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition; I would like to have an honorary degree."

The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!" The rich man then added, "An honorary degree for my horse."

"For your horse???"

"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."

"But, we can't give a degree to a horse!"

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another institution."

"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "let me consult with the school's trustees."

A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief, except the oldest trustee. He appeared to be almost asleep.

One trustee snorted, "We can't give a horse an honorary degree, no matter HOW much money is involved."

The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."

The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"

"Of course not," the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."



3. My son had just turned 15 when I finally decided to talk to him about sex. To insure private time, I brought him on a ski trip and began our talk on the chair lift so he couldn't escape.

"Do you know about girls and babies?" I asked.

He nodded but cut me off.

The next ride up the ski lift, I brought it up again, only to have him look away in silence. On the third trip, already knowing I had waited too long, I bluntly asked, "Son, would you like to talk about sex?"

"Gee, Dad," he responded, "is that all you ever think about?"



4. After the revival had concluded, the three pastors were discussing the results with one another.

The Methodist minister said, "The revival worked out great for us! We gained four new families."

The Baptist preacher said, "We did better than that! We gained six new families."

The Presbyterian pastor said, "Well, we did even better than that! We got rid of our ten biggest trouble makers!"