Jokes

1. My wife and I are both in our midlife and I am a man trying to trick her back in youth by hook and crook.

Long captive in married knot of some twenty five years, I took a look at my wife one day and I said, "Honey, 25 years ago, we had a cheap apartment, a cheap car, slept on a sofa bed and watched a 10 inch black and white TV, but I got to sleep every night with a hot 22 year- old beautiful woman. Now, we have a nice house, nice car, big bed and plasma screen TV, but I am sleeping with a 50 year old woman. It seems to me that you are not holding up your side of things."

My wife is an affectionate and convincing woman. She told me with love to fulfill my desires. That I should go out and find myself a hot 22 year-old beautiful woman, and she would make sure that I would once again be living in a cheap apartment, driving a cheap car and sleeping on a sofa bed.


2. Late one Saturday evening, I was awakened by the ringing of my phone. In a sleepy voice, I said, "Hello". The party on the other end of the line paused for a moment before rushing breathlessly into a lengthy speech. "Mom, this is Susan and I'm sorry I woke you up, but I had to call because I'm going to be a little late getting home. See, Dad's car has a flat but it's not my fault. Honest! I don't know what happened. The tire just went flat while we were inside the theater. Please don't be mad, okay?"

Since I don't have any daughters, I knew the person had misdialed. "I'm sorry dear," I replied, "but you've reached the wrong number. I don't have a daughter named Susan." "Gosh, Mom," came the young woman's voice, "I didn't think you'd be this mad!"


3. One afternoon, my wife April rushed out of the house, forgetting her keys, and found herself locked out. There was nothing she could do but wait for me to come home. She saw a neighbor who was outside raking leaves.

"You locked yourself out?" he asked. "Yeah, this is the second time since we moved in. After the first time we took an extra key and put it in a jar, then stuck it in a potted plant on the deck."

"So... what's the problem?"

"I took the plants in for the winter."



4. After his legs had been broken in an accident, Mr. Miller sued for damages, claiming that he was crippled and would have to spend the rest of his life in a wheelchair.

Although the insurance company doctor testified that his bones had healed properly and that he was fully capable of walking, the judge decided for the plaintiff and awarded him $500,000.

When he was wheeled into the insurance company office to collect his cheque, Miller was confronted by several executives. "You're not getting away with this, Miller," one said. "We're going to watch you day and night. If you take a single step, you'll not only repay the damages but stand trial for perjury. Here's the money. What do you
intend to do with it?"

"My wife and I are going to travel," Miller replied. "We'll go to Stockholm, Berlin, Rome, Athens and, finally, to a place called Lourdes--where, gentlemen, you'll see yourselves one hell of a miracle!"