Many puns

·A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two-tired.
·What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway).
·A backwards poet writes inverse.
·In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your Count that votes.
·A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
·If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed.
·With her marriage she got a new name and a dress.
·When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
·Every calendar's days are numbered.
·A lot of money is tainted. It taint yours and it taint mine.
·A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
·He had a photographic memory that was never developed.
·The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
·Those who get too big for their britches(*) will be exposed in the end.
·Once you've seen one shopping center you've seen a mall.
·When an actress saw her first strands of gray hair she thought she'd dye.
·Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.
·Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
·Acupuncture is a jab well done.
·Marathon runners with bad footwear suffer the agony of defeat.