Jokes

1. After she woke up, a woman told her husband,

"I just had a dream that you gave me the most beautiful diamond necklace. What do you think it means?"

"You'll know tonight." he said with a smile.

The woman could hardly think of anything else all day and she couldn't wait for her husband to return home.

That evening, the man finally came home with a small package and gave it to his wife.

Delighted, she opened it excitedly to find a book entitled...

"The Meaning of Dreams"


2. Never underestimate illiterates’...!!!!

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Wairarapa . He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in New Zealand and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently, you don't know how we settle disputes in North Wairarapa . We settle small disagreements like this with the 'Three Kick Rule.'"

The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kick Rule'?"

The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute occurs on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times and then you kick me three times and so on back and forth until someone gives up." The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and
decided that he could easily take the old codger. He agreed to abide by the local custom.

The old farmer slowly climbed down from the tractor and walked up to the attorney.

His first kick planted the toe of his heavy steel toed work boot into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees!

His second kick to the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing from his mouth.

The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's third kick to his rear end, sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and remaining strength and very slowly ma nag ed to get to his feet. Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he said, "Okay, you old fart. Now it's my turn."

The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck."



3. How to speak New Zealand

Say out loud for full effect!

Milburn -Melbourne. capital of Victoria

Peck -Pack. to fill a suitcase

Pissed aside -Pesticide chemical which kills insects

Pigs -Pegs for hanging out washing with

Pump -Pimp to act as agent for prostitute

Pug -Pig large animal with a curly tail

Nin tin dough -Nintendo. computer game

Munner stroney -Minestronie. soup

Min -Men. male of the species

Mess Kara -Mascara eye makeup

McKennock -Machanic. person who fixes cars

Mere - Mayor

Leather -Lather foam produced from soap

Lift -Left. departed

Kiri Pecker -Kerry Packer. famous Australian businessman

Kittle crusps - potato chips

Ken's - Cairns

Jumbo - pet name for someone called Jim

Jungle Bills - Christmas carol

Inner me - enemy

Guess -Gas. vapour

Fush -Fish. marine creatures

Fitter cheney -Fetticini. type of pasta

Ever cardeau - avocado

Fear hear -Fair hair. blonde

Ear -Air mix of nitrogen and oxygen

Ear roebucks -Aerobics. exercise at the gym

Duffy cult -Difficult. not easy

Amejen - Imagine.visualise

Day old chuck -Chick very young poultry

Bug hut -Big Hit. popular recording

Bun button - been bitten by insect

Beard -Bed a place to sleep

Sucks Peck -Six Pack. Half a dozen beers

Ear New Zulland -Air New Zealand. an extinct airline

Beers -Bears. large savage animals found in U.S. forests

Veerjun - mythical New Zealand maiden

One Doze -Windows. well known computer program

Brudge -Bridge. structure spanning a stream

Sex -Six. one less than sivven

Tin - Ten.one more than nine

Iggs Ecktly - Exactly.Precisely

Earplane -Aeroplane. large flying machine

Beggage Chucken -Baggage checkin. place to leave your suitcase at the earport Sivven

Sucks Sivven -Six Seven. large Boeing aircraft Sivven Four Sivven - larger Boeing aircraft

Cuds -Kids. children

Pits - Pets.domestic animals

Cuttin -Kitten. baby cat

Munce -Mince. usually served on toast


4. A cowboy went to buy an insurance policy. The agent asked, "Have you ever had an accident?"

"Nope," replied the cowboy. "Last summer, a bronc kicked in two of my ribs...and a couple of years ago, a rattlesnake bit me on the ankle."

"Wouldn't you call those accidents?" quizzed the puzzled agent.

"Naw," the cowboy replied. "They did it on purpose!"