Don’t Quote Me, But ...

Don’t Quote Me, But

- A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

- Horn broken, watch for finger.

- My kid had sex with your honor student.

- If at first you don't succeed, try not to look astonished.

- I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got.

- Jesus loves you... Everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

- I'm just driving this way to piss you off.

- Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

- Keep honking, I'm reloading.

- Hang up and drive.

- Guns don't kill people, postal workers do.

- Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.

- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

- I want to die in my sleep like my Grandfather did, not kicking and screaming like his passengers.

- I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

- Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

- Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

- I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

- He who laughs last thinks slowest!

- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

- There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

- Assassins do it from behind.

- If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.

- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

- I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

- Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

- I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

- Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

- Few women admit their age...few men act theirs.

- We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.