Jokes

1. SEX WITH WIFE

John: "So how often do you have sex with your wife?"

Jim: "Oh, four or five times a week."

John: "That's more often than I get it!"

Jim: "Well, it should be... after all, she's *my* wife."


2. AFTER MARRIAGE

After three years of marriage, Amy was still questioning her husband about his lurid past. "C'mon, tell me," she asked for the thousandth time, "how many women have you slept with?"

"Baby, " he protested, "if I told you, you'd throw a fit."

Amy promised she wouldn't get angry, and convinced her hubby to tell her.

"Okay," he said, "One, two, three, four, five, six, seven - then there's you - nine, ten, 11, 12, 13....."



3. A teacher is instructing her fourth grade class, and she's telling them that the word of the day is 'contagious.' She asks if anyone can use this word in a sentence, and several students raise their hands.

"Carl," she says.

Carl says, "My dad told me to stay away from kids with mumps 'cause they're contagious."

"Very good," says the teacher.

Then she picks Suzie, who says, "The atmosphere was contagious."

The teacher says, "Excellent, Suzie!" Then she notices that little Johnny has his hand up at the back of the class. "Yes, Johnny?"

Johnny says, "The other day, me and my dad's a-sittin' around, and we saw our blonde neighbor painting her fence. She had a tiny little model car paintbrush, and she was going in tiny little strokes up and down the fence, and my dad says to me, 'Jesus, it's gonna take that cunt ages to finish that fence.'"



4. A man and his wife check into a hotel. The husband wants to have a drink at the bar, but his wife is extremely tired so she decides to go on up to their room to rest.

She lies down on the bed... just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she's thrown out of the bed.

Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more.

Again a train shakes the room so violently, she's pitched to the floor.

Exasperated, she calls the front desk and asks for the manager.

The manager says he'll be right up.

The manager is skeptical, but the wife insists the story is true.

"Look... lie here on the bed -- you'll be thrown right to the floor!"

So he lies down next to the wife.

Just then the husband walks in and says, "What are you doing here!?!"

The manager calmly replies, "Would you believe I'm waiting for a train?"