Jokes

1. QUIT SMOKING

A young woman confides to a friend that she wants to quit smoking, but nothing she does seems to work.

"Have you tried the patch?" her friend asks.

"No, that's one thing I haven't tried," the woman says, "because I'm not sure it works."

Says her friend, "I'm sure it would if you put it over your mouth."


2. OPPOSING CANDIDATES

A couple of opposing candidates for county office happened to be sitting next to each other in the local diner.

One turned to the other and said, "You know why I'm going to win this election? Because of my 'personal touch.' For example, I always tip waitresses really well and then ask them to vote for me."

"Oh, is that so?" replied the other. "Well, I always tip them a nickel and ask them to vote for you."