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Tuesday, June 3, 2008

15 points for dogs

Instructions for dogs

1) When you have been caught " in the act " of teaching your people
not to leave you alone for any period of time, (even if it is to pick
up dog food), you must use this common technique to diffuse anger.
Once you hear their footsteps or the key in the lock, quickly move
away from the chewed up shoe, rug, or houseplant. You then tilt your
head and give a look of confusion. It will be for certain that you
will NOT be punished.

2) Once a " mess " as humans call it, has been created, do anything
and everything to make it appear to be the felines fault. For
example, put the felines toy in the middle of your destruction. This
act is called " framing " and tends to work only sometimes, but is
always worth a shot.

3) This one is exceptionally important. When you want to go for a
walk, you must continually jump up and down, cry, whimper, bark, beg,
scratch at the door and fetch your leash. You must make your person
understand, for they will not know what you want unless you
exaggerate each one of these actions.

4) When you are given a bone, do not share it with ANYONE, not even
the person who gave it to you. You must guard it with your life, even
if you have no intention of eating it. Everyone wants your bone.
After all, it is the best bone in the world.

5) If your person is reading the newspaper or if the children are
working on their homework, tear it up. It is your duty as a dog to
demonstrate to people how to get their priorities straight. Why waste
time reading or working on homework when you can be enjoying a car
ride or a walk in the park?

6) When a person says the " W " word, give him/her a glimpse of how
intelligent you are. Reveal the urgency to go for a W-A-L-K. If only
our people knew we could spell!

7) About collection . . . collect as many balls, bones, sticks and
toys as you can. If you have the largest collection on the block, it
makes you Top Dog.

8) New studies reveal that humans are attracted to the smell of dog
breath. Knowing this, take every opportunity to breathe in your
persons face. This displays love and affection.

9) When your person has a guest over, you must always sit in between
the two people. If you have two people, do not let them sleep next to
each other or spend quality time alone . . . there isn't any need for
that when they could be playing ball or fetch!

10) Show signs of frustration when people make irrational demands.
People tend to care about petty things, like busy streets, getting
dirty, etc. People cannot comprehend the urgency to get to the park
and sniff every blade of grass. They just simply don't know how to
have fun. They'd rather worry! So, when your person is holding you
back from getting to the park to roll in the dirt, BARK! Let your
person know you are displeased with this nonsense.

11) When your person instructs you to do silly tricks, honor the
human. Let it be known that you very well know how to sit, give paw
and fetch. It's a good thing they don't know what else we know!

12) When personal hygiene is in question, take immediate action!
Locate guests and assume position. People will get the hint and
they'll love the fact that you're so thorough.

13) When peeing on someone's property or belongings, make sure to
make eye contact with the owner. They like this, it shows respect.

14) It doesn't matter what size you are, barking instills fear in
people. Even if you're a toy poodle in a fenced in yard and the
person is fifty feet away, bark. They will surely run away with

15) Last, but not least, don't forget your most important job of all.
When your person is feeling depressed or down, offer comfort, love
and affection. Your person relies on you to lick his/her face, which
makes all human problems instantly vanish!

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