Funny: Understanding relationships:

ATTRACTION- The act of associating horniness with a particular person.

LOVE AT 1st SIGHT- What occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet.

DATING- The process of spending enormous amounts of money, time, and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don't especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future.

EASY- A term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man.

EYE CONTACT- A method utilized by a single woman to communicate to a man that she is interested in him. Despite being advised to do so, many women have difficulty looking a man directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to the shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman's eyes are not located in her chest.

FRIEND- A member of the opposite sex in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing.

INDIFFERENCE- A woman's feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man as "playing hard to get."

INTERESTING- A word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking.

IRRITATING HABIT- What the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together.

LAW OF RELATIVITY- How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportional to how unattractive your date is.

NYMPHOMANIAC- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does.

FRIGID- A man's term for a woman who wants to have sex less often than he does, or one who requires more foreplay than lifting her nightgown.

SOBER- Condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love.

NAG- A man's term for a woman who wants more to her life with him than just sex.

Funny: The New Zen

1. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tyre.

2. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's milk, that's the time to do it.

3. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

5. No one is listening until you fart.

6. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

8. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

9. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticise them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

10. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

11. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

12. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

13. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

14. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windscreen.

15. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

16. Good judgement comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgement.

17. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

18. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

19. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

20. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

21. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

22. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

23. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

24. We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our arse…then things get worse .

Humor: Some funny quotes

My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.

Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

God must love stupid people; He made so many.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

Procrastinate Now!

I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

I smile because I don't know what the hell is going on.

Humor: College Seniors Vs. Freshmen

FRESHMEN are never in bed past noon.

SENIORS are never out of bed before noon.

FRESHMEN read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.

SENIORS read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.

FRESHMEN bring a can of soda into a lecture hall.

SENIORS bring a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into recitation class.

FRESHMEN call the professor "Professor."

SENIORS call the professor "Bob."

FRESHMEN would walk ten miles to get to class.

SENIORS drive to class if it's further than three blocks away.

FRESHMEN memorize the course material to get a good grade.

SENIORS memorize the professor's habits to get a good grade.

FRESHMEN know a book-full of useless trivia about the university.

SENIORS know where the next class is. Maybe...

FRESHMEN show up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.

SENIORS show up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and box of pop tarts in hand.

FRESHMEN have to ask where the computer labs are.

SENIORS have their 'own' personal workstation.

FRESHMEN worry about the last freshman composition essay.

SENIORS worry about the last GRE essay.

FRESHMEN line up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.

SENIORS start to think about buying textbooks in October. Maybe...

FRESHMEN look forward to first classes of the year.

SENIORS look forward to first beer party of the year.

FRESHMEN are proud of their A+ on Calculus I midterm.

SENIORS are proud of not-quite-failing their Complex Analysis midterm.

FRESHMEN call their girlfriends back home every other night.

SENIORS call Domino's every other night.

FRESHMEN take meticulous four-color notes in class.

SENIORS occasionally stay awake for all of class. 

Humor: Have you ever wondered

- Can you cry under water?

- How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

- If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

- Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

- Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?

- Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?

- Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

- What did cured ham actually have?

- How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?

- Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?

- If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

- If you drink Pepsi at work in the Coke factory, will they fire you?

- Why are you IN a movie, but you are ON television?

- Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?

Humor: Playing with wurds

A backward poet writes inverse.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead giveaway.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - 'taint yours and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Once you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

Here are some nice one liners..:

1. I say no to alcohol, it just doesn't listen.

2. A friend in need is a pest indeed.

3. Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

4. Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

5. When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

6. The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train..

7. Born free, taxed to death.

8. Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

9. Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

10. Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

11. If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

12. It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

13. I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

14. A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

15. The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

16. The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

17. In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

18. If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

19. Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

20. If you can't convince them, confuse them.

21. It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

22. I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

23. Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

24. The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

25. Someday is not a day of the week

26. Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.

27. To Err is human, to forgive is not a Company policy.

28. The road to success.... Is always under construction.

29. Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk.

Humor: Some very true quotes

*Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.*
------------------------------

To Err is human, to forgive is not a COMPANY policy. *

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The road to success??.. Is always under construction. *

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Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but if you think again, neither does Milk. *

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In order to get a Loan, you first need to prove that you don't need it. *

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All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or fattening or married to someone else.*

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Since Light travels faster than Sound, people appear brighter before you hear them speak. *

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Everyone has a scheme of getting rich?.. Which never works. *

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If at first you don't succeed?. Destroy all evidence that you ever tried. *

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You can never determine which side of the bread to butter. If it falls down, it will always land on the buttered side. *

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Anything dropped on the floor will roll over to the most inaccessible corner. *

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As soon as you mention something?? if it is good, it is taken?. If it is bad, it happens. *

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He who has the gold, makes the rules ---- Murphy's golden rule. *

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If you come early, the bus is late. If you come late?? the bus is still late. *

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Once you have bought something, you will find the same item being sold somewhere else at a cheaper rate. *

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When in a queue, the other line always moves faster and the person in front of you will always have the most complex of transactions. *

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If you have paper, you don't have a pen??. If you have a pen, you don't have paper?? if you have both, no one calls. *

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Especially for engg. Students---- If you have bunked the class, the professor has taken attendance. *

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You will pick up maximum wrong numbers when on roaming. *

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The door bell or your mobile will always ring when you are in the bathroom.
*

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After a long wait for bus no.20, two 20 number buses will always pull in together and the bus which you get in will be more crowded than the other. *

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If your exam is tomorrow, there will be a power cut tonight. *

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Irrespective of the direction of the wind, the smoke from the cigarette will always tend to go to the non-smoker *

Funny: Why men feel sorry

If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you are a male chauvinist.

If you stay at home and do the housework, you are a pansy.

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.

If you don't work enough, you are a good for nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation.

If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your rear and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism.

If she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment.

If you keep quiet, it's male indifference.

If you cry, you are a wimp.

If you don't, you are insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you are a chauvinist.

If she makes a decision without you, she's a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination.

If she asks you, it's a favor.

If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you are a pervert.

If you don't, you are gay.

If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you are a sexist.

If you don't, you are unromantic.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you are vain.

If you don't, you are a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you are after something.

If you don't, you are not thoughtful.

If you are proud of your achievements, you are full of yourself.

If you don't, you are not ambitious.

If she has a headache, she is tired.

If you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.

If you want it too often, you are oversexed.

If you don't, there must be someone else.

Funny: Some jokes and funny quotes

A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No vehicle was to enter unless it had the proper sticker on the windshield.

Now, a huge Army car came up with a General seated in the back. The sentry yelled, "Halt, who goes there?"

The chauffeur says, "General Wheeler."

"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."

The General said, "Drive on!"

The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving on without your sticker."

The General repeated, "I'm telling you, Corporal, drive on!"

The sentry walked up to the rear window with the gun at the ready and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the driver?"

------------------------

A friend in need is a pest indeed.

Marriage is one of the chief causes of divorce.

Work is fine if it doesn't take too much of your time.

When everything comes in your way you're in the wrong lane.

The light at the end of the tunnel may be an incoming train.

Born free, taxed to death.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Smile, it makes people wonder what you are thinking.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they are everywhere.

I love being a writer... what I can't stand is the paperwork.

A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

The guy who invented the first wheel was an idiot. The guy who invented the other three, he was the genius.

The trouble with being punctual is that no one is there to appreciate it.

In a country of free speech, why are there phone bills?

If you cannot change your mind, are you sure you have one?

Beat the 5 O'clock rush, leave work at noon!

If you can't convince them, confuse them.

It's not the fall that kills you. It's the sudden stop at the end.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Hot glass looks same as cold glass. - Cunino's Law of Burnt Fingers

The cigarette does the smoking you are just the sucker.

Humor: Funny quotes

Nobody is perfect until you fall in love with them.

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

Home is where you can say anything you like, 'cause nobody listens to you anyway.

I live in my own little world, but it's ok, they know me here.

"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it. I said, 'Thyroid problem?'"

It is when you stop believing in Santa Claus that you start getting clothes for Christmas!

I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast."

Sign In Pet Store: "Buy one dog, regular price, get one flea..."

Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.

Dyslexia means never having to say that you're yrros.

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?

I see your IQ test results were negative.

Regular naps prevent old age.....especially if you take them while driving.

When I was born, I was so surprised I couldn't talk for a year and a half.

If G~d had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!

I don't approve of political jokes...I've seen too many of them get elected.

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The most precious thing we have is life. Yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.

I have learned there is little difference in husbands, you might as well keep the first.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

Travel is very educational. I can now say "Kaopectate" in seven different languages.

I was on a date recently, and the guy took me horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of quarters.

Women should not have children after 35.

Really...35 children are enough.

Shopping tip: You can get shoes for 85 cents at bowling alleys.

After all is said and done, usually more is said than done.

I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore I am perfect.

I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me lately!

Everyday I beat my own previous record for number of consecutive days I've stayed alive.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was asalted.

"No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning."

I gave my son a hint. On his room door I put a sign: CHECKOUT TIME IS 18."

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes, and lottery tickets are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?

How long a minute is depends on what side of the bathroom door you're on.

On my first day of school my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes.

Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?

Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?

I earn a seven-figure salary. Unfortunately, there's a decimal point involved.

The next time you feel like complaining, remember: Your garbage disposal probably eats better than thirty percent of the people in this world.

Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.

Funny: Quotes about marriage

There was a man who said, "I never knew what happiness was until I got married...and then it was too late!"

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

They say when a man holds a woman's hand before marriage, it is love; after marriage, it is self-defense.

When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But when a ten-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.

There was this lover who said that he would go through hell for her. They got married, and now he is going through hell.

A Code of Honor: Never approach a friend's girlfriend or wife with mischief as your goal.

There are just too many women in the world to justify that sort of dishonorable behavior. Unless she's really attractive. -- Bruce Friedman

A coward is a hero with a wife, kids, and a mortgage. -- Marvin Kitman

A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.

A husband is living proof that a wife can take a joke.

A husband is what's left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted. -- Helen Rowland

Many a wife thinks her husband is the world's greatest lover. But she can never catch him at it.

Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give. -- Cass Daley

Marriage is a mutual relationship if both parties know when to be mute.

Marriage is a rest period between romances.

Marriage is a three ring circus: engagement ring, wedding ring, and suffering.

Marriage is a trip between Niagara Falls and Reno.

Marriage is an institution--but who wants to live in an institution?

Marriage is bliss. Ignorance is bliss. Ergo...

Marriage is like a hot bath. Once you get used to it it's not so hot.

Funny: The mind of Steven Wright...

(If you're not familiar with the work of Steven Wright, he's the guy who once said: "I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen ...and replaced by exact duplicates." His mind sees things differently than we do - to our amazement and amusement. Here are some more of his gems.)

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.

When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.

I intend to live forever - so far, so good.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."

Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

Funny: Quick quotes

Q: How do crazy people go through the forest?
A: They take the psycho path

Q: What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
A: Quatro sinko.

Q: What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
A: Frostbite.

Q: What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A: A nervous wreck.

Q: Why are there so many Smiths in the phone book?
A: They all have phones.

Q: Why do bagpipers walk when they play?
A: They're trying to get away from the noise.

Q: What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?
A: Sanka.

Humor: Some cynical quotes

-- Always borrow money from a pessimist; they don't expect to be paid back

-- Copy from one, it's plagiarism; copy from two, it's research

-- A day without sunshine is like night.

-- Don't give other people a piece of your mind unless you can afford it.

-- Foresight is knowing when to shut your mouth before someone suggests it.

-- If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.

-- If you hear an onion ring, answer it.

-- Is the glass half empty, half full, or twice as large as it needs to be?

-- Madness takes its toll. Please have exact change

-- A metaphor is like a simile.

-- Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.

-- Roses are red, Violets are blue, Some poems rhyme.

-- Teenagers are people who express a burning desire to be different by dressing exactly alike.

-- Good friends will help you move. REALLY good friends will help you move bodies."

-- It's hard to make predictions, especially about the future."

-- Life is hard. Its even harder if youre stupid."

-- "If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you."

-- "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."

-- "Lies circle the earth while Truth is still trying to put on its shoes."

-- I wanna be different just like everyone else

Humor: Some basic questions

When an agnostic dies, does he go to the "great perhaps"?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Do you think Houdini ever locked his keys in his car?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

If procrastinators had a club would they ever have a meeting?

Have you ever wondered why just one letter makes all the difference between here and there?

When you go into a hotel you always see reception. Why do you never just see ception?

If time heals all wounds, how come the belly button stays the same?

If a lawyer and an Inland Revenue inspector were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go to lunch or read the paper?

Isn't it strange that the same people who laugh at gypsy fortune tellers take economists seriously?

If genetic scientists crossed a chicken with a zebra would they get a four-legged chicken with its own barcode?

If practice makes perfect, and nobody's perfect, why practice?

Why is there always one in every crowd?

If all the world is a stage, where does the audience sit?

Is it possible to have deja vu and amnesia at the same time?

Why do hair shampoo instructions say "Lather. Rinse. Repeat"? If you did this, would you ever be able to stop?

Who decided "Hotpoint" would be a good name for a company that sells refrigerators?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

When you discover a missing buttonhole...where did it go ?

Humor: Some quotes from the military

Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." - General MacArthur

"You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me." - U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.

"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death ... I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing." - At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan

"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3." - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."

"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky." - From an old carrier sailor

"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."

"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."

"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."

"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, the pilot dies."

"Never trade luck for skill."

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" and "Oh S...!"

"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."

"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."

"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."

"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."

"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."

"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"

"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."

"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."

"When a flight is proceeding incredibly well, something was forgotten."

"Just remember, if you crash because of weather, your funeral will be held on a sunny day."

Advice given to RAF pilots during WWII: "When a prang (crash) seems inevitable, endeavor to strike the softest, cheapest object in the vicinity as slow and gently as possible."

"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you." - Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum." - Jon McBride, astronaut

"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible." - Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)

"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."

"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime." - Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."

Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it. The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."

"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?" The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"

Humour: IT'S TIME TO DIET AND EXERCISE WHEN...

...you try to do a few pushups and discover that certain body parts refuse to leave the floor.

...your children look through your wedding album and want to know who Daddy's first wife was.

...you get winded just saying the words "six-kilometer run."

...you come to the conclusion that, if God really wanted you to touch your toes each morning, He would have put them somewhere around your knees.

...you analyze your body honestly and decide what you should develop first is your sense of humor.

...you step on a talking scale and it says, "Come back when you're alone."

...to you, "Itsy-Bitsy Teenie-Weenie Yellow Polka dot Bikini" and "The Impossible Dream" become the same song.

...you accept the fact that you can fool some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but not while you're wearing a bathing suit.

The Difference between Complete & Finished.

The Difference between Complete & Finished.

People say there is no difference between the English words "COMPLETE" & "FINISH".

...But there is.

When you marry the right one, you are COMPLETE....

And when you marry the wrong one, you are FINISHED.....


And when the right one catches you with the wrong one,
you are ... COMPLETELY FINISHED!!

Humour: Some stuff about Christmas

You Know You've Had Too Much Christmas Cheer When...

1. You notice your tie sticking out of your fly.

2. Someone uses your tongue for a coaster.

3. You start kissing the portraits on the wall.

4. You see your underwear hanging from the chandelier.

5. You have to hold on to the floor to keep from sliding off.

6. You strike a match and light your nose.

7. You take off your shoes and wade in the potato salad.

8. You hear someone say, "Call a priest!"

9. You hear a duck quacking and it's you.

10. You complain about the small bathroom after emerging from the closet.

11. You refill your glass from the fish bowl.

12. You tell everyone you have to go home... and the party's at your place.

13. You ask for another ice cube and put it in your pocket.

14. You yawn at the biggest bore in the room... and realize you're in front of the hall mirror.

15. You pick up a roll, and butter your watch.

16. You suggest everyone stand and sing the national budget.

17. You're at the dinner table and you ask the hostess to pass a bedpan.

18. You take out your handkerchief and blow your ear.

19. You tell your best joke to the rubber plant.

20. You realize you're the only one under the coffee table