Jokes

1. His new girlfriend demanded that she wanted to live in the couple's multi-million dollar home. He gave his now ex-wife just 3 days to move out.

She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates, and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.

When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.

When the husband returned with the new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning & mopping, and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere.

Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days. And in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.

Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.

A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of not selling the house. She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.

Knowing that his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10 of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.

A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home....... including the curtain rods.



2. A boy had reached four without giving up the habit of suckling his thumb, though his mother had tried everything from bribery, to reasoning, to painting it with lemon juice to discourage the habit. Finally she tried threats, warning her son that, "If you don't stop sucking your thumb, your stomach is going to blow up like a balloon."

Later that day, walking in the park, mother and son saw a pregnant woman sitting on a bench. The four-year-old considered her gravely for a minute, then spoke to her saying, "Uh-oh... I know what you've been doing."



3. Men vs. Women

Names:

If Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara go out for lunch, they will call each other Laurie, Linda, Elizabeth and Barbara.

If Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Scrappy.


Paying The Bill:

When the bill arrives, Mark, Chris, Eric and Tom will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out comes the pocket calculators.


Money:

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale.


Bathrooms:

A man has five items in his bathroom: a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Marriott.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.


Arguments:

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.


Cats:

Women love cats.

Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.


The Future:

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.


Success:

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.


Marriage:

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.


Dressing Up:

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.


Natural:

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women somehow deteriorate during the night.


Offspring:

A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments, romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.