Jokes

1. A mother of twelve was asked, "What is the worst thing you could get on your twenty-fifth wedding anniversary?"

"Morning sickness," she replied.


2. A couple with three children waited in line at San Francisco's Pier 41 to purchase tickets for a boat trip to Alcatraz.

Others watched with varying degrees of sympathy and irritation as the young children fidgeted, whined, and punched one another.

The frazzled parents reprimanded them to no avail.

Finally they reached the ticket window. "Five tickets, please," the father said. "Two round trip, three one way."


3. The judge read the charges, then asked, "Are you the defendant in this case?"

"No sir, your honor, sir," replied Bob, "I've got a lawyer to do the defendin'.

I'm the guy who done it."



4. Three sons of a Jewish Mother left their homeland, went abroad and prospered.

They discussed the gifts they were able to give their old mother.

AVRAHAM, the first, said: "I built a big house for our mother."

MOISHE, the second, said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

DAVID, the youngest, said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the good book. Now she can't see very well. I sent her a remarkable rare priceless parrot that recites the whole book in yiddish -- Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and
he does it perfectly."

Soon thereafter, a letter of thanks came from their mother.

"AVRAHAM", she said, the house you built is so huge. I can live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house".

"MOISHE", she said, "I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes. And that driver is always complaining -- he's a pain in the tuchas".

"But DAVID", she said, "THE CHICKEN WAS DELICIOUS!"




5. A fellow in a bar notices a woman, always alone, come in on a fairly regular basis.

After the second week, he made his move.

"No thank you." she said politely. "This may sound rather odd in this day and age, but I'm keeping myself pure until I meet the man I love."

"That must be rather difficult." the man replied.

"Oh, I don't mind too much." she said. "But, it has my husband pretty upset."