Jokes

1. An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.

Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back, a big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him.

Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.

"Arrgh! What happened?" the Leprechaun asked.

"I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball," the golfer says.

"Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?"

"Thank God, you're all right!" the golfer answers in relief. "I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize." And the golfer walks off.

"What a nice guy," the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want...a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life."

A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him."T'was me that made ye hit the ball here," the little guy says. "I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?"

"My game is fantastic!" the golfer answers. I'm a famous golfer now." He adds, "By the way, it's good to see you're doing all right."

"Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?"

"Why, it's just wonderful!" the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!"

"I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?"

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, "It's OK."

"C'mon, c'mon now," urged the Leprechaun, "I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?"

Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, "Once, sometimes twice a week."

"What??" responds the Leprechaun in shock. "That's all? Only once or twice a week?"

"Well," says the golfer, "I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish


2. A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy: "So I hear you're getting Married?"

"Yep!"

"Do I know her?"

"Nope!"

"This woman, is she good looking?"

"Not really."

"Is she a good cook?"

"Naw, she can't cook too well."

"Does she have lots of money?"

"Nope! Poor as a church mouse."

"Well then, is she good in bed?"

"I don't know."

"Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"

"Because she can still drive at night!"



3.
A factory owner said to a store owner, "Thank you, Mr. Smith, for your patronage. I wish I had twenty customers like you."

"Gosh, it's nice to hear that, but I'm kind of surprised," admitted Smith. "You know that I argue every bill and always pay late."

The factory owner said, "I'd still like twenty customers like you. The problem is, I have two hundred.


4. Buying Gifts For Geeks

Rule #1:
When in doubt - buy him a Star Wars book. It does not matter if he
already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 copies of "The Wookie
Cookies Cookbook" and he has yet to complain. As a geek, you can
never have too many Star Wars books.

Rule #2:
If you cannot afford a Star Wars book, buy him anything with an
acronym in it. Geeks love saying those acronyms. "Hey, George! Can I
borrow your PS2 to USB adapter?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through
with my PC2100 DDR RAM tester yet?"

Rule #3:
If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his game
system. A crappy third-party DDR pad, a whacky looking joystick, or
any game from the bargain bin. Geeks love gifts for their game systems.

Rule #4:
Do not buy geeks cologne. Do not buy geeks ties. And never buy geeks
designer shoes. If God had wanted geeks to wear decent clothes, he
wouldn't have invented sweatpants.

Rule #5:
You can buy geeks new remote controls to for their computer. If you
have a lot of money, buy your geek a big-screen TV that can hook up
to the computer with an ergonomic chair. Watch him go wild as he
flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6:
Do not buy a geek any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, you will
have to listen to the many different concoctions they did at the
Microsoft Party.

Rule #7:
Buy any geek industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant.
I'm told they will appreciate the efficiency and savings.

Rule #8:
Do not buy geeks label makers. Within a couple of weeks, there will
be sighs because they will be lamenting for the newest model with
Ethernet and modem ports so that he can create labels remotely.

Rule #9:
Never buy a geek anything that says "for outside use" on the box. It
will ruin his Special Day and he will always stick it in the closet.

Rule #10:
Good places to shop for geeks include Electronics Boutique, Suncoast
Video, Circuit City, Fry's Electronics, Barnes and Noble, and
pricewatch.com. (Online stores for "Lord of the Rings" merchandise
are also excellent geek stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know
what it is. "From "Lord of the Rings", eh? Must be something I
wanted. Hey! Isn't this genuine orc hair? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11:
Geeks enjoy stupidity. That's why they never make mistakes of their
own (*cough*) - but they will enjoy others' stupidity. Get him the
complete Monty Python Collection. Or point him to complaint pages by
AOLers. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants to be p\/\/33n3d?"

Rule #12:
Tickets to a cheesy kung fu movie are a smart gift. However, he will
not appreciate tickets to the WWF.

Rule #13:
Geeks love personal electronics. But never, ever, buy a geek you love
a laptop. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what
happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14:
It's hard to beat a really processor upgrade or an ergonomic
keyboard. Never buy a real geek a regular keyboard. It must be an
ergonomic keyboard.

Rule #15:
Photoshop. Geeks love Photoshop. It takes us back to the days when
pasting your face on the body of a model was funny or at least
desperate. Nothing says love like Adobe Photoshop 6.0.