Jokes

1. A man took his pregnant wife to the hospital to give birth. The doctor told
them that he'd developed a new machine and asked if they'd like to try it.

The machine would take some of the woman's pain away and give it to the
father thereby easing the mothers burden.

The couple thought it was a good idea and agreed to give it a try. The Doc
set it on 10% to begin with, telling the man that 10% was still probably
more pain than he had ever felt.

The man was surprised at how little pain he was feeling and asked for it to
be increased. The doctor turned it up to 20% with the same results. This
trend continued until the machine was set at 100%.

After the delivery both mother and father felt fine. The wife was relieved
at having an almost painless labor and the father was still amazed at how
little pain was actually involved. Later, when they took the baby home, they
found the mailman dead on their doorstep.



2. A man is sitting at home one evening when the doorbell rings. When he answers the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach is standing there.
The cockroach immediately punches him between the eyes and scampers off.
The next evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings.
When he answers the door, the cockroach is there again. This time, it punches him, kicks him and karate chops him before running away...
The third evening, the man is sitting at home when the doorbell rings.
When he answers the door, the cockroach is there yet again. It leaps at him and stabs him several times before making off.
The gravely injured man manages to crawl to the telephone and summon an ambulance.
He is rushed to intensive care and they save his life. The next morning, the doctor is doing his rounds. He asks our hero what happened.
The man explains about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing. The doctor thinks for a moment and says, "Yes, there is a nasty bug
going around."



3. After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days. Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me." He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged. "No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."



4. After Mr. and Mrs. Fenton retired, Mrs. Fenton insisted her husband accompany her on her trips to Wal-Mart. Unfortunately, Mr. Fenton was like most men--he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunately, Mrs. Fenton was like most women--she loved to browse.
One day Mrs. Fenton received the following letter from her local Wal-Mart:
Dear Mrs. Fenton,
Over the past six months, your husband has been causing quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and may be forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against Mr. Fenton are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
June 15: Took 24 boxes of Polident and randomly put them in people's carts when they weren't looking.
July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, "Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away."
August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&M's on layaway.
September 14: Moved a "CAUTION - WET FLOOR" sign to a carpeted area.
September 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told other shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department.
September 23: When a clerk asked if she could help him, he began crying and screamed, "Why can't you people just leave me alone?"
October 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
November 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the "Mission Impossible" theme.
December 6: In the auto department, he practiced his "Madonna look" by using different sizes of funnels.
December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled "PICK ME! PICK ME!"
And last, but not least:
December 21: when an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed, "oh no! it's those voices again!"