Jokes

1. The hit-and-run victim was just getting to his
feet when a policeman ran up to help.

"My mother-in-law just tried to run me over!" the shaken man told the cop.

"The car hit you from behind," the officer said.
"How could you tell it was your mother-in-law?"

"I recognized her laugh!"


2. The Iams Pet Professionals, a team of 30 trained
customer service representatives at The Iams
Company, handle more than 300,000 inquiries a
year from pet owners across the country.

Although the majority of calls to the toll-free
number are straightforward pet care and nutrition
questions, some can be quite unconventional.

Here are some of the team's favorite calls this year:

"My cat just came in from the garage and I was wondering... how many
calories are in a mouse?" cat owner, Omak, WA

"I have a neutered male cat. How old should he be before I can breed
him?" - cat owner, Colorado Springs, CO

"Does your dog food help with emancipation?" - dog owner, Lockport, NY

"What should I feed a borderline collie?" - puppy owner, Van Fleck, TX

"What size litter box do I need to keep my cat comfy?" - cat owner,
Chicago, IL

"Is it normal for a dog to shed?" - dog owner, Miami, FL

"How can I keep my cat from stealing my husband's toothbrush?" - cat
owner, Los Angeles, CA

"My cat passed a stool on the indoor rug and it's stuck in the vacuum
cleaner. Any suggestions? " - cat owner, Amarillo, TX

"How can I get the secret recipe for your Iams® Chunks dog food?" -
Anchorage, AK

"How do I stop my cat from giving food to the dog?" - pet owner,
Ephrata, WA

"Your food turned my dog into a stud. Now what do I do?" dog owner,
Flushing, NY

"Do you know how to toilet train a cat?" - cat owner, Ontario, Canada

"I have three cats. Is it true that Eukanuba® Cat Food makes the poop
smell better?" - cat owner, Wentzville, MO

"Will chewing pop cans remove enamel from my puppy's teeth?" - puppy
owner, Chico, CA

"Where can I get a six-toed cat?" - cat owner, El Paso, TX

"I really like your paw print logo. Does Iams have a tattoo?" pet
owner, North Tonawanda, NY

The Iams Company Manager of Customer Service says, "Although these
questions make us smile, they're legitimate calls from concerned pet
owners."



3. Mrs. Murphy is looking for the grave of her late husband (a notorious criminal) as it has been a while since she was there.

She goes to the cemetery's management office and says, "I am looking for my husband's grave."

"Ok madam", says the director. "What was his name?"

"John Murphy," she answers.

He looks through his large book for quite a time and says "sorry there are no John Murphy's in our cemetery, nothing but one Mary Murphy."

The woman brightens up and says, "Of course that's it; everything was in my name."



4. KIDS IN SCHOOL THINK FAST

TEACHER: Why are you late?
WEBSTER: Because of the sign.
TEACHER: What sign
WEBSTER: The one that says, "School Ahead, Go Slow."

TEACHER: Cindy, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?
CINDY: You told me to do it without using tables!

TEACHER: John, how do you spell "crocodile?"
JOHN: K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
JOHN: Maybe it's wrong, but you asked me how I spell it!

TEACHER: What is the chemical formula for water?
SARAH: H I J K L M N O!!
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
SARAH: Yesterday you said it's H to O!

TEACHER: George, go to the map and find North America.
GEORGE: Here it is!
TEACHER: Correct. Now class, who discovered America?
CLASS: George!

TEACHER: Willie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WILLIE: Me!