History lessons you did not learn

HISTORY LESSONS YOU DIDN'T RECEIVE IN AMERICAN HIGH SCHOOL

Part I (the B.C. years)

3050 B.C. - A Sumerian invents the wheel. Within the week, the idea
is stolen and duplicated by other Sumerians, thereby establishing the
business code of ethics.

2900 B.C. - Egyptians create Sphinx, one of Seven Great Wonders of
the Ancient, but refuse to talk about it.

1850 B.C. - Britons announce Operation Stonehenge a success after
arranging slabs in sufficiently meaningless pattern to confuse
scientists for centuries.

1785 B.C. - The first calendar is introduced by Babylonian scientists.

1768 B.C. - Babylonians experience winter in June.

776 B.C. - The world's first known money appears in Persia. World's
first known counterfeiter appears in Persia next day.

525 B.C. - The first Olympics are held in Greece. USSR enters six
footer with a mustache in women's shot put.

410 B.C. - Rome ends the practice of enslaving debtors, removing
biggest single obstacle to the development of the credit card.

404 B.C. - The Peloponnesian war enters 27th year because neither
side can find a treaty writer who can spell Peloponnesian.

214 B.C. - Tens of thousands of Chinese people complete 1,500 mile
long Great Wall. Neighbour's dog gets through.

1 B.C. - Calendar manufacturers argue over what to call next year.

Part II ( Early A.D.)

79 A.D. - Property in Pompeii turns out to be bad investment.

432 A.D - St. Patrick introduces Christianity to Ireland, thereby
giving the natives topic to fight about for the rest of recorded history.

1000 A.D. - Leif Ericsson discovers America; decides it's not worth mentioning.

1043 A.D. - Lady Godiva demonstrates against high taxes, causing all
to forget what she is demonstrating against.

1125 A.D. - Arabic numerals are introduced to Europe, enabling
peasants to solve how much tax each owes on MMMDCCCLX Lira when
you're in the XXXVI percent bracket?

1233 A.D. - Inquisition begins. Practice is so un-Christian it is
permitted to continue for only 600 years.

1297 A.D. - World's first stock exchange opens. Few have foresight to buy IBM.

1433 A.D. - Portugal launches African slave trade, proving what a
small nation can do with a little ingenuity and much evil.

1456 A.D. - English judge reviews Joan of Arc's case and cancels her
death sentence of 1431.

1492 A.D. - Columbus lands in Bahamas, names it San Salvador, and
calls natives Indians.

1497 A.D. - Amerigo Vespucci becomes the first to think of naming the
new world in honor of himself...the United States of Vespuccia!

1508 A.D. - Michelangelo accedes to Pope's demands to paint ceiling
of Sistine Chapel, but refuses to wash the windows.

1513 A.D. - Ponce de Leon finds the Fountain of Youth, but dies of
old age trying to remember where.

1522 A.D. - Scientists, who know the world is flat, conclude that
Magellan made it all the way around by crawling across the bottom.

1568 A.D. - Upset by the slander of his good name, Russian leader
kills 100,000 peasants to make them stop calling him Ivan the Terrible.

1607 A.D. - Indians laugh themselves silly as first European tourist
to visit Virginia tries to register as "John Smith".

1618 A.D. - Britain executes Sir Walter Raleigh, but allow his
tobacco plants to live.

1642 A.D. - The first nine students to receive Bachelor of Arts
degrees in America, discover there are no jobs available for a kid
with a liberal arts education.

1670 A.D. - Pilgrims, busy burning witches, fail to observe golden
anniversary of winning religious freedom.

1755 A.D. - Samuel Johnson issues the first English Dictionary, at
last providing young children with a source of dirty words.

1758 A.D. - New Jersey is chosen as the site of America's first
Indian reservation, giving Indians an idea of living conditions they
can expect.

1763 A.D. - The French and Indian War ends. Both sides lose.

1770 A.D. - The shooting of three people in the Boston Massacre
touches off the Revolution. 200 Years later, three shootings in
Boston are average for a Saturday Night.

1773 A.D. - Colonists dump tea into Boston Harbor. British call the
act "barbaric", noting that no one added cream.

1776 A.D. - Napoleon maintains neutrality during American Revolution,
primarily because he is seven years old.

1779 A.D. - John Paul Jones notifies British, "I have just begun to
fight!" and notices his ship is sinking.

1793 A.D. - "Let them eat cake!" becomes the most famous thing Marie
Antionette ever said. Also, the least diplomatic thing she ever said.
Also, the last.

1799 A.D. - Translation of Rosetta Stone enables scholars to learn
that Egyptian hieroglyphics say fundamental stuff: "Dear Ramses, How
are you? I am fine."

1805 A.D. - Robert Fulton invents the torpedo.

1807 A.D. - Robert Fulton invents the steamship to provide target for torpedos.

1815 A.D. - Post Office policy is established as Andrew Jackson wins
the Battle of New Orleans a month after letter was mailed telling him
the War of 1812 is over.

1840 A.D. - William Henry Harrison is elected president in landslide,
proving very few could disagree with campaign motto, "Tippecanoe and
Tyler too."

1850 A.D. - Henry Clay announces, "I'd rather be right than
president," after running for president five times without winning.

1859 A.D. - Charles Darwin writes "Origin of the Species". Containing
same general plot as "Planet of the Apes", it fails to gross as much money.

1865 A.D. - Union Soldiers face greatest challenge of the war:
sobering Grant for Lee's surrender.

1894 A.D. - Thomas Edison displays first motion picture, applauded by
all but movie critics.

1903 A.D. - Opening of Trans-Siberian Railway enables passengers from
Moscow to reach Vladivostok in eight days, much sooner than most desire.

1910 A.D. - Founding of Boy Scouts of America comes as bad news to
independent old ladies at traffic lights.

1911 A.D. - Rauld Amundsen discovers South Pole and confirms his
suspicions: It looks a lot like the North Pole.

1912 A.D. - People with reservations for the voyage of the Titanic
get their money back.

1920 A.D. - The 18th Amendment to the Constitution makes drinking
illegal in the U.S. Everyone stops, except for 40 million who do not.

1924 A.D. - Hitler is released from prison four years early, after
convincing parole board he is a changed man.

1928 A.D. - Herbert Hoover promises "a chicken in every pot and a car
in every garage," neglecting to add that most Americans will soon be
without both.

1930 A.D. - Pluto is discovered; the planet. The dog wasn't
discovered until 1938.

1933 A.D. - German housewives begin to realize why wallpaper hanger
with mustache never came back to finish the job.

1933 A.D. - Hitler establishes Third Reich, announcing it will last a
thousand years, an error of only 988.

1934 A.D. - John Dillinger, gunned down by police on leaving Chicago
film theater, gasps that he didn't like the movie, either.

1934 A.D. - Great Depression, giving businessmen headaches, reaches
climax with birth of Ralph Nader.

1938 A.D. - Great Britain and Germany sign a peace treaty, averting WW II.

1944 A.D. - Hitler's promise of Volkswagens for all Germans as soon
as they've won the war proves to be insufficient incentive