Jokes

1. In March 1992, a man living in Newton near Boston, Massachusetts
received a bill for his as yet unused credit card stating that he owed $0.00.

He ignored it and threw it away.

In April he received another and threw that one away too.

The following month the credit card company sent him a very nasty
note stating they were going to cancel his card if he didn't send
them $0.00 by return of post.

He called them and talked to them about the problem.

They said it was a computer error and told him they'd take care of it.

The following month our hero decided that it was about time that he
tried out the troublesome credit card figuring that if there were
purchases on his account he could end this ridiculous predicament.

However, in the first store that he produced his credit card in
payment for his purchases he found that his card had been cancelled.

He called the credit card company who apologized for the computer
error once again and said that they would take care of it.

The next day he got a bill for $0.00 stating that payment was now overdue.

Having spoken to the credit card company the previous day, he assumed
the latest bill was yet another mistake he ignored it, trusting that
the company would be as good as their word and sort the problem out.

The next month he got a bill for $0.00 stating that he had 10 days to
pay his account or the company would have to take steps to recover the debt.

Finally giving in, he thought he would play the company at their own
game and mailed them a check for $0.00.

The computer duly processed his account and returned a statement.

It reported that he now owed the credit card company nothing at all.

A week later, the man's bank called him asking him what he was doing
writing a check for $0.00.

After a lengthy explanation the bank replied that the $0.00 check had
caused their check processing software to fail.

The bank could not now process ANY checks from ANY of their customers
that day because the check for $0.00 was causing the computer to crash.

The following month the man received a letter from the credit card
company claiming that his check had bounced and that he now owed them $0.00.

Furthermore, unless he sent a check by return of post they would be
taking steps to recover the debt.

The man, who had been considering buying his wife a computer for
their anniversary, bought her a typewriter instead.


2. Horowitz was feeling ill at work, and left after lunch to go home.

He walked into the house and found his wife Fanny in the arms of another man.

He started to yell at the interloper, "What right have you got to be
making love to my wife?"

The man answered calmly, "You may as well know that I am in love with
Fanny and I would like to marry her. I understand you're a gambler.
Why don't you be a good sport and sit down and play a game of gin
rummy with me? If I lose, I'll never see her again; if you lose, you
must agree to divorce her.... Okay?"

"Okay," replied Horowitz, "but just to make it a little more
interesting, why don't we play for a dollar a point?"


3.
Two women came before wise King Solomon, dragging between them a
young man in a three-piece suit.

"This young CPA agreed to marry my daughter," said one.

"No! He agreed to marry MY daughter," said the other.

And so they haggled before the King, until he called for silence.

"Bring me my biggest sword," said Solomon, " and I shall hew the
young accountant in half. Each of you shall receive a half."

"Sounds good to me," said the first lady.

But the other woman said, "Oh Sire, do not spill innocent blood. Let
the other woman's daughter marry him."

The wise king did not hesitate a moment. "The accountant must marry
the first lady's daughter," he proclaimed.

"But she was willing to hew him in two!" exclaimed the king's court.

"Indeed," said wise King Solomon. "That shows she is the TRUE mother-in-law."



4. A woman and a man are involved in a car accident. It's a bad one. Both of
their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt.

After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, "So you're a man, that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left but fortunately we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle... My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man shakes his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle and then hands it back to the woman.

The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.

The man asks, "Aren't you having any?" The woman replies, "No, I think I'll just wait for the police..."


5. Comic Book Clichés

The Lab Accident: person gets superpowers from a laboratory-related
accident. As opposed to, you know, dying horribly.

Secret Identity Drip: The hero has a secret identity that is the opposite in
personality from the hero: clumsy, slow, low self-esteem, humble, geeky.

Empty Storeroom: A storeroom is always available for changing one's costume.
Said storeroom has, ideally, an inconspicuous window.

Reporter girlfriend: The superhero has a reporter girlfriend. She is often
modern and liberated (updated from the "I wish Machoid Man would marry me,
sigh"), yet somehow she can't take care of herself and needs to be rescued.

See The Body: The law that says that a character is never dead unless you
saw the body, took it home, inspected it, did an autopsy, burned it,
scattered the ashes from a plane, and even then you can be only about 89
percent sure.

Relative Atmosphere Law: When you open a door or window in an airplane, it
is fairly likely that this won't suck you or anything else out. You're often
lucky if it so much as blows loose papers around.

Darkest Hour: The hero has crisis of faith only to be told by close friend
to suck it up because the world needs him so much. If only real-life acute
depression could be solved with a friend telling you, "Snap out of it!"

Simultaneous Recovery Syndrome: If you knock out a whole group of people,
they will all wake up at around the same time, even if each was knocked out
in a different way.

Fickle Public: at some point in everyone's hero career, something inevitably
happens to make the public forget everything good they ever did. The
public usually turns back the other way pretty quickly, however.