Jokes

1. "Can you explain to me how this lipstick got on your collar?" the, suspicious wife sneered.

"No, I can't," the husband replied. "I distinctly remember taking off my shirt."


2. I can't say I've ever gotten a shave from a barber, but I've seen others who have. I was in a shop once, and an obviously new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave.

The new man, in an effort to smooth things over asked solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel?"

"No thanks." said the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm."



3. Three young women are at a cocktail party.

The conversation turns to their position in life, and it's clear that they're trying to one-up each other.

The first one says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks on vacation," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanor.

The second one says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes," and looks about with considerable pride.

Young woman number three says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, we don't have much money and we don't have many material possessions. However, one thing I can tell you about my husband is that fourteen canaries can stand shoulder to shoulder on his erect thing."

After this, the first one looks shamefaced and says, "Girls, I've got a confession to make: I was just trying to impress you. You know that vacation I was telling you about? Well, it's not to the French Riviera, it's to my folks' house in Terre Haute for two weeks." The second one says, "Your honesty has shamed me. It's not a Mercedes; it's a Plymouth."

"Well, I've got a confession to make myself: Canary number fourteen has to stand on one leg."



3. One Sunday morning William burst into the living room and said, "Dad! Mom! I have some great news for you! I am getting married to the most beautiful girl in town. She lives a block away and her name is Susan.

After dinner, William's dad took him aside. "Son, I have to talk with you. Your mother and I have been married 30 years. She's a wonderful wife but she has never offered much excitement in the bedroom, so I used to fool around with women a lot. Susan is actually your half-sister, and I'm afraid you can't marry her."

William was heart-broken. After eight months he eventually started dating girls again. A year later he came home and very proudly announced, "Diane said yes! We're getting married in June."

Again his father insisted on another private conversation and broke the sad news. "Diane is your half-sister too, William. I'm awfully sorry about this."

William was furious! He finally decided to go to his mother with the news. "Dad has done so much harm. I guess I'm never going to get married, " he complained. "Every time I fall in love, Dad tells me the girl is my half-sister."

His mother just shook her head. "Don't pay any attention to what he
says, dear. He's not really your father."



4. Jim and Roger were patients in a Mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped in to the deep end.

He sunk to the bottom and stayed there.

Roger promptly jumped in to save him.

He swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Rogers heroic act he immediately ordered him to be discharged from the hospital, considered him to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Roger the news he said, "Roger, I have good news and bad news.
The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses.

The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead." Roger replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."